If Santa could get a letter from me.....

If it was possible for Santa to get a letter from me here is what I would write...

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is for my 16 year old daughter to regain her innocence and to be safe from these men who are trying to get her into prostitution and protected. I want her to be tucked safe and sound into a facility for troubled kids before Christmas so that she could experience what Christmas is really all about, even if it is not with her family. I would like for her to be part of our family again. I would wish that we could be best friends again.
And Santa, I would like help finding another job, preferably near where ever my daughter goes or better yet a job I could do from home with a paycheck I could count on. You see I lost my job at General Motors because of budget cutbacks and as a single mom with no other income coming in I am really worried about how I am going to make ends meet. It doesn't have to be a job that is makes me extremely wealthy I have only ever known struggling to make ends meet, just a job that pays the bills would be great.
I am sorry Santa that I am not putting up a tree this year or decorating. My heart just isn't in it this year with my daughter being gone from home and my two boys living with their dad this year.
Do Christmas miracles still really happen Santa? I have always believed in the majic of Christmas but this year the majic seems to have waned and I want to believe so badly that miracles do still happen because I feel like I really need a miracle this Christmas.

Sincerely,
Lisa Schwaberow

Job application

I have applied for a Social Media Manager position with the company I currently work for. I am so excited about this position! From the job description it seems as if the majority of the work would be all about blogging, facebooking, myspacing, twittering and more! I think that would be a dream job to have to do those things all day long for your company. The company I work for would be easy to get behind I have used their products for years and love them. I love blogging, and I have even been reading books on how to make money blogging. I have been perusing boards that need bloggers thinking that I would like to get serious about this, but to be able to blog full time for a job would be like a dream come true.

My sister said that they are going to look at the fact that I am not a young kid but if they would take the time to get to know me they would see that I am a kid at heart and all of these social networking sites are a fascination of mine. Heck I introduced MySpace to my teen age kids! Of course in Olivia's case I wish I wouldn't have..anyway hindsight ey? I skype, I IM, I text, I chat, I post on forums, I LOVE to write, everything the job posting wanted for this position, I get really excited when I think about using this medium to promote product, I just can't believe that a company would be willing to pay a person for that, especially for a product that is so reputable. I suppose it is those years of retail sales that make that an easy concept. Everyone has always said that I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos, maybe this is a way to use those skills with my love of the internet. Maybe I don't understand the job fully but I am hoping to have the chance to learn more about it. I have applied for dozens of jobs but none of them have excited me as much as this one. I will let you know if anything comes of this.

Thanksiving

Another Thanksgiving in the past. There is so much to be thankful for but this year has been harder. This was the first Thanksgiving without my sister Linda being here. Her passing was in everyone's mind but we didn't talk about it much. Oh sure there were little comments here and there....Mom, made her special cutout cookies and Linda used to always complain that there wasn't enough icing, someone commented on that. She was on all of our hearts. Alex too was with a family that we didn't know for Thanksgiving, a surrogate family out near the marine base. This was his first year away from us since joining the Marines. Then Olivia, and her problems, we haven't seen or talked to Olivia in over 2 weeks. Olivia as well was in all of our minds but no one wanted to talk about it - least of all me.

But even with all of that there was so much to be thankful for - family, love, support. I am thankful that Olivia is safe and protected. I am thankful that Linda doesn't have to suffer in that body in anymore and I am thankful that Alex has found purpose in his life.

I am thankful for having talents and skills that will help me find a new job somewhere! I am thankful for having the peace of knowing that everything will work out for the best.

I believe too, that Thankfulness is all about attitude, a sort of PollyAnna effect on the situations in life. Look for the good, the "glad" passages, of every situation.
For instance my job situation, now is the perfect time to be free to go any where in the country if I find a job in another state. I have always wanted to go and everything is in place to make that easily attainable.

If the holidays cause you to be depressed - take stock of your attitude - one small shift in your attitude might make all the difference in your world.

Amazing! I am being watched over...

Yesterday, I woke up thinking, my alarm should be going off soon, I wonder what time it is? I looked at my phone and lo and behold it was 6 am, my alarm is set to go off at 5:30 am! I turned the volume knob and no sound, I turned my radio off and then back on and it the sound was fine. Well I rushed around did all of the things I needed to do and headed out the door. I realized on my way to work I forgot my scarf, not a big deal really but I hate being cold and a scarf helps that immensely! Then I get over to the expressway and the police have it shut down, grumble, grumble, grumble, this made me 30 minutes late for work. But changing directions I remember reading in a book one time that if things aren’t going as they should keep your eyes and mind open because something is going to happen that is supernatural or a misfortune of some type is lurking about. I pondered that and then turned the radio on to hear if the traffic report had any reason for the expressway to be blocked off. Well……they had shut down the expressway because there was a 30 car pile up that I would have been involved in had I been on time, I pass through there every day at about the same time and it was during that time that the accident happened. Now you skeptics out there can say, “oh, it was just coincidence…” and I might agree, but can you explain why my alarm went off just fine this morning with no problems? Hmmmm, sounds like much more than just coincidence to me! Any thoughts?

Sigh....my heart is heavy

My heart is heavy....my daughter is a willing victim. She has these evil men, guys in their early to mid 20's pursuing her. She is only 16 years old. They are african american men. She says I am racist, I tell her that if these guys were white I would be reacting the same way, it is not a matter of race but a matter of morals. These guys have gotten her in real trouble on more than one occassion. I see signs of gang activity, I see poor attitudes, and a hate for me that is un-nerving.
She has brought so much trouble into our lives and she views it as all my fault. As a parent I probably have brought it on because I am not willing to let her continue on the destructive path that she is on, but ultimately it is her actions that is bringing this all upon herself. How do you get a child with such poor self esteem to see that these guys don't care about her and that they are using her?
The hardest part is not throwing your hands up in the air and saying I quit. For how much anger, arguing, and hatred can a person put up with. But then I look at this young lady and I remember the little girl, that laughed and giggled and was so tender and caring to her family and it is for that little person that I throw on my uniform of war and put on my tough mental attitude to go to war for. I know she has to be in this tough shell of turmoil, she must be in there somewhere.
I just re-enrolled her into the local high school instead of the online high school.
She has a court hearing this week. Most likely they are going to send her to the youth detention center for a week. This breaks my heart. She has an enthusiasm for school right at the moment. She is talking about joining the chess club, and track in the spring. I am excited these are positive changes, but will the week in the detention center hurt her or will they just reinforce the positive changes she is trying to make? I am so afraid she will quit, give up and that this will just make things worse. But then again maybe, just maybe they will reinforce the fact that she needs to take stock in her life. Because ultimately no matter what I do or say or what the courts do or say it comes down to one thing - SHE must decide to make the changes in her life. NO ONE can do that for her.
I feel so alone....I am not a bad parent, my other children are fine. But this is a lonely road it seems. I can't find any support groups of parents with wayward children, to get advice and help from. I guess this is something that must be swept into a closet and endured on your own.
So for now I pray, thank God for those times when He lets me know that my daughter is up to no good (supernaturally there has been MANY times) and trust that I am being guided by a power that is much more wise than I am.

New Buzz Word

I just heard a new buzz word Obamanomics....I don't know why but that just tickles my funny bone!

My Birthday Today!

Today is my 48th birthday! I don't feel 48 years old. I feel like I am still in my 20's....where does time go?
I had to work today and that means that I spent most of my day alone, in "the cave" my office as I have come to call it. It is painted black and is very dark, and NO ONE ever comes in my office....it is very lonely. But today I was busy and didn't take notice of it so much today.
I came home and my mom had fixed a great meal of roast, potatoes and cooked carrots! Yum! My favorite meal and then topped off with a sugar cream pie. My boys came in from their dad's house and my oldest son brought his friend - who is a girl - I dearly love her but they are just friends...maybe someday it will be more.
Over all is has been a okay day, but I am extremely tired and want to go to bed! I guess I really am getting old when I want to go to bed at 7:30 at night.
I blew out the candle on my cake and wished for a new job! Here is hoping that those birthday wishes really do come true.
Tomorrow would have been my 25th wedding anniversary had we stayed married. As it is we only made it to 18. I can't help but wonder what life would have been had we stayed married....I think I am better off. I just wonder how the kids might have been different - mostly my daughter - had we still been married....would she have avoided the pitfalls of her anger and rebellion? One has to wonder. Life really is all about choices.
Well enough for today, I will try to post more later this week. I have had the worst time with my daughter lately. I will share the story here later....a short preview would be - don't ever get homemade tatoos!

Conclusion

I have come to a conclusion....more on that in a minute, but first, I was reading my last post on negativity. I didn't say anything and it has died down now, the negativity that is. So I have made a commitment to myself, when someone posts something on the boards instead of jumping in and adding my opinion if it is something negative I am just going to sit back and not post anything. If we would all do that then it would die down really quickly. And...I have been posting positive things to help, but for the most part it has been very positive this week. I really do like these people on this forum, they are so fun and loving for the most part, and there are always a few good laughs!

Music Video

Created this for a school project and thought I would share.

negativity

I have a forum that I am very involved in. It is a board that is supposed to be full of people of higher spirituality. But lately all the posts seem to be negative, I have started two posts saying "I am tired of the negative posts I am trying to be positive and it has changed my life!" but it seems wrong to post something negative about people posting negative things! ah well.....

my thoughts for today on a day when I am really really tired.....

There is justice!

There really is justice in this world without me having to do a thing!
If you have been following my huge disappointment about having the sticker win taken away because of politics then you will understand this.
I found out this week, that someone went out in the parking lot during lunch and there was the good ole union brother, winner of the sticker contest sitting in his.....(drumroll please).....HONDA! And not in the foreign car lot either.....there will be serious repercussions for him on that one...teee heee! There is justice in this world there really is!
I love it!
I have let it go and good things are coming my way anyway.

Huge Disappointment

Well this is how a plant with union, and Management works.....You see I designed the door sticker and won hands down by anonymous voting....but when the union guy found out that I had won all of a sudden there was an issue with the prize being not made in America and so they couldn't give it out...then....they bought an American Made prize to give out, and then from there it went to she is not union or management (I am contracted within the plant from another company) she can't win. So they decided I couldn't win....you should see the second place contest winner. Sigh....So the Quality Council is going to give the award to the second place winner which doesn't even come near my design in quality, or design. So you see it is really not about quality but about politics. This is the worst part about this job. It would be a great place to work if you could change the manangement versus the union mentalities. It is so very disappointing and worse of all I feel like I have to act like it doesn't really matter, and that I don't care, when really I am very very hurt. Why can't my design work ever get out of the ordinary stage? I finally felt like maybe this was a step to being recognized as a real designer and not just a creative person with design skills.
I am very very hurt....

WHoooo Hooooo!

I am so over the top with excitement at the moment! The GM plant had a contest for a new sticker that would be put on the side of the door of every vehicle leaving the plant. I submitted my idea - and I won! Never mind that I won a fantastic wall clock that chimes, that to me is the least of the reward. The greatest reward is knowing that every truck built by GM at this plant will have my design on it! WOW! This is mind-blowing to me! I asked if I could put the first sticker on when they finally use them. My design will be seen by millions of people (let’s hope anyway with GM struggling so! Ha ha!) that buy the Silverado or Sierra trucks! What a rush! I am so excited!

What a week!

What a week I have had! On Tuesday I received a congratulatory email stating that I had won an award with the work I had sent to an Art Show in Plano, Texas. I was SOOOOOO excited! But the awards were present on Thursday to an event that I could not travel too. But they had a webcast of it you could listen to with synced slides.
The wait for Thursday afternoon to come was almost unbearable!
Finally Thursday arrived and I signed in to the web cast. Well to make a long story short, my digital illustration Chocolate won First Place in the category of computer art, and my kaleidoscope with my giraffes won honorable mention in enhanced photography! Since my pieces won awards they will now be shipped to Dallas Texas where they will be displayed in the North Park Gallery to be seen by an estimated 2 million people! What an honor! Now the question most people ask is "how much money did you win?" I didn't win any monies, I just did it for the recognition. What an ego boost that was!

Happy!

My boss and her counterpart are on vacation this week. I should be upset because he have a very important person from detroit coming to down and a visiting foreign dignatary, and it is chaotic as every one gets ready for these two important events. But truthfully I am happy. The stress is low because I don't have the drama queen there to magnify everything, and my boss and her counterpart hate each other and are constantly setting each other up and I get caught in the middle!
Guess what? With neither of them there it is a happy wonderful plae to work! I am actually happy and I feel good at work!

I found an article in one of my magazines about working for a narcisstic boss...wow! That fit my boss to a tee!

Here are the symptoms:
Some of the characteristics that identify narcissists:

They are successful and goal-oriented but show no empathy or concern for others.

They are charismatic, well spoken and funny.

They disrespect boundaries and others' privacy.

They patronize and criticize others.

They can be cruel and abusive toward peers, but charming in front of their managers.

They expect special treatment and privileges.

They are manipulative and pit co-workers against one another.

They abhor criticism or disagreement.

They are anxious or paranoid, reacting with rage when they can't control a situation or their behaviors are exposed.

I have been coming home from work at night feeling like I have been in a war zone, and in the mornings, I sit in the car and have to work up my nerve to go into work. I have been had more illness this past year than I have had in the last 6 years.
This week I feel like a new person....too bad it won't last. If she went I think it would be a great job, but since it is not likely she will leave, I feel I must find a new job. I haven't been having much luck in Fort Wayne.....sigh....
Now I must just learn how to deal with a person like this. I see after I googled it there are hundreds of websites suggesting how to deal with a person like this. The article says that they need psychiological counseling! I believe it! Here is a link to the article.
I caught her in a lie a couple of weeks ago, by telling someone something she had said to me. Well the shit hit the fan and she said that she told me that in confidence and I threw her under the bus, and man when she was done with me I was a pile of nothing. She made the comment that now they were going to invesigate and see where that rumor started. Well she started it! I thought that was an interesting comment....anyway I am on a tangent. Just suffice it to say that I am very happy in my job this week. I wish it could last, and I try not to think about her coming back and it all being over next week!

Humor...

We all need humor in our lives and the more of it we can find the happier we will be!
That is my thought for today!

surgery

I have been battling with a kidney stone for 2 months, and had surgery today to take it out. I feel SOOOO much better. Maybe the anthesia hasn't worn completely off but it seems to be so much better!

It was unusual, when they registered me before the surgery, and then they told me that they surgery was costing 11,800 dollars. they were discounting it to 8900 dollars and my part not covered by insurance was 1600 dollars - did I want to pay now! Wow! I had to pay a $50 copay, and then arrange payments! I have never had the hospital do that before!

I am glad it is over and I feel so much better pain free!

Happy Birthday Linda

Yesterday was my sister Linda's birthday, as many of you know she passed away on Good Friday of this year. This is her first birthday without her here. We (my family and her close friends) all went out for dinner last night, it was a nice evening and bittersweet. I was really aware of the fact that this whole group were friends and had been for many years, but that we all met through Linda, she was the common link. Without her we may never have met each other. My mom and sister and I all had her Jewelry on that we inherited, there isn't a day go by that we each have something of Linda's on. I hope Linda knows we celebrated with her.
It was a tough day. I still miss her so much and still can't believe she isn't here on earth with us, but I do feel she is with us in spirit and somehow that makes it easier.

Attitude

I keep telling myself it is a matter of attitude. I have to be thankful that I even have a job right now. It may get worse, or....I could get my dream job.
But I keep telling myself I have a job. Of course it has helped that my boss this week as been fairly sedate and we didn't have any drama! Maybe I am learning to keep my mouth shut better, or maybe she is relaxing. Her kitchen has been in the process of being remodeled and it has been finished this week, so maybe that is why we are having a good week, maybe the plant manager is not riding her so hard this week, who knows. I just know I have had a fairly good week at work.
I am extremely grateful for that since I found out I am trying to pass a kidney stone this week as well. If it doesn't pass by next week....well let's let tomorrow worry about itself! Thankfully I have no constant pain, only the pain when I....well you can fill in the blank there...ha ha! TMI!
So is it attitude or is it my boss, time will tell I suppose I am pretty sure it is my boss. I tend to be pretty upbeat when I am not at work.

times gone by...

I look at this abandoned wagon on a property in the country and wonder....what stories does it have to tell. Stories of a simpler life, a slower pace, and a focus on the things most important - PEOPLE.

It's Saturday

Well here it is Saturday and the first day of our fair. Lots to do. I went out with a couple of friends last night and relaxed, listened to their problems and ignored my own, it was bliss! I really had a nice time.

But always in the back of my head is the fact that I have to return to work on Monday, oh God - WHY??? Please let there be a miracle of some kind and keep me from having to go back to work there. Miracles can happen right? I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it.

Today there is Art in the downtown park...I love going and getting new inspiration! Of course we just had a huge down pour of rain. Hopefully that was it for the day. I can't wait! I am so looking forward to it!

I am learning to take one day at a time.

One more day....

One more day, I pull myself out of bed and live the American Dream....ha ha ha ha! I read the book rich dad, poor dad, and realize that the american dream of working hard, getting a good paycheck, saving up a little for retirement is a waste of time. The rich didn't get rich by working hard for a paycheck, that just covered their expenses. They got rich because they took chances, they stepped out of their safe little box and on faith they leaped and landed on their feet.

I hate this life. I hate the fact that I can't trust my kids because of what their father has taught them. He has taught them disrespect towards me, towards committments, and he has taught them to be bigots, racists and angry.

Anger can be a good thing, it can force change and I am not going to sit here and wallow in this anger. Things are going to change. I don't care if I have to take a huge cut in pay to get out of this job.

I want to make a difference in this world instead of just working for the paycheck to cover the bills. I don't need things to be happy, they really only make you more miserable because you have to clean around all of those "things" and store them and they cause stress.

I would be happier working in a small town with enough money to pay the expenses if it meant doing something I love versus working at a big company and meeting the expenses in a job I hate. Money helps aid in getting to happiness, but true happiness is being surrounded by the love of those who care about you and who you care about, and making a positive difference in this world.

So how will I find this utopia?

Life just plain ole sucks....

Right now that is how I feel. I write this thinking no one reads it, so this is not a blog that is supposed to make you feel good. Get over it! I have other blogs for that.
My youngest son...let's start there. He was supposed to compete in the 4-H fair this Saturday. We have sacrificed how many Monday nights, money and time to prepare for this big event, and then he tells me he is going to go to his dad's family reunion instead...and of course his dad being the SOB that he is doesn't make my youngest son stick with his commitments...no that would constitute being a good father, which he isn't. What the hell did I sacrifice all those Mondays for? Oh sure let's put on the positive face...he learned to bond with his dog, he had fun, he met some new people...blah, blah, blah....they also said that he was most likely to win the prize. Hurt and disappointment is what I feel. I just want to be proud of one of my chidren at least, none of my kids do anything extraordinary. They are lucky to get passing grades (except my youngest) And then because I am mad at him that he won't go, he has decided that he is going to stay with his dad from this point on and never talk to me again....yes that is right. Straight from his last text message, and with the influence of his dad this is probably the truth. So I "feel" in essence like someone has ripped my heart out. Rejection reigns supreme.

Then I was supposed to go to the zoo with my oldest son and his friend today. He backed out, first it was because his friend couldn't go and he didn't want to go without her, then he came up with he had to work. All excuses....rejection reigns supreme.

Then my youngest son took the keys to his tractor with him out to his dad's, so i can't mow with the riding tractor. I must unbury the push mower and mow with it. SHIT...I hate push mowing, not to mention all the work I am going to have to do just to get it out, and pray to God that it starts after not being used for two years. The lawn is way past needing mowed. We will be fined if it is not mowed quickly.
So then I resolve myself to the fact that this will need to be done, and it dawns on me, my youngest son has also kept the keys to the padlock on the gate into the backyard. So even if I get the mower out I can't mow the backyard. I am so damn angry at life right now everything seems so overwhelming.

Between the rejection from my sons, and the constant rejection from my rebellious daughter I just don't even want to make an attempt at Life anymore. I want to go curl up in a ball somewhere and wait until this shit that is my life is over.
I can't fight back because like it or not I still have the commitment to my kids that I can't get away from. People tell me I am a good parent and yet I am treated like I am the problem. I have a commitment to family. If I weren't a responsible person, I would pack up my car with some of my books, my computer and files, my camera equipment, and be out of here....I would go anywhere a long way from here. But alas I am a chicken shit and I am stuck in this place called 'my life'....

I have had two weeks off from work, and still can't find another job, I hate my boss's leadership style (fear based management) which in turn makes me hate my job. I sit in my car and hang my head and just come near tears at the thought of even making the walk in. I give up, there must not be a god in heaven if I beg him to help me find a new job, I take all the steps and still end up in that shit hole with the abusive boss. I have even applied for jobs all over the country!

I am just so angry inside! I feel like it might burst. I hope I die sooner than later, and I refuse suicide, I mean think about it...it is proven there is life after death and that your soul is who you are, your personality with all of it's flaws and good points is what will survive, so all of this anger, and rejection, and frustration will go with me and I won't change at all, and I would still be stuck with all of this garbage in the afterlife as well as now, so committing suicide wouldn't even get me away from all of this shit. Maybe if you believe in reincarnation and being stuck to family groups and all of that, my kids were hurt by me in a past life and now they are paying me back....geez! How ridiculous is that idea?
I would like to take all the glass rootbeer bottles my son left behind and smash the smithereens out out of them...that would make me feel much better.

Wow! So much negativity! What is up with that?

I was reading over my blog and it is full of negativity. UCK! I hate people like that, how did I become one?
Well it all goes back to attitudes! From this moment on positives! Like when you write those awful christmas letters, give glowing reports and making everything sound like a positive!
I can do that too!
First off I bought a book yesterday on how to make money blogging. Sounds great! I am going to give it a whirl...want to donate...ha ha!
Olivia and I had a good day yesterday. We went out to the mall, Grandma and her went shopping and I parked my self in heaven at the book store! It was great! And just as I got checked out and was going to head out and find the two of them they showed up at the book store, what perfect timing!
It was a beautiful day yesterday, sunny, not too hot and just perfect!
Today we will go to my parents house and eat Sunday Lunch, with some family.
Life is good.....attitudes!

attitudes

I have been thinking of my attitudes lately. I have two glorious weeks off from work. I hate my job, I want to cry every time I walk in the door. The politics kill me. My boss loves fear based management, and she loads it on thick, telling me that people think I am incompetent and so on. And based on a couple of things lately, I don't think this is true at all but she just tells me that. I caught her in a lie last week and paid dearly for that. She tells me constantly to be looking for another job, and then when I have brought this up she tells me that she has only told me this a couple of times! When in reality I hear it once a week at least, but I am not going to argue with my boss so I let it go.
Anyway back to the attitudes. I don't want to go back after this two weeks off, I have tried and tried to find another job, but with no luck. I keep thinking every day, I don't want to go back...well I am practically ruining by time off by thinking of the fact that I don't want to go back instead of enjoying my time off! I must adjust that attitude!
(but I truly don't know what I am going to do if I do have to go back....sigh.....)
Snap out of it I tell myself, God has a plan...my daughter wants to move out of the state and it is very tempting, very very tempting! It just scares me - the thought of packing up everything, and moving where I don't know anyone. God would have to open the doors wide open there to get me to move. I am a bit of a fraidy cat I suppose.
At the same time I have websites coming at me that I must turn down, now what is up with that? I try to be self employed and can't find work. I get a full time job and the work just pours in! I don't get it! grrrrrrr...........

Sunday Evening

It is Sunday Evening.....tomorrow is Monday morning and back to work...I like my job for the fact that I have enough money to pay the bills, buy things, and live comfortably....but the truth is I hate my job, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, and I dislike some of the people. There are a few people there that are gems, hidden in the anger, the deceit, the game playing and back stabbing. There are several people there who are photographers, one man I have never met but been to his website, his bird photos are amazing! Check it out...Bird Photography, but I just cringe at the thought of going back to the drama at this point. And it is just that...DRAMA...with my supervisor her Union Counterpart and the fact that they dislike each other very much and they pull people in to take sides with each other. It gets really old. I don' know who to trust if anyone, and I want to do web design! Period end. I sit in my car some mornings and think I just can't do this today, I sit there gripping the steering wheel hoping beyond hope that something will happen that they must send us all home, that I will have some emergency that requires my attention away from work...anything...ANYTHING....then I take a deep breath and talk myself in to going into work, praying for strength and wisdom to get through just one more day, hoping that this is the week that I find a different position that will free me of this bondage. I will not quit and be without a job, I won't put myself and the children back into that position in these economic times but I certainly wish I could. I have even considered moving far away to find something, ANYTHING...to get out of this job. SIGH......

well O.K. then....

Well my last post wasn't really finished. I left in a rush. My father in law died on Mother's Day. He was really my ex-father-in-law but I knew him LONG before I ever met my ex-husband. I knew my ex-husbands mom and step father from Church, they are (were?) friends of my mom and dad's. He used to call every night and say, "hi, this is Dad, just calling to say that I love you." I do miss him. But he is probably having the time of his life up in heaven!

Too much death in too short a time. My sister died on Good Friday, My father in law on Mother's Day, we were just holding our breath through Father's day but we made it! Thank you God!

Let's see what else is going on....my youngest son will go live with his Dad the second half of the summer and then stay there and live with him. I will only get to see him every other weekend. My heart is breaking with this and I don't care to discuss it beyond that.

My daughter is having a difficult time in her teenage years and we have some very serious issues to deal with. Again I don't want to discuss it beyond that but if you are a person who prays please throw prayers up for my daughter. God knows her name and the needs there.

My artwork is falling by the wayside somewhat. My job is so emotionally draining that when I come home I don't have the energy for anything past that. I crash plain and simple. If I were alone, I would probably come home and go right to bed, it is that bad. I hate my job, but, the bright side is, I have a good paycheck, and the bills are getting paid.

I would like to go hibernate for about 3 weeks on a beautiful island with nothing but my books and some art supplies, such as my sketch book, watercolors and computer with no internet just my illustration software. Ah..that would be heaven.

My oldest son turned 18 yesterday. It is hard to believe I have an 18 year old but I do and he is a nice young man, and very talented. He drew the irish family crest for my dad for a father's day gift. I am so proud of him!

Well that is all for now. I am going to go learn how to blog from my cell phone so I can post more often!

Up to date

I haven't blogged for a while and I miss it. It has been a very hectic past few months. My classes were consuming, I had the flu that took me down for a whole week, and when my sister died it put me in a tailspin. She had no husband, and no children, so the work of taking care of her belongings fell to my sister, brother, and I.......oh God I just got a phone call that my father in law had an anuerysm and they are going to "pull the plug" oh God.....

In Memory of My Sister Linda

Today I had to make funeral arrangements for my Sister Linda. My mom, my dad, my other sister and I had to sit in the funeral home and figure out which casket to get, which options to forgoe and which to take. My brother mark just couldn't do it.

My sister passed away quite unexpectedly yesterday. We thought she had the flu and we guess with the diabetes that it was too much for her body to handle. We found her passed out on the floor unconcious and she was barely breathing. The paramedics worked for an hour before taking her to the hospital.

I just can't believe my sister is gone. There is a hole deep in my sole, and empty spot that just can't be there. She was the one that I called and talked to when I had bought something totally frivolous and wanted to share it with someone. She never judged me and told me that on my budget I should never have spent the money. Instead she would laugh with me and tell me the lastest, coolest thing she had gotten. Linda always could make you laugh, she was so caring and loving. Around this time of year, we would always have a unspoken competition about who would find the first bag of Brachs White Malted Milk Balls. I would call her up and say, "guess what I bought today?" and she would say - "White Malted Milk Balls! I bought them two days ago!" she always beat me! And we both agreed that they had to be the white ones because the pastel ones just didn't taste the same!

Linda was the one who put the precious scrapbooks together for each of the nephews as they were graduating from high school. Someone has to do that now. It is a family tradition and no one could do it like Linda. She squeezed so much in to a 24 hour period that sometimes it amazed me. She seemed to be busy all the time. I remember sitting at our parents house cutting out shapes for her preschool class. She got the Golden Apple award just last month! A huge honor and the first preschool teacher to ever receive one!

Linda was my designer, I needed advice on how to organize my house and she came up with such great ideas! She had such an energy about her.

She used to call me up and ask her to help her with a computer problem and then would apologize because I had to come over and help her. I never told her how much I enjoyed those times. I told her how it was okay I didn't mind, but I never told her how much I enjoyed those hours sitting in her home office talking and sharing and discussing the things going on in our lives. I treasured those moments and I am not sure I ever told her. I thought there would be many, many, more.

We are never promised tomorrow, but when tomorrow doesn't come for a person who is young it is devastating. It feels like a dream.

Well she is probably no longer feeling crummy, or in pain from her fibermyalgia, and she is probably having a great time with grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could talk to her one last time. It had been a week and a half since I last called her.

I feel like the tears will never ever stop. It just doesn't seem right.

I miss you big sister, I really, really miss you.....

It's been awhile!

Let's see - where to begin.....the dog is settling in nice and doing very well. He is a houdini, having gotten off the leash and run away 3 times and slipped out the door 2. The last time I threw up my hands and said said, "oh well...." and let him run. A neighbor caught him and brought him back, he is on major lock down now. The new fence should be up in the next two weeks, then he will be able to run.

Work - hate my job, I stick it out because it is a pay check. There is very little creativity and it is killing me. I think my supervisor knows that too, but the funny thing is she takes away more and more of the creative projects all the time. And she is soooooo moody - bipolar I think - happy one day, angry, brooding and snappy the next. I wish I could find another job, but I can't seem to find one so I guess I am supposed to stay there. GRRRRRRRR I am talented, gifted and a great designer, is it my age that makes it hard to find a job? I would think companies would want experienced designers instead of young people who get the experience and move up and out!

Motherhood - I am finding it very challenging being the mother of a teen age girl. Enough said.....

Artist - I entered a show out in San Diego a really big deal, I should find out next week if I was accepted. Considering the last show had over 3900 entries and only 200 were accepted.......it will be a huge honor if I do get accepted! I haven't done too much with my art, by the time I get home from work and I am too stressed I don't feel like creating art. I am taking a drawing class on Saturday's and I love that but again that is the only time I am creating.....sigh...big sigh.......

My webdesign business is picking up that is a good thing.

New Dog

I finally did it! I found a Norweigen Elkhound that I liked, that was close by, and for the right price! I have been looking for 3 years but the time wasn't right until now! I am so excited. He is such a good dog, he is 5 years old and very well behaved. His official name is Sir Rudolph but we call him Buddy. The only annoying thing is that he wines a lot for no apparent reason, but I am hoping that will dissapate with time as he learns to communicate with us and relaxes.

He has taken to my 13 year old son which just thrills me! My son and him are enrolled in dog obiedience classes and my son wants to be in 4-H with the dog! I am so tickled! My son has never shown much interest in participating in anything and this is just what I have been looking for. The dog is a quick learner and my son is doing such a good job with him. After just one lesson the dog is heeling, sitting, and staying!

Isn't he beautiful?