Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thoughts
I have been reflective lately, but yesterday something strange happened. I went to the store to pick up somethings for my mom and dad. It was a crowded shopping center. I was deep in thought and I suddenly became so aware of all the people around me and how most of them were hurting, lonely people and then I became aware of how lost many of them are with no knowledge of Jesus and who He was, and is, and I was filled with a deep sense of loss for them, a deep sense of pain and I began to wonder - If I felt so much pain for these people that I don't know, how much more Jesus must have felt. How did He do it? How did he come to earth knowing what He knew facing people on a daily basis and not be so overwhelmed with grief everyday. I was so overwhelmed with grief for these strangers and I was a mere mortal, human if you will, no obligation to them, no call to that, and yet the pain was so palatable that it hurt deeply. Why is that? What happened last night? What is God doing in my life? Where is He moving me to?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Exciting!
Wow! I knew my Grandma had an aunt that was a missionary, I even have one of her artifacts that she had collected, but it became real when my mom and I were looking through old photos and we found a picture of her! I have become excited about this because we have a missionary in our family blood line! In the past 3 years of restoration of my body, soul, and spirit, I have been working through all of the past, and it seems like generational curses are a big part of me. All the bad stuff, skeletons if you will - rattling around in my closet. This is exciting to me, I haven't quite filtered through it yet, but I will keep you posted!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Ahhhh! It's over!
Another Christmas past, for this I am thankful. I know it's seems such a terrible thing to be thankful that Christmas is over, but I am. I love the fact that I, and many of my church family are celebrating the birth of our saviour and and what that means, but the rest of the world are celebrating the deep materialism that this country and the world has fallen into, not the birth of Jesus. I am afraid that much of it is celebrated as rote tradition, and the meaning has truly been lost.
Christmas is a VERY hard time of year for me, mostly because my love language is in gift giving and I have no money or time to be creative to fulfill the giving of gifts to those special people in my life, there is so much I would give to them if I could and not just in the way of the latest and greatest, technology gadget or the the coolest new item that everyone wants, but more, I would give some their college tuition or a much needed car, or a debt paid.
So for those of you who read this here are your gifts that I can afford:
To Wally - to you I would give you the self confidence in your self to know that you CAN do anything you put your mind to. You are talented and you CAN learn anything you need to in order to get those creative ideas out of your head and into existance. You ARE smart, funny, gifted and talented. I would give you the gift of believing in yourself because God knows what He is doing with you and He has given you those gifts, if you believe in Jesus, then believe in what He has given you!
To Troy and Asiah To both of you I give the gift of always remembering through the stress of life and children and long marriage the ability to remember the friendship you have for each other first and formost, never ever forget that. And remember farther down in your marriage that what attracted you to each other to begin with is probably the very thing that will annoying you to no end when you have been married for a while. Satans ploy maybe? Celebrate each other's differences and allow each other to be different from each other, after all who wants to read the same book over and over again! If I could I would give you both the stamina for long and happy marriage, never even give divorce as a option to tough times and above all if things get rocky it is NOT a bad thing to go get counseling to make your marriage stronger! And do this when they are tiny pebbles not big giant bolders. I give you the gift of my prayers for the next 70+ years for a strong healthy marriage.
To Troy
If I could I would give you to you the gift of confidence in your music skills. I would give you the connections to open doors that you could take your songs to the those that could bring them to the world. Please dear Troy, call Pastor Bob about the Song Writers guild at the church if you haven't all ready. You have such a gift and such a talent to give. I often wonder why you aren't pursuing it full time, but you are such a prayer warrior that I am sure God will direct your paths in that direction if that is His will.
I would give to you the gift of someone giving you a hug back the way you give hugs when you most need one in the twists and turns of your life.
To Tamara
I give to you the gift of being here if you need me. The gift of all the hugs you may need and a listening ear. The gift of understanding through the rough times and celebrating in the good times. I give you the gift of my admiration and your pure unadulterated joy that you have for Jesus - and the Holy Spirit! Your unwavering faith and your wisdom I give to you as a reminder to those around you of how precious you are. I give to you the gift of reminding you that you sing like an angel and I am sure the angels sing with you and rejoice when you do open your mouth to bring the love you have for Jesus into the throne room through the music that you provide. May you always have the strength and support network to help you fight through the foggy times.
So there you have it, it hardly seems enough but it is all I have to give.
Christmas is a VERY hard time of year for me, mostly because my love language is in gift giving and I have no money or time to be creative to fulfill the giving of gifts to those special people in my life, there is so much I would give to them if I could and not just in the way of the latest and greatest, technology gadget or the the coolest new item that everyone wants, but more, I would give some their college tuition or a much needed car, or a debt paid.
So for those of you who read this here are your gifts that I can afford:
To Wally - to you I would give you the self confidence in your self to know that you CAN do anything you put your mind to. You are talented and you CAN learn anything you need to in order to get those creative ideas out of your head and into existance. You ARE smart, funny, gifted and talented. I would give you the gift of believing in yourself because God knows what He is doing with you and He has given you those gifts, if you believe in Jesus, then believe in what He has given you!
To Troy and Asiah To both of you I give the gift of always remembering through the stress of life and children and long marriage the ability to remember the friendship you have for each other first and formost, never ever forget that. And remember farther down in your marriage that what attracted you to each other to begin with is probably the very thing that will annoying you to no end when you have been married for a while. Satans ploy maybe? Celebrate each other's differences and allow each other to be different from each other, after all who wants to read the same book over and over again! If I could I would give you both the stamina for long and happy marriage, never even give divorce as a option to tough times and above all if things get rocky it is NOT a bad thing to go get counseling to make your marriage stronger! And do this when they are tiny pebbles not big giant bolders. I give you the gift of my prayers for the next 70+ years for a strong healthy marriage.
To Troy
If I could I would give you to you the gift of confidence in your music skills. I would give you the connections to open doors that you could take your songs to the those that could bring them to the world. Please dear Troy, call Pastor Bob about the Song Writers guild at the church if you haven't all ready. You have such a gift and such a talent to give. I often wonder why you aren't pursuing it full time, but you are such a prayer warrior that I am sure God will direct your paths in that direction if that is His will.
