hmmm

Here I sit in class bored witless, because the class is so...
well the prof just came back in. Back to pretend listening.

Sigh...

I am in quite the quandry. I love the young adults group at church. After all I go to college too, and I am only 18 in my heart. But I am not 20-30 years old. And I so love socializing with the young adults but really I don't fit. I feel awkward like I shouldn't be there but I want to be there. I don't socialize with people my own age. I really have very little in common with them. Their lives are all tied up in their husband or wife and kids, or work. Mine is tied up in my schooling, kids, and work and I just don't have a lot to talk about to most people, many people my age are so shallow, they have forgotten what it is like to be diversified and have many interests, and the young adults are so vibrant, and full of life and so interested in many things. They have not become narrowed minded as so many older people are. Well...I had better stop before I say something I shouldn't.
Love you young adults!

Open Mind

An update from last post. While I am still frustrated that I am not learning any animating in the animation class, I am thrilled to be learning a new way of doing things. From what we learned in class Wed. night, I put together a tutorial for those wanting to help me with the young adults web site! Whooo hooooo! Now I just need to get the software installed up there in the control room. But I have a video step-by-step tutorial for everyone to follow to learn the software.

Parents
I had this over whelming feeling to visit my parents last night. It has been a while since I have visited with them and they are 85 and 89 you never know when it will be the last time to visit them. So I had a nice visit with them last night.

Eating Crow

Well I have to say, I am going to have to "eat crow".....last night in class they showed us a bunch of stuff with acrobat, word, powerpoint and producer. It was just way too cool! I can see some really neat possibilites with this software, not so much in "the field" but in other ways. For instance, I am wanting to teach some others at church how to update the web site, and getting us all together might be a challenge, but with the particular software I can create a video tutorial that I can put up on the web and they can learn at their leisure and watch it over and over! Or if I have someone that is having computer problems or needs to know how to do something I can quickly go through the steps while it captures my screen movements and then email it to them and they can see it being done! Way too cool!

Oh and by the way, any one from church who is reading this and cares? God quite uniquely supplied the software that we need for you to work on the web site! God is so good!

And I am not taking the cleansing streams class after all so I will be back for Sunday School! Whoo hooo! I think God knew deep down I needed to be connected to you guys right now.

Change

I have realized that I don't like change. I went to class last night knowing exactly in my mind what I was going to gain and learn from this class. I have had this professor quite a few times and he typically lets you work on your own, learning what you can. But this time he has decided to be structured and I don't like it! Aside from the fact that he is using software that the industry (given the fact I am working in it) would laugh in our faces if we told them we were learning it! If I went to a company and said, gee we learned how to utilize Microsoft Producer and PowerPoint, they would just laugh at you! This is not one of the industry big boys and it is frustrating to me that he is going to MAKE us create a tutorial for the school database using this software. We have to use PowerPoint.....I am going to college to learn how to use PowerPoint? Which I have already mastered by the way - I am not saying you can't learn more about a program you can always learn more but.....geez....I would be wasting my time, creating something for the school as opposed to learning something. I am so very frustrated at this.

Another picture

Okay I am a nerd officially! I went and checked the code on a friends blog to see how she did it and then checked the help menu. I was making it much harder than it had to be. - do I do that in life too? hmmm something to ponder. Anyway here is a picture that I illustrated in Photoshop. Just playing around but it was quite fun to do. I would like to do more of these types of illustrations on the computer. It is quite relaxing. I enjoy the look of it too. I really must make more time for my artwork but when you do art work for a living, trying to do artwork for the fun of it is quite challenging. I bought a new book on some really fun photoshop techniques and I can see some really neat illustrations that I could do. This world would really be interesting if all the ideas I ever had for an illustration could be manufactored by my hands. But sadly I am not independently wealthy enough yet to have nothing to do but create works of art. So I must pour my creative self into my work. And it is a rare thing indeed to be able to love your work enough that you are actually happy working. But I am. I find myself, taking all of the creativity that seems to ooze from my very being and putting it into other people's needs. And it is fun to see someone so excited about your artwork because of what it can do for them. To see someone's face light up because of a logo - a branding - of their group or organization that will represent them is a great satisfaction. To see someone smile because they liked a tshirt you designed for them to pass out and wear and be proud of is another great satisfaction.

Picture...

I found myself being quite envious (because jealousy is not a good thing) of friends having pictures on their blog and I did not. I just wanted to see how the Picasa software worked and having hundreds of picture files to dig through I took the first thing that happened across my path that I thought would be halfway decent. So there you have it an attempt at putting a picture in! And it worked! Of course it did not work in the FireFox software but it worked in IE, so half right, but not anything that I can control. Of course I am going to have to examine this more closely because I can not really blog under it, I have to do a separate post to go with it. I must look at my friends blog more closely.

eye kaleidoscope 

More thoughts....

I got my school money yesterday and I have preceeded to spend it....not recklessly mind you. I got the garage door fixed, I had the exterminator come out and spray a yellow jacket nest. It was the same type that killed the local zoo director. A very agressive type, we had strick warning to stay out of that area until a day from now. He said it appearred to be a VERY LARGE nest, may 2ooo-5000 yellow jackets, but it was hard to tell as it was under the porch, he was just gaging it from how fast they where entering and exiting the nest.

My children were begging me to get the dishwasher sitting in a box out in the garage installed (what is wrong with that picture? )

I have paid some bills and have more to catch up on. But it is nerve wracking spending money when you have been so tight moneywise. I don't want to spend it! But it is a good feeling to get the bills caught up.

