Happy Birthday Linda

Yesterday was my sister Linda's birthday, as many of you know she passed away on Good Friday of this year. This is her first birthday without her here. We (my family and her close friends) all went out for dinner last night, it was a nice evening and bittersweet. I was really aware of the fact that this whole group were friends and had been for many years, but that we all met through Linda, she was the common link. Without her we may never have met each other. My mom and sister and I all had her Jewelry on that we inherited, there isn't a day go by that we each have something of Linda's on. I hope Linda knows we celebrated with her.
It was a tough day. I still miss her so much and still can't believe she isn't here on earth with us, but I do feel she is with us in spirit and somehow that makes it easier.

Attitude

I keep telling myself it is a matter of attitude. I have to be thankful that I even have a job right now. It may get worse, or....I could get my dream job.
But I keep telling myself I have a job. Of course it has helped that my boss this week as been fairly sedate and we didn't have any drama! Maybe I am learning to keep my mouth shut better, or maybe she is relaxing. Her kitchen has been in the process of being remodeled and it has been finished this week, so maybe that is why we are having a good week, maybe the plant manager is not riding her so hard this week, who knows. I just know I have had a fairly good week at work.
I am extremely grateful for that since I found out I am trying to pass a kidney stone this week as well. If it doesn't pass by next week....well let's let tomorrow worry about itself! Thankfully I have no constant pain, only the pain when I....well you can fill in the blank there...ha ha! TMI!
So is it attitude or is it my boss, time will tell I suppose I am pretty sure it is my boss. I tend to be pretty upbeat when I am not at work.

times gone by...

I look at this abandoned wagon on a property in the country and wonder....what stories does it have to tell. Stories of a simpler life, a slower pace, and a focus on the things most important - PEOPLE.

It's Saturday

Well here it is Saturday and the first day of our fair. Lots to do. I went out with a couple of friends last night and relaxed, listened to their problems and ignored my own, it was bliss! I really had a nice time.

But always in the back of my head is the fact that I have to return to work on Monday, oh God - WHY??? Please let there be a miracle of some kind and keep me from having to go back to work there. Miracles can happen right? I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it.

Today there is Art in the downtown park...I love going and getting new inspiration! Of course we just had a huge down pour of rain. Hopefully that was it for the day. I can't wait! I am so looking forward to it!

I am learning to take one day at a time.

One more day....

One more day, I pull myself out of bed and live the American Dream....ha ha ha ha! I read the book rich dad, poor dad, and realize that the american dream of working hard, getting a good paycheck, saving up a little for retirement is a waste of time. The rich didn't get rich by working hard for a paycheck, that just covered their expenses. They got rich because they took chances, they stepped out of their safe little box and on faith they leaped and landed on their feet.

I hate this life. I hate the fact that I can't trust my kids because of what their father has taught them. He has taught them disrespect towards me, towards committments, and he has taught them to be bigots, racists and angry.

Anger can be a good thing, it can force change and I am not going to sit here and wallow in this anger. Things are going to change. I don't care if I have to take a huge cut in pay to get out of this job.

I want to make a difference in this world instead of just working for the paycheck to cover the bills. I don't need things to be happy, they really only make you more miserable because you have to clean around all of those "things" and store them and they cause stress.

I would be happier working in a small town with enough money to pay the expenses if it meant doing something I love versus working at a big company and meeting the expenses in a job I hate. Money helps aid in getting to happiness, but true happiness is being surrounded by the love of those who care about you and who you care about, and making a positive difference in this world.

So how will I find this utopia?

Life just plain ole sucks....

Right now that is how I feel. I write this thinking no one reads it, so this is not a blog that is supposed to make you feel good. Get over it! I have other blogs for that.
My youngest son...let's start there. He was supposed to compete in the 4-H fair this Saturday. We have sacrificed how many Monday nights, money and time to prepare for this big event, and then he tells me he is going to go to his dad's family reunion instead...and of course his dad being the SOB that he is doesn't make my youngest son stick with his commitments...no that would constitute being a good father, which he isn't. What the hell did I sacrifice all those Mondays for? Oh sure let's put on the positive face...he learned to bond with his dog, he had fun, he met some new people...blah, blah, blah....they also said that he was most likely to win the prize. Hurt and disappointment is what I feel. I just want to be proud of one of my chidren at least, none of my kids do anything extraordinary. They are lucky to get passing grades (except my youngest) And then because I am mad at him that he won't go, he has decided that he is going to stay with his dad from this point on and never talk to me again....yes that is right. Straight from his last text message, and with the influence of his dad this is probably the truth. So I "feel" in essence like someone has ripped my heart out. Rejection reigns supreme.

Then I was supposed to go to the zoo with my oldest son and his friend today. He backed out, first it was because his friend couldn't go and he didn't want to go without her, then he came up with he had to work. All excuses....rejection reigns supreme.

Then my youngest son took the keys to his tractor with him out to his dad's, so i can't mow with the riding tractor. I must unbury the push mower and mow with it. SHIT...I hate push mowing, not to mention all the work I am going to have to do just to get it out, and pray to God that it starts after not being used for two years. The lawn is way past needing mowed. We will be fined if it is not mowed quickly.
So then I resolve myself to the fact that this will need to be done, and it dawns on me, my youngest son has also kept the keys to the padlock on the gate into the backyard. So even if I get the mower out I can't mow the backyard. I am so damn angry at life right now everything seems so overwhelming.

Between the rejection from my sons, and the constant rejection from my rebellious daughter I just don't even want to make an attempt at Life anymore. I want to go curl up in a ball somewhere and wait until this shit that is my life is over.
I can't fight back because like it or not I still have the commitment to my kids that I can't get away from. People tell me I am a good parent and yet I am treated like I am the problem. I have a commitment to family. If I weren't a responsible person, I would pack up my car with some of my books, my computer and files, my camera equipment, and be out of here....I would go anywhere a long way from here. But alas I am a chicken shit and I am stuck in this place called 'my life'....

I have had two weeks off from work, and still can't find another job, I hate my boss's leadership style (fear based management) which in turn makes me hate my job. I sit in my car and hang my head and just come near tears at the thought of even making the walk in. I give up, there must not be a god in heaven if I beg him to help me find a new job, I take all the steps and still end up in that shit hole with the abusive boss. I have even applied for jobs all over the country!

I am just so angry inside! I feel like it might burst. I hope I die sooner than later, and I refuse suicide, I mean think about it...it is proven there is life after death and that your soul is who you are, your personality with all of it's flaws and good points is what will survive, so all of this anger, and rejection, and frustration will go with me and I won't change at all, and I would still be stuck with all of this garbage in the afterlife as well as now, so committing suicide wouldn't even get me away from all of this shit. Maybe if you believe in reincarnation and being stuck to family groups and all of that, my kids were hurt by me in a past life and now they are paying me back....geez! How ridiculous is that idea?
I would like to take all the glass rootbeer bottles my son left behind and smash the smithereens out out of them...that would make me feel much better.

Wow! So much negativity! What is up with that?

I was reading over my blog and it is full of negativity. UCK! I hate people like that, how did I become one?
Well it all goes back to attitudes! From this moment on positives! Like when you write those awful christmas letters, give glowing reports and making everything sound like a positive!
I can do that too!
First off I bought a book yesterday on how to make money blogging. Sounds great! I am going to give it a whirl...want to donate...ha ha!
Olivia and I had a good day yesterday. We went out to the mall, Grandma and her went shopping and I parked my self in heaven at the book store! It was great! And just as I got checked out and was going to head out and find the two of them they showed up at the book store, what perfect timing!
It was a beautiful day yesterday, sunny, not too hot and just perfect!
Today we will go to my parents house and eat Sunday Lunch, with some family.
Life is good.....attitudes!

attitudes

I have been thinking of my attitudes lately. I have two glorious weeks off from work. I hate my job, I want to cry every time I walk in the door. The politics kill me. My boss loves fear based management, and she loads it on thick, telling me that people think I am incompetent and so on. And based on a couple of things lately, I don't think this is true at all but she just tells me that. I caught her in a lie last week and paid dearly for that. She tells me constantly to be looking for another job, and then when I have brought this up she tells me that she has only told me this a couple of times! When in reality I hear it once a week at least, but I am not going to argue with my boss so I let it go.
Anyway back to the attitudes. I don't want to go back after this two weeks off, I have tried and tried to find another job, but with no luck. I keep thinking every day, I don't want to go back...well I am practically ruining by time off by thinking of the fact that I don't want to go back instead of enjoying my time off! I must adjust that attitude!
(but I truly don't know what I am going to do if I do have to go back....sigh.....)
Snap out of it I tell myself, God has a plan...my daughter wants to move out of the state and it is very tempting, very very tempting! It just scares me - the thought of packing up everything, and moving where I don't know anyone. God would have to open the doors wide open there to get me to move. I am a bit of a fraidy cat I suppose.
At the same time I have websites coming at me that I must turn down, now what is up with that? I try to be self employed and can't find work. I get a full time job and the work just pours in! I don't get it! grrrrrrr...........