I would give to you the gift of someone giving you a hug back the way you give hugs when you most need one in the twists and turns of your life.
To Tamara
I give to you the gift of being here if you need me. The gift of all the hugs you may need and a listening ear. The gift of understanding through the rough times and celebrating in the good times. I give you the gift of my admiration and your pure unadulterated joy that you have for Jesus - and the Holy Spirit! Your unwavering faith and your wisdom I give to you as a reminder to those around you of how precious you are. I give to you the gift of reminding you that you sing like an angel and I am sure the angels sing with you and rejoice when you do open your mouth to bring the love you have for Jesus into the throne room through the music that you provide. May you always have the strength and support network to help you fight through the foggy times.
So there you have it, it hardly seems enough but it is all I have to give.
Friday, December 23, 2005
It's been a while
I guess it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been so busy with classes, the kids, life...
Where do I begin - I guess chronological order would be good.
First we found out my son has a learning disability - dyslexia. This has taken a lot of my time and energy because I want him to be successful in school and go to college. I feel like to let him fail in school I will fail him by not helping him. Somedays this takes a LOT of time and energy to help him with his homework.
Classes were challenging this semester, but I enjoyed it. I had to write several paper one was on the historical and archaelogocial proof for the tower of babel. Quite fascinating!
The next paper was on pro-gay theology. You have to choose a controversial subject and definitely be on one side of it. This topic was very taxing as both sides have very convincing arguments but it was if the bigger picture was coming into focus as I did this paper. It was mentally exhausting, but very fulfilling by the time I finished. I ended up with a B in the class, but since I had tried 3 times before to pass this class I am more than satisfied with a B. I didn't have the english classes when I was in high school and besides it was so LONG ago! haha!
Next on the list is my sister's business. I have jumped in with both feet to help her build her business and make it successful. We are a good match, she if very market saavy and business minded and likes schmuzing with the big dogs. Me on the other hand, I am perfectly content to be in the background, create and be creative, and provide customer service. It is a tad confusing because my sister is the sole proprieter and I am an employee of sorts but yet she refers to me as her partner. I don't quite know how to act or react in this situation.
More later....
Where do I begin - I guess chronological order would be good.
First we found out my son has a learning disability - dyslexia. This has taken a lot of my time and energy because I want him to be successful in school and go to college. I feel like to let him fail in school I will fail him by not helping him. Somedays this takes a LOT of time and energy to help him with his homework.
Classes were challenging this semester, but I enjoyed it. I had to write several paper one was on the historical and archaelogocial proof for the tower of babel. Quite fascinating!
The next paper was on pro-gay theology. You have to choose a controversial subject and definitely be on one side of it. This topic was very taxing as both sides have very convincing arguments but it was if the bigger picture was coming into focus as I did this paper. It was mentally exhausting, but very fulfilling by the time I finished. I ended up with a B in the class, but since I had tried 3 times before to pass this class I am more than satisfied with a B. I didn't have the english classes when I was in high school and besides it was so LONG ago! haha!
Next on the list is my sister's business. I have jumped in with both feet to help her build her business and make it successful. We are a good match, she if very market saavy and business minded and likes schmuzing with the big dogs. Me on the other hand, I am perfectly content to be in the background, create and be creative, and provide customer service. It is a tad confusing because my sister is the sole proprieter and I am an employee of sorts but yet she refers to me as her partner. I don't quite know how to act or react in this situation.
More later....
Monday, November 07, 2005
Birthday success
Our trip was successful and our friend is doing much better. For that I am grateful.
My birthday, was fun. My friends took me to the cheesecake factory for my birthday dinner and we shopped (not my favorite activity but we had fun). Saturday night the people we were staying with took me out for my birthday, mexican restaurant, my favorite! It was a nice evening.
I was more than a little disappointed that my children or my parents or siblings - no one called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I know I shouldn't let it disappoint me but I do.
And if success in friendships and family comes in the number of cards you get, or presents you get then I am doomed. I got 2 cards and 2 presents - and no phone calls......I live a pathetic life. I still think there must be something wrong with me that people seem to think so little of me. I have been told that is a lie from the pit of hell, but is it? Really?
I know I am having a pity party today and no one is coming but me. My life story. I hate my life.
My birthday, was fun. My friends took me to the cheesecake factory for my birthday dinner and we shopped (not my favorite activity but we had fun). Saturday night the people we were staying with took me out for my birthday, mexican restaurant, my favorite! It was a nice evening.
I was more than a little disappointed that my children or my parents or siblings - no one called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I know I shouldn't let it disappoint me but I do.
And if success in friendships and family comes in the number of cards you get, or presents you get then I am doomed. I got 2 cards and 2 presents - and no phone calls......I live a pathetic life. I still think there must be something wrong with me that people seem to think so little of me. I have been told that is a lie from the pit of hell, but is it? Really?
I know I am having a pity party today and no one is coming but me. My life story. I hate my life.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Getting Smart
With age comes wisdom, of this I am thankful!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.
Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....
BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!
And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.
I can't wait!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.
Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....
BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!
And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.
I can't wait!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Old....
Yesterday I had an appointment with a cardiologist. They thought there was a problem with my heart. Good news! I am healthy! My body just got used to the blood pressure medicine they think. My test looked good.
But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.
I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)
I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.
Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!
Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!
But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.
I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)
I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.
Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!
Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Bifocals
Old age? Or just a lot of use of my eyes? I prefer to think of it as my eyes have been used up to their required mileage and they need a little extra boost! I got bifocals yesterday. I am praying that God will heal my eyes. I don't like bifocals. I can't get use to that line across my glasses. They assure me I will get used to it but I feel frustrated with the effort.
BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!
So vanity and implication versus life and function.
Function wins!
BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!
So vanity and implication versus life and function.
Function wins!
Better Day
It is a better day, I began to feel better last night. What has changed? And will it continue to get better? Why? Why the change? I will accept it as a gift. Thank you God. Maybe it is the prayers that are going up on my behalf.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
who can understand anything?
I don't get it. My daughter just told me that her friend who is 13, same as she, has an offer from victoria secret to model juniors underwear. I want to scream! What is wrong with the parents that they would let their 13 year old and quite innocent I might add, daughter model in her underwear for the world to see? What is wrong with this world?
No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!
No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
black cloud
There is this black cloud hanging over me. My thoughts are not suicidal, but I just can't think, I can't remember things. I have no energy. It is work just to type this. And contrary to popular belief when depression takes over, I don't sit around and think whoa is me. It is more an apathy that won't go away. I find myself very short with people and especially the children.
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Depression
Depression is such a stupid thing. I have struggled with it for way too long. I am a christian I am supposed to believe that God is taking care of everything and that it will all work out. And I do believe that but.....the depression I deal with has a mind of it's own. I can't just tell it to go away. I feel so heavy, and what am I depressed about? I have no idea - that is part of the problem. If I could figure that out I would be all set. I am having fun working, albeit a bit stressed right now. The money situation while very tight is okay, needs are met. The kids....well, health problems, teenage behavior.....it is all normal. I just feel like there is this cloud hanging over my head and I can't shake it. My limbs are filled with lead and my thoughts betray the hope and excitement that I know is there. I have done so many exciting things at work this week and been creative with both my hands and my mind. So why do I feel gloom and doom. I just feel like I could sleep forever. I know, I know....you can't live by feelings, feelings are fickle. You have to go by what you know to be true, and I do that, but it doesn't get rid of the physical feelings of depression. Somedays I feel like depression is robbing me of my life and I get mad at that. Is it a power in the unseen world that is trying to destroy me? Is there REALLY a struggle in the spiritual realm that would have me be less than what I could achieve because of this opression that is upon me? Or is it a physical thing that I will just have to deal with. It is always at this time of year that the depression seems to come over me in a black wave. The doctor says it is probably because my body is anticipating the lack of sunshine that is quickly coming upon us, and that my body is conditioned for this after many years of repetition.
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.
I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.
I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, September 15, 2005
manual for teenagers
Someone should write a manual for dealing with teenagers. Of course any parent of a teenager would probably throw the book in the trash as the kids would probably figure out a way to make that book inaccurate. Oh my gosh! I have heard people say that they would take boys anyday and I would have to agree. One minute I am my daughters best friend and the next she is shouting at me telling me she hates me and will never tell me anything again. I would like to put her in a cave for the next 6 years of her life and feed her through a hole in the wall! Geez!
I get so tired of it!
I don't remember being that tempramental when I was a teen ager. Was I? I will have to ask my mom.
I get so tired of it!
I don't remember being that tempramental when I was a teen ager. Was I? I will have to ask my mom.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Parenting
Last night was back to school night. Another area that I feel lonely in. First off there is only one of me and two children, and classes to hit and teachers to meet. For the most part I enjoyed seeing the kids schedule's and meeting their favorite teachers. It was hotter than haides in that school though. I bet it was 100 degrees in that school and that was at night! I can't imagine what those kids have to go through during the day when the sun is shining. Oh man! How can they learn in an enviroment like that? And the poor teachers.
The elementary school that feeds the kids middle school was complaining because they didn't have air and it was making it impossible to teach the kids, because they were so hot. Well I agree with that.
When I came out last night to the car there had been some vandalism. Someone had gone through and taken all the gas caps off of cars that they could. Mine was locked so I was okay, but they through them all around the parking area, and one must have skimmed off my hood because I have deep scratches on my hood. They tore bumpers off of vehicles. I hope they catch who did this.
But back to my original thoughts. I don't know any of the other parents, I am not sure I really want to - honestly. But it would have been nice to greet someone and to feel apart of it all. I know, I know - I was there for my kids not to socialize.....but still......sigh.
I didn't fit in at their elementary school because we lived out in the country and not in the additions with all of them. And then we moved and didn't live by the school. But here at the middle school. We live here. It all goes back to knowing your neighbors. I must be the one to change this. Who else is going to do it? No one else is going to initiate a get together to learn who the neighbors are. It must be me.
The elementary school that feeds the kids middle school was complaining because they didn't have air and it was making it impossible to teach the kids, because they were so hot. Well I agree with that.
When I came out last night to the car there had been some vandalism. Someone had gone through and taken all the gas caps off of cars that they could. Mine was locked so I was okay, but they through them all around the parking area, and one must have skimmed off my hood because I have deep scratches on my hood. They tore bumpers off of vehicles. I hope they catch who did this.
But back to my original thoughts. I don't know any of the other parents, I am not sure I really want to - honestly. But it would have been nice to greet someone and to feel apart of it all. I know, I know - I was there for my kids not to socialize.....but still......sigh.
I didn't fit in at their elementary school because we lived out in the country and not in the additions with all of them. And then we moved and didn't live by the school. But here at the middle school. We live here. It all goes back to knowing your neighbors. I must be the one to change this. Who else is going to do it? No one else is going to initiate a get together to learn who the neighbors are. It must be me.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Friends...
Yesterday after church I was feeling so lonely. My daughter was going to lunch and a movie with friends and I had no one. I couldn't find anyone who was going out for lunch and so I was feel the loneliness all so much more. As I was walking out to the car feeling this tremendous weight, two of the girls from the young adults group flagged me over and said how they had missed me at Sunday school (I went to another class). That helped but then they asked if I wanted to go to lunch, it was a very nice lunch. We didn't go anywhere fancy but it was the company that made it a 5 star restaurant. I really really needed that and enjoyed their company. It made the weight I was carrying yesterday so much lighter.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Loneliness
Loneliness was the topic at church last Sunday, the giant of loneliness and becoming a giant killer. I wish I could remember what he said about defeating the giant of loneliness.
The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.
Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.
The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.
Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.
Bibles...
Well I did it. I bought yet another bible. Giant Print. I can't read my little ones and the other large print bible I have is falling apart, so I needed another one. It would probably be easier to get new classes so I could read the tiny print. I am being vain, I don't want bifocals those are for old people and I am NOT old. Anyway I bought this bible and I couldn't get it in the New Living Translation like I like I had to get it in the New King James Version, which seems to read pretty easily and it is just one more version to add to my collection.
I also bought a new book - The Lost Books of the Bible - quite fascinating reading so far. I am reading about Mary's parents and her birth and childhood. They say that these books are just as accurate but that politics might have played a part in them not getting in the bible. Or some questionable facts. Like the fact that Jesus when he was a boy got mad at another boy and caused him to fall down dead, and when the townspeople accused him of murder he caused some of them to go blind! But did it really happen? I can't wait to read in the text that part. I am quite curious.
Do you know that Joachim and Anna - Mary's parents couldn't concieve and the angel told Joachim that sometimes God does that so that the child born was not born out of lust but was born as a gift from God? Wow! I think that should be in the bible. Having been through infertility myself I would have been so encouraged to have read that.
I will try to keep you updated as to what I read. It is quite fascinating so far.
Boy I am just full of verbage today, aren't I?
I also bought a new book - The Lost Books of the Bible - quite fascinating reading so far. I am reading about Mary's parents and her birth and childhood. They say that these books are just as accurate but that politics might have played a part in them not getting in the bible. Or some questionable facts. Like the fact that Jesus when he was a boy got mad at another boy and caused him to fall down dead, and when the townspeople accused him of murder he caused some of them to go blind! But did it really happen? I can't wait to read in the text that part. I am quite curious.
Do you know that Joachim and Anna - Mary's parents couldn't concieve and the angel told Joachim that sometimes God does that so that the child born was not born out of lust but was born as a gift from God? Wow! I think that should be in the bible. Having been through infertility myself I would have been so encouraged to have read that.
I will try to keep you updated as to what I read. It is quite fascinating so far.
Boy I am just full of verbage today, aren't I?
College Animation Class
I am in my second semester of animation at college. We are 4 weeks into school and we have not done any animating yet! How frustrating that is. The class is divided there are some 3D modeling students in the class and some animation students, some are first semester and some are second semester. We have done no 3D work and no animation. The professor is teaching us a Microsoft product to produce tutorials in 3D so he can get grants! The whole class is unhappy and several are talking about going to the dean of the department to discuss what is happening.
I hate the class because I am not learning the animation I wanted to learn. I am learning some fun things but they are not part of animation and that is frustrating. I paid good money to take my animatioin skills (in Flash) to the next level and the prof wants me to create tutorials? You have to know - well - what you are going to create a tutorial on.
And if I went to any of the professional companies and said well I know a little flash but I know Microsoft PowerPoint and Producer - they would laugh in my face! They are not considered the programs of the professionals. Aghhhh. Anyway I think I carried on about this once before.
So the whole class is thinking of protesting. Life is never dull in my household!
I hate the class because I am not learning the animation I wanted to learn. I am learning some fun things but they are not part of animation and that is frustrating. I paid good money to take my animatioin skills (in Flash) to the next level and the prof wants me to create tutorials? You have to know - well - what you are going to create a tutorial on.
And if I went to any of the professional companies and said well I know a little flash but I know Microsoft PowerPoint and Producer - they would laugh in my face! They are not considered the programs of the professionals. Aghhhh. Anyway I think I carried on about this once before.
So the whole class is thinking of protesting. Life is never dull in my household!
time flies....
gosh time flies when you are.....having fun? or are busy? I have so much going on. Classes started and while they aren't hard there seems to be a lot of work. In my W131 class (ha this is what it looks like with the caps on - W!#! weird sense of humor coming through there) any way I found out that any student can use the campus writing center for anything. For example I can take the book I am working on down there and they can help me with the writing of it. Pretty cool! That is very exciting to me. Oh yes for those who don't know I am writing a book called - "Saved by an Email" it is the correspondence between a pastor/counselor and myself during a very dark time in my life. It is my hopes that people who are going through what I went through during that time would be encouraged and changed by the book. I have 100 pages written so far, it is mostly just organizing at this point. I must go through 1000's of emails and decide which ones to use. And then I must change some names, mostly it does not have people's names in it for very little of it is about people. It is about spirituality and emotional well-being.
Anyway I am off on a bunny trail there. I have been busy with my work and my sister's business, and the kids, school and house. My sister wants to work her business so badly and I told her I would work my own business and do the graphics for her and then she could run her business......wow as I start to type this I realize it is too hard to put into words all that is going on.
My youngest son started Middle School this year and he is just blooming! It is fun to watch! Last year the teacher said he barely talked in school and he would come home and just talk and talk and talk. He has always been very shy. Well he joined the drama team! And the drama teacher tells me what a gift he has and how he has such a stage presence! And he tells me everything he does and I told the drama teacher how his teacher couldn't get him to talk last year. It is almost as if we are talking about two different children. But he was so single minded when they announced drama club he jumped on the chance and couldn't wait for it to start. It is so cool! And then he is in shop class - I think they call it industrial arts now - and he is running the power tools and sanding and building things and he is in 7th heaven. He is just blooming! It is so exciting as a parent to see a child take off flying. He is excelling in his classes, even in language which has been a struggle for him. My daughter grumped all through the 6th grade and I was prepared for a repeat but it is not to be so.
My daughter is having health problems. They have decided that the shakiness and two big episodes that she has had is not hypoglycemia as first thought but seizures -- :.....(
They are going to do an MRI on wednesday, and then a sleep deprived EEG and then a 48 hour EEG. The doctor said that it could be because of the onset of puberty or it could be the onset of migraines or it could be something else. She is mad at me and wanting me to leave the whole thing alone, but the doctor heard enough to know that something was going on.
One a positive note - she has had this rash on her arm and the medicine the doctor gave her wasn't making it go away and one day she came to me and said mom look at my rash and I said, "wow it looks a lot better, the medicine must be working" and she said, "no I have been praying about it" so that is encouraging. And I have been asking her if she is experiencing any more shakiness and she said no. Now whether that is because she doesn't want this whole thing with the doctor to happen or because it really hasn't been happening I am not sure. Maybe it is the prayers being sent up.
Anyway I am off on a bunny trail there. I have been busy with my work and my sister's business, and the kids, school and house. My sister wants to work her business so badly and I told her I would work my own business and do the graphics for her and then she could run her business......wow as I start to type this I realize it is too hard to put into words all that is going on.
My youngest son started Middle School this year and he is just blooming! It is fun to watch! Last year the teacher said he barely talked in school and he would come home and just talk and talk and talk. He has always been very shy. Well he joined the drama team! And the drama teacher tells me what a gift he has and how he has such a stage presence! And he tells me everything he does and I told the drama teacher how his teacher couldn't get him to talk last year. It is almost as if we are talking about two different children. But he was so single minded when they announced drama club he jumped on the chance and couldn't wait for it to start. It is so cool! And then he is in shop class - I think they call it industrial arts now - and he is running the power tools and sanding and building things and he is in 7th heaven. He is just blooming! It is so exciting as a parent to see a child take off flying. He is excelling in his classes, even in language which has been a struggle for him. My daughter grumped all through the 6th grade and I was prepared for a repeat but it is not to be so.
My daughter is having health problems. They have decided that the shakiness and two big episodes that she has had is not hypoglycemia as first thought but seizures -- :.....(
They are going to do an MRI on wednesday, and then a sleep deprived EEG and then a 48 hour EEG. The doctor said that it could be because of the onset of puberty or it could be the onset of migraines or it could be something else. She is mad at me and wanting me to leave the whole thing alone, but the doctor heard enough to know that something was going on.
One a positive note - she has had this rash on her arm and the medicine the doctor gave her wasn't making it go away and one day she came to me and said mom look at my rash and I said, "wow it looks a lot better, the medicine must be working" and she said, "no I have been praying about it" so that is encouraging. And I have been asking her if she is experiencing any more shakiness and she said no. Now whether that is because she doesn't want this whole thing with the doctor to happen or because it really hasn't been happening I am not sure. Maybe it is the prayers being sent up.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
oh my.....
I am SOOOOOO tired! I decided that it was time to go through all those boxes in the garage from when we moved last October. I was determined that I was going to get more room in the garage. Well I almost accomplished the feat. Almost....but I still congratulating myself on a job well done, even though I didn't get it finished.
I threw away about 15 boxes, condensed other ones so that I now have about a dozen empty rubbermaid tubs and it started to cloud over and I was so exhausted that I just put what was left back in the garage. I have about 5 boxes for the auction house, but still many more to sort through. I am so sore!
And while I was doing this my daughter had two friends over and my son had two friends over and my oldest son is here. So while I worked they tore up the inside of the house and then the toilet overflowed and, and .......well you get the picture! I put them all to work and the house is okay, and then I was so tired that I had all of them come outside and help me with the last little bit.
I deserve a pat on the back. That was a major task! And now we can all get in an out of the car IN the garage. And we can find all the sports stuff and we can find all our tools once again!
Oh groan.....I feel like a 90 year old woman, I am so sore! Even tylenol didn't stop the ache.
But I feel good when I look at my garage.
I threw away about 15 boxes, condensed other ones so that I now have about a dozen empty rubbermaid tubs and it started to cloud over and I was so exhausted that I just put what was left back in the garage. I have about 5 boxes for the auction house, but still many more to sort through. I am so sore!
And while I was doing this my daughter had two friends over and my son had two friends over and my oldest son is here. So while I worked they tore up the inside of the house and then the toilet overflowed and, and .......well you get the picture! I put them all to work and the house is okay, and then I was so tired that I had all of them come outside and help me with the last little bit.
I deserve a pat on the back. That was a major task! And now we can all get in an out of the car IN the garage. And we can find all the sports stuff and we can find all our tools once again!
Oh groan.....I feel like a 90 year old woman, I am so sore! Even tylenol didn't stop the ache.
But I feel good when I look at my garage.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
hmmm
Here I sit in class bored witless, because the class is so...
well the prof just came back in. Back to pretend listening.
well the prof just came back in. Back to pretend listening.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Sigh...
I am in quite the quandry. I love the young adults group at church. After all I go to college too, and I am only 18 in my heart. But I am not 20-30 years old. And I so love socializing with the young adults but really I don't fit. I feel awkward like I shouldn't be there but I want to be there. I don't socialize with people my own age. I really have very little in common with them. Their lives are all tied up in their husband or wife and kids, or work. Mine is tied up in my schooling, kids, and work and I just don't have a lot to talk about to most people, many people my age are so shallow, they have forgotten what it is like to be diversified and have many interests, and the young adults are so vibrant, and full of life and so interested in many things. They have not become narrowed minded as so many older people are. Well...I had better stop before I say something I shouldn't.
Love you young adults!
Love you young adults!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Open Mind
An update from last post. While I am still frustrated that I am not learning any animating in the animation class, I am thrilled to be learning a new way of doing things. From what we learned in class Wed. night, I put together a tutorial for those wanting to help me with the young adults web site! Whooo hooooo! Now I just need to get the software installed up there in the control room. But I have a video step-by-step tutorial for everyone to follow to learn the software.
Parents
I had this over whelming feeling to visit my parents last night. It has been a while since I have visited with them and they are 85 and 89 you never know when it will be the last time to visit them. So I had a nice visit with them last night.
Parents
I had this over whelming feeling to visit my parents last night. It has been a while since I have visited with them and they are 85 and 89 you never know when it will be the last time to visit them. So I had a nice visit with them last night.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Eating Crow
Well I have to say, I am going to have to "eat crow".....last night in class they showed us a bunch of stuff with acrobat, word, powerpoint and producer. It was just way too cool! I can see some really neat possibilites with this software, not so much in "the field" but in other ways. For instance, I am wanting to teach some others at church how to update the web site, and getting us all together might be a challenge, but with the particular software I can create a video tutorial that I can put up on the web and they can learn at their leisure and watch it over and over! Or if I have someone that is having computer problems or needs to know how to do something I can quickly go through the steps while it captures my screen movements and then email it to them and they can see it being done! Way too cool!
Oh and by the way, any one from church who is reading this and cares? God quite uniquely supplied the software that we need for you to work on the web site! God is so good!
And I am not taking the cleansing streams class after all so I will be back for Sunday School! Whoo hooo! I think God knew deep down I needed to be connected to you guys right now.
Oh and by the way, any one from church who is reading this and cares? God quite uniquely supplied the software that we need for you to work on the web site! God is so good!
And I am not taking the cleansing streams class after all so I will be back for Sunday School! Whoo hooo! I think God knew deep down I needed to be connected to you guys right now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Change
I have realized that I don't like change. I went to class last night knowing exactly in my mind what I was going to gain and learn from this class. I have had this professor quite a few times and he typically lets you work on your own, learning what you can. But this time he has decided to be structured and I don't like it! Aside from the fact that he is using software that the industry (given the fact I am working in it) would laugh in our faces if we told them we were learning it! If I went to a company and said, gee we learned how to utilize Microsoft Producer and PowerPoint, they would just laugh at you! This is not one of the industry big boys and it is frustrating to me that he is going to MAKE us create a tutorial for the school database using this software. We have to use PowerPoint.....I am going to college to learn how to use PowerPoint? Which I have already mastered by the way - I am not saying you can't learn more about a program you can always learn more but.....geez....I would be wasting my time, creating something for the school as opposed to learning something. I am so very frustrated at this.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Another picture
Okay I am a nerd officially! I went and checked the code on a friends blog to see how she did it and then checked the help menu. I was making it much harder than it had to be. - do I do that in life too? hmmm something to ponder. Anyway here is a picture that I illustrated in Photoshop. Just playing around but it was quite fun to do. I would like to do more of these types of illustrations on the computer. It is quite relaxing. I enjoy the look of it too. I really must make more time for my artwork but when you do art work for a living, trying to do artwork for the fun of it is quite challenging. I bought a new book on some really fun photoshop techniques and I can see some really neat illustrations that I could do. This world would really be interesting if all the ideas I ever had for an illustration could be manufactored by my hands. But sadly I am not independently wealthy enough yet to have nothing to do but create works of art. So I must pour my creative self into my work. And it is a rare thing indeed to be able to love your work enough that you are actually happy working. But I am. I find myself, taking all of the creativity that seems to ooze from my very being and putting it into other people's needs. And it is fun to see someone so excited about your artwork because of what it can do for them. To see someone's face light up because of a logo - a branding - of their group or organization that will represent them is a great satisfaction. To see someone smile because they liked a tshirt you designed for them to pass out and wear and be proud of is another great satisfaction.
Picture...
I found myself being quite envious (because jealousy is not a good thing) of friends having pictures on their blog and I did not. I just wanted to see how the Picasa software worked and having hundreds of picture files to dig through I took the first thing that happened across my path that I thought would be halfway decent. So there you have it an attempt at putting a picture in! And it worked! Of course it did not work in the FireFox software but it worked in IE, so half right, but not anything that I can control. Of course I am going to have to examine this more closely because I can not really blog under it, I have to do a separate post to go with it. I must look at my friends blog more closely.
Friday, August 19, 2005
More thoughts....
I got my school money yesterday and I have preceeded to spend it....not recklessly mind you. I got the garage door fixed, I had the exterminator come out and spray a yellow jacket nest. It was the same type that killed the local zoo director. A very agressive type, we had strick warning to stay out of that area until a day from now. He said it appearred to be a VERY LARGE nest, may 2ooo-5000 yellow jackets, but it was hard to tell as it was under the porch, he was just gaging it from how fast they where entering and exiting the nest.
My children were begging me to get the dishwasher sitting in a box out in the garage installed (what is wrong with that picture?)
I have paid some bills and have more to catch up on. But it is nerve wracking spending money when you have been so tight moneywise. I don't want to spend it! But it is a good feeling to get the bills caught up.
A bit of news....friends....yes they really are friends even if we don't hang out or socialize much, are having a baby, their first. They found out it is a boy. How exciting! But they think the baby has a certain type of hernia, and that it can be life threatening, but they can also do a very routine surgery on the baby to fix it, but it can cause problems in the lung development. The doctor said that sometimes the hernia can fix itself as well. So if you are reading this and you pray, would you please pray for my friends Brian and Trish? Thank you.
My children were begging me to get the dishwasher sitting in a box out in the garage installed (what is wrong with that picture?
I have paid some bills and have more to catch up on. But it is nerve wracking spending money when you have been so tight moneywise. I don't want to spend it! But it is a good feeling to get the bills caught up.
A bit of news....friends....yes they really are friends even if we don't hang out or socialize much, are having a baby, their first. They found out it is a boy. How exciting! But they think the baby has a certain type of hernia, and that it can be life threatening, but they can also do a very routine surgery on the baby to fix it, but it can cause problems in the lung development. The doctor said that sometimes the hernia can fix itself as well. So if you are reading this and you pray, would you please pray for my friends Brian and Trish? Thank you.
e-mails....
I remember when......(eeeeeewwwwww) one email address and you had really made it. Now....I have ------drum roll please----------19 different-all active-emails! It is crazy! I am being handed and email every time I turn around, from somewhere! I have my school email, I have my home email (and a couple of others to help me separate), I have my work emails, which totals 6, I have the email for the magazine I write for, I have a yahoo email, which I really should get rid of, I have 5 aol emails ---oh and if I add the kids accounts it is staggering! Thank goodness for outlook where I can bring several of emails into one place, and my ISP provider allows the same as outlook, several emails in one place. It is just crazy!
Other Topics
Back to work....my school money came and I promised the kids we could buy them new shoes and one new outfit, they are so excited. As a parent when you can't provide for your children it is very weighing on you. And then when you are able to buy them something that they need...yes for my children it really is a need...it is a good feeling.
I was so excited because by sister cleaned out her closet and gave me any of the outfits she was getting rid of, that I wanted. Now you have to understand 3 things: My sister will buy an outfit and wear it once, some items still have tags on, and she is a 3x I am an x-large....I have always been so excited when she cleaned out her closet because it meant new clothes for me! Never mind that they didn't fit the greatest, they were new! I haven't bought myself any new clothes in a very very long time. I was never ashamed of it until someone from church came up and offered me some clothes of theirs, saying they thought that they might fit me better. I have been very ashamed of my dress up clothing since then. I know shame is not a good thing....but......when I start getting money to come in from my business, I am going to put a small clothing budget in there for me, somewhere. It doesn't tackle my current situation, but.....oh, well....it will work out, and I will pray about it, I always have my casual clothes which are pretty good, and who needs so many dress up outfits anyway? I can be creative with my business outfits, a suit jacket can give a sweater top and pants a whole new look! (They will just think I love red and black! Power colors! ha ha!)
Zoo----
I am taking the kids to the zoo tomorrow. We received free passes to the zoo and the kids are so excited! My school money came and so we are going to splurge and do one of the rides, for 4 of us that will ad up quickly. Maybe even have lunch there, although it would probably be wiser to eat somewhere else. The kids have been talking all week about what they want to see at the zoo. Even my 15 year old! It is quite exciting, I love the zoo, and wish I had more time for it. I would love to have another year long zoo pass, maybe it would make a 2 hour trip more possible. --oh I must remember to charge the camera!
Mark my words.....
Someday I am going to be well off, I will not always be the single mom scrapping by. I will be the single mom, who is well off, mark my words on this.......not that money is driving me, it is not, but I am the child of a king, and I am going to live like it soon.....thank you God. My sister is well off, my brother.....whew, he is very well off, and my other sister, what she doesn't make in money, she makes in very very low rent and utilities in a good neighborhood, she has a good deal going. I will too---soon.
Other Topics
Back to work....my school money came and I promised the kids we could buy them new shoes and one new outfit, they are so excited. As a parent when you can't provide for your children it is very weighing on you. And then when you are able to buy them something that they need...yes for my children it really is a need...it is a good feeling.
I was so excited because by sister cleaned out her closet and gave me any of the outfits she was getting rid of, that I wanted. Now you have to understand 3 things: My sister will buy an outfit and wear it once, some items still have tags on, and she is a 3x I am an x-large....I have always been so excited when she cleaned out her closet because it meant new clothes for me! Never mind that they didn't fit the greatest, they were new! I haven't bought myself any new clothes in a very very long time. I was never ashamed of it until someone from church came up and offered me some clothes of theirs, saying they thought that they might fit me better. I have been very ashamed of my dress up clothing since then. I know shame is not a good thing....but......when I start getting money to come in from my business, I am going to put a small clothing budget in there for me, somewhere. It doesn't tackle my current situation, but.....oh, well....it will work out, and I will pray about it, I always have my casual clothes which are pretty good, and who needs so many dress up outfits anyway? I can be creative with my business outfits, a suit jacket can give a sweater top and pants a whole new look! (They will just think I love red and black! Power colors! ha ha!)
Zoo----
I am taking the kids to the zoo tomorrow. We received free passes to the zoo and the kids are so excited! My school money came and so we are going to splurge and do one of the rides, for 4 of us that will ad up quickly. Maybe even have lunch there, although it would probably be wiser to eat somewhere else. The kids have been talking all week about what they want to see at the zoo. Even my 15 year old! It is quite exciting, I love the zoo, and wish I had more time for it. I would love to have another year long zoo pass, maybe it would make a 2 hour trip more possible. --oh I must remember to charge the camera!
Mark my words.....
Someday I am going to be well off, I will not always be the single mom scrapping by. I will be the single mom, who is well off, mark my words on this.......not that money is driving me, it is not, but I am the child of a king, and I am going to live like it soon.....thank you God. My sister is well off, my brother.....whew, he is very well off, and my other sister, what she doesn't make in money, she makes in very very low rent and utilities in a good neighborhood, she has a good deal going. I will too---soon.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Thoughts
I have a woman I am just getting to know. I would really like to foster this friendship, I like her, and last night she told me how she had brothers that were murdered and she found yesterday, that is working with the sister of the man who killed her brothers. The man received the death penalty. And this friend of mines biggest concern is helping this other family heal through this, no anger, no unforgiveness - WOW! I am really amazed! I want to get to know someone like that. I am so impressed, this is someone who has found a deep connection to God, to be able to forgive that.
Blog, blog, blog.....
I was going to do some blogging this morning but I have so many things going through my head at the moment and I have a 7 a.m. meeting I must go to and don't feel like I have the time to get my thoughts out coherently enough. So I will wait until later......I just couldn't stand this blank box staring me in the face and closing it empty! Oh my! What a monster Tamara has created!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Good News!
Good news from the doctor! Olivia's glucose test was normal! But the doc did think she was having hypoglycemia, which she said is hard to test for. But she gave us dietary tips (don't eat anything out of a bag or box!) and said that should help. I feel much better.
Today Olivia picks up her football equipement. We had a momentary panic last night when we couldn't find her physical form. I looked through the stacks of paper at my elbow on my desk to no avail, I tore the car apart looking, no luck. What ever possessed Olivia to look in my file draw, I have no clue, but look she did and I am getting myself so organized that I didn't realize I had filed it away! Whew.....crisis over! I guess I didn't realize how organized I am becoming!
I have been so edgy and short with the kids lately, I will need to Journal some more and find out what this is all about. I don't like myself when I get that way.
Today Olivia picks up her football equipement. We had a momentary panic last night when we couldn't find her physical form. I looked through the stacks of paper at my elbow on my desk to no avail, I tore the car apart looking, no luck. What ever possessed Olivia to look in my file draw, I have no clue, but look she did and I am getting myself so organized that I didn't realize I had filed it away! Whew.....crisis over! I guess I didn't realize how organized I am becoming!
I have been so edgy and short with the kids lately, I will need to Journal some more and find out what this is all about. I don't like myself when I get that way.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Blogging...
Hmmm Blogging is addictive, I should have been working by now and I have been at this for an hour and half, trying to figure things out. I have to just accept things as they are, and let go....
Today, I take my daughter to the doctor to see the results of a glucose test. We have a lot of diabetes in our family and she has been experiencing a lot of shakiness, and if we have her eat protein the shakiness goes away, but this is happening every two hours or so. She is only 12 years old, I am praying that this is just that teenage hormonal shift that is throwing her body into turmoil. I am concerned....
This is the same child that is determined to play football with the guys on her junior high school team. She wants so badly to be a part of the school and on a team, but volleyball has cuts, basketball has cuts, and because she is large (but very agile and fast, she has danced since she was 3 yrs old) there is a bias there that she wouldn't be able to keep up or do the work. I am thinking that football might change their attitude, and make her known to the girls coaches. We shall see where this leads to.