A bit of news....friends....yes they really are friends even if we don't hang out or socialize much, are having a baby, their first. They found out it is a boy. How exciting! But they think the baby has a certain type of hernia, and that it can be life threatening, but they can also do a very routine surgery on the baby to fix it, but it can cause problems in the lung development. The doctor said that sometimes the hernia can fix itself as well. So if you are reading this and you pray, would you please pray for my friends Brian and Trish? Thank you.

e-mails....

I remember when......(eeeeeewwwwww) one email address and you had really made it. Now....I have ------drum roll please----------19 different-all active-emails! It is crazy! I am being handed and email every time I turn around, from somewhere! I have my school email, I have my home email (and a couple of others to help me separate), I have my work emails, which totals 6, I have the email for the magazine I write for, I have a yahoo email, which I really should get rid of, I have 5 aol emails ---oh and if I add the kids accounts it is staggering! Thank goodness for outlook where I can bring several of emails into one place, and my ISP provider allows the same as outlook, several emails in one place. It is just crazy!

Other Topics
Back to work....my school money came and I promised the kids we could buy them new shoes and one new outfit, they are so excited. As a parent when you can't provide for your children it is very weighing on you. And then when you are able to buy them something that they need...yes for my children it really is a need...it is a good feeling.

I was so excited because by sister cleaned out her closet and gave me any of the outfits she was getting rid of, that I wanted. Now you have to understand 3 things: My sister will buy an outfit and wear it once, some items still have tags on, and she is a 3x I am an x-large....I have always been so excited when she cleaned out her closet because it meant new clothes for me! Never mind that they didn't fit the greatest, they were new! I haven't bought myself any new clothes in a very very long time. I was never ashamed of it until someone from church came up and offered me some clothes of theirs, saying they thought that they might fit me better. I have been very ashamed of my dress up clothing since then. I know shame is not a good thing....but......when I start getting money to come in from my business, I am going to put a small clothing budget in there for me, somewhere. It doesn't tackle my current situation, but.....oh, well....it will work out, and I will pray about it, I always have my casual clothes which are pretty good, and who needs so many dress up outfits anyway? I can be creative with my business outfits, a suit jacket can give a sweater top and pants a whole new look! (They will just think I love red and black! Power colors! ha ha!)

Zoo----
I am taking the kids to the zoo tomorrow. We received free passes to the zoo and the kids are so excited! My school money came and so we are going to splurge and do one of the rides, for 4 of us that will ad up quickly. Maybe even have lunch there, although it would probably be wiser to eat somewhere else. The kids have been talking all week about what they want to see at the zoo. Even my 15 year old! It is quite exciting, I love the zoo, and wish I had more time for it. I would love to have another year long zoo pass, maybe it would make a 2 hour trip more possible. --oh I must remember to charge the camera!

Mark my words.....
Someday I am going to be well off, I will not always be the single mom scrapping by. I will be the single mom, who is well off, mark my words on this.......not that money is driving me, it is not, but I am the child of a king, and I am going to live like it soon.....thank you God. My sister is well off, my brother.....whew, he is very well off, and my other sister, what she doesn't make in money, she makes in very very low rent and utilities in a good neighborhood, she has a good deal going. I will too---soon.

Thoughts

I have a woman I am just getting to know. I would really like to foster this friendship, I like her, and last night she told me how she had brothers that were murdered and she found yesterday, that is working with the sister of the man who killed her brothers. The man received the death penalty. And this friend of mines biggest concern is helping this other family heal through this, no anger, no unforgiveness - WOW! I am really amazed! I want to get to know someone like that. I am so impressed, this is someone who has found a deep connection to God, to be able to forgive that.

Blog, blog, blog.....

I was going to do some blogging this morning but I have so many things going through my head at the moment and I have a 7 a.m. meeting I must go to and don't feel like I have the time to get my thoughts out coherently enough. So I will wait until later......I just couldn't stand this blank box staring me in the face and closing it empty! Oh my! What a monster Tamara has created!

Good News!

Good news from the doctor! Olivia's glucose test was normal! But the doc did think she was having hypoglycemia, which she said is hard to test for. But she gave us dietary tips (don't eat anything out of a bag or box!) and said that should help. I feel much better.

Today Olivia picks up her football equipement. We had a momentary panic last night when we couldn't find her physical form. I looked through the stacks of paper at my elbow on my desk to no avail, I tore the car apart looking, no luck. What ever possessed Olivia to look in my file draw, I have no clue, but look she did and I am getting myself so organized that I didn't realize I had filed it away! Whew.....crisis over! I guess I didn't realize how organized I am becoming!

I have been so edgy and short with the kids lately, I will need to Journal some more and find out what this is all about. I don't like myself when I get that way.

Blogging...

Hmmm Blogging is addictive, I should have been working by now and I have been at this for an hour and half, trying to figure things out. I have to just accept things as they are, and let go....
Today, I take my daughter to the doctor to see the results of a glucose test. We have a lot of diabetes in our family and she has been experiencing a lot of shakiness, and if we have her eat protein the shakiness goes away, but this is happening every two hours or so. She is only 12 years old, I am praying that this is just that teenage hormonal shift that is throwing her body into turmoil. I am concerned....
This is the same child that is determined to play football with the guys on her junior high school team. She wants so badly to be a part of the school and on a team, but volleyball has cuts, basketball has cuts, and because she is large (but very agile and fast, she has danced since she was 3 yrs old) there is a bias there that she wouldn't be able to keep up or do the work. I am thinking that football might change their attitude, and make her known to the girls coaches. We shall see where this leads to.

Book?

I just found out that I can publish a book blog, I have been working on a book - Saved by an Email - I want to possibly blog this, I need to look into this more.

The beauty of NