Right now that is how I feel. I write this thinking no one reads it, so this is not a blog that is supposed to make you feel good. Get over it! I have other blogs for that.
My youngest son...let's start there. He was supposed to compete in the 4-H fair this Saturday. We have sacrificed how many Monday nights, money and time to prepare for this big event, and then he tells me he is going to go to his dad's family reunion instead...and of course his dad being the SOB that he is doesn't make my youngest son stick with his commitments...no that would constitute being a good father, which he isn't. What the hell did I sacrifice all those Mondays for? Oh sure let's put on the positive face...he learned to bond with his dog, he had fun, he met some new people...blah, blah, blah....they also said that he was most likely to win the prize. Hurt and disappointment is what I feel. I just want to be proud of one of my chidren at least, none of my kids do anything extraordinary. They are lucky to get passing grades (except my youngest) And then because I am mad at him that he won't go, he has decided that he is going to stay with his dad from this point on and never talk to me again....yes that is right. Straight from his last text message, and with the influence of his dad this is probably the truth. So I "feel" in essence like someone has ripped my heart out. Rejection reigns supreme.
Then I was supposed to go to the zoo with my oldest son and his friend today. He backed out, first it was because his friend couldn't go and he didn't want to go without her, then he came up with he had to work. All excuses....rejection reigns supreme.
Then my youngest son took the keys to his tractor with him out to his dad's, so i can't mow with the riding tractor. I must unbury the push mower and mow with it. SHIT...I hate push mowing, not to mention all the work I am going to have to do just to get it out, and pray to God that it starts after not being used for two years. The lawn is way past needing mowed. We will be fined if it is not mowed quickly.
So then I resolve myself to the fact that this will need to be done, and it dawns on me, my youngest son has also kept the keys to the padlock on the gate into the backyard. So even if I get the mower out I can't mow the backyard. I am so damn angry at life right now everything seems so overwhelming.
Between the rejection from my sons, and the constant rejection from my rebellious daughter I just don't even want to make an attempt at Life anymore. I want to go curl up in a ball somewhere and wait until this shit that is my life is over.
I can't fight back because like it or not I still have the commitment to my kids that I can't get away from. People tell me I am a good parent and yet I am treated like I am the problem. I have a commitment to family. If I weren't a responsible person, I would pack up my car with some of my books, my computer and files, my camera equipment, and be out of here....I would go anywhere a long way from here. But alas I am a chicken shit and I am stuck in this place called 'my life'....
I have had two weeks off from work, and still can't find another job, I hate my boss's leadership style (fear based management) which in turn makes me hate my job. I sit in my car and hang my head and just come near tears at the thought of even making the walk in. I give up, there must not be a god in heaven if I beg him to help me find a new job, I take all the steps and still end up in that shit hole with the abusive boss. I have even applied for jobs all over the country!
I am just so angry inside! I feel like it might burst. I hope I die sooner than later, and I refuse suicide, I mean think about it...it is proven there is life after death and that your soul is who you are, your personality with all of it's flaws and good points is what will survive, so all of this anger, and rejection, and frustration will go with me and I won't change at all, and I would still be stuck with all of this garbage in the afterlife as well as now, so committing suicide wouldn't even get me away from all of this shit. Maybe if you believe in reincarnation and being stuck to family groups and all of that, my kids were hurt by me in a past life and now they are paying me back....geez! How ridiculous is that idea?
I would like to take all the glass rootbeer bottles my son left behind and smash the smithereens out out of them...that would make me feel much better.
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