Today, I take my daughter to the doctor to see the results of a glucose test. We have a lot of diabetes in our family and she has been experiencing a lot of shakiness, and if we have her eat protein the shakiness goes away, but this is happening every two hours or so. She is only 12 years old, I am praying that this is just that teenage hormonal shift that is throwing her body into turmoil. I am concerned....
This is the same child that is determined to play football with the guys on her junior high school team. She wants so badly to be a part of the school and on a team, but volleyball has cuts, basketball has cuts, and because she is large (but very agile and fast, she has danced since she was 3 yrs old) there is a bias there that she wouldn't be able to keep up or do the work. I am thinking that football might change their attitude, and make her known to the girls coaches. We shall see where this leads to.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Book?
I just found out that I can publish a book blog, I have been working on a book - Saved by an Email - I want to possibly blog this, I need to look into this more.
The beauty of NO BRAINER
I have decided that no brainer is the way to go. I was so mad today, I am trying to learn CSS. I cussed I yelled, the kids thought I had gone mad. I had! Why can't I learn this? I got a CSS book for dummies and in the reality of that book it is very simple. A very simple concept. But try using it in the real world of web design, mix in mountains more code and you have a situation that is enough to make a christian lose their christianity! I must repent and ask for forgiveness and then hardest of all forgive myself for my actions today.
And then I had this bright idea that I was going to publish MY blog to my website and customize it. Just like that. What was I thinking? Geez! After fiddling with that and trying to get it ftp'd to my server space and the server not having an answer as to why I couldn't log in, and going to the book store last night and browing the books...well you know the templates on here look very good. I think it is all about control I can't control the blogger template and it is driving me crazy. And CSS is all about control, making the web design bend to my will, not taking what I can achieve the simple way, because I want it to look like it does in my head. Well after getting so angry today I have come to the conclusion that I will give up the control and stick with the no brainer. It makes life so much simpler. It doesn't make me a better web designer, but maybe it is not time for that yet. Maybe I need to be patient with myself.
So for now I will bend my will to the basic old boring blog and make changes here and there.
And then I had this bright idea that I was going to publish MY blog to my website and customize it. Just like that. What was I thinking? Geez! After fiddling with that and trying to get it ftp'd to my server space and the server not having an answer as to why I couldn't log in, and going to the book store last night and browing the books...well you know the templates on here look very good. I think it is all about control I can't control the blogger template and it is driving me crazy. And CSS is all about control, making the web design bend to my will, not taking what I can achieve the simple way, because I want it to look like it does in my head. Well after getting so angry today I have come to the conclusion that I will give up the control and stick with the no brainer. It makes life so much simpler. It doesn't make me a better web designer, but maybe it is not time for that yet. Maybe I need to be patient with myself.
So for now I will bend my will to the basic old boring blog and make changes here and there.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
I am becoming quite obsessed
I am becoming quite obsessed with blogging. I want the darn thing to look like my own design and not a canned version. Can I do it????
Church
I am so glad I went to church! I drag my feet and feel rotten and then I go to church and I hear what God is doing in other peoples lives and I share what God is doing in my own life (that is when the realization that God is at work happens) and I feel so much better! I have a neat group of people as friends at church. I always feel so much better after I worship and feel the love of the people around me.
I was truly blessed today. A person that I am just becoming acquainted with, truly becoming a friend, slipped me some cash today. What a huge blessing! I was worried about where gas for the car was going to come from. I can look at that and say a friend was kind to me or I can look at that and say that God moved on a friend of mine and supplied a need. Two ways of looking at the same thing. One blesses God the other blesses man.
I missed Tamara today. I was so looking forward to telling her about this blog, and how much fun I am having. Do I call her and stumble around with what to say that I missed her? Or do I do my usual and just wait until the next time I see her? I am great at electronic communication but really suck at face to face personal communication!
I was truly blessed today. A person that I am just becoming acquainted with, truly becoming a friend, slipped me some cash today. What a huge blessing! I was worried about where gas for the car was going to come from. I can look at that and say a friend was kind to me or I can look at that and say that God moved on a friend of mine and supplied a need. Two ways of looking at the same thing. One blesses God the other blesses man.
I missed Tamara today. I was so looking forward to telling her about this blog, and how much fun I am having. Do I call her and stumble around with what to say that I missed her? Or do I do my usual and just wait until the next time I see her? I am great at electronic communication but really suck at face to face personal communication!
Today
TODAY
Sunday, the day I go to Sunday School and Church. I like the people, I look forward to church....usually. Today, I don't feel like going. I am feeling low, which means I must put a smile on my face and act interested in other people, and like I have not a care in the world. If only that were true. But it is not. I have bills that are piling up fast and I hope that by blogging I will see how God is working in my life instead of always feeling like he has his thumb on me pushing me to the ground. He promised to supply all my needs, but all I see so far in my life is that promise and not the reality of it.
It doesn't help that a friend of mine is out of town, we have been good friends. I don't like how I am feeling because he is gone and I am not with him. Probably it is because I am feeling left out. We are just good friends.We just have a common bond that brings us very close.
I will go to church....I know that once I go I will feel better. I have such a spirit of heaviness in my life. Is it spiritual or physical. The depression I battle sometimes seems too heavy to deal with. But then I go to a good praise and worship service and I feel like I can beat it.
Sunday, the day I go to Sunday School and Church. I like the people, I look forward to church....usually. Today, I don't feel like going. I am feeling low, which means I must put a smile on my face and act interested in other people, and like I have not a care in the world. If only that were true. But it is not. I have bills that are piling up fast and I hope that by blogging I will see how God is working in my life instead of always feeling like he has his thumb on me pushing me to the ground. He promised to supply all my needs, but all I see so far in my life is that promise and not the reality of it.
It doesn't help that a friend of mine is out of town, we have been good friends. I don't like how I am feeling because he is gone and I am not with him. Probably it is because I am feeling left out. We are just good friends.We just have a common bond that brings us very close.
I will go to church....I know that once I go I will feel better. I have such a spirit of heaviness in my life. Is it spiritual or physical. The depression I battle sometimes seems too heavy to deal with. But then I go to a good praise and worship service and I feel like I can beat it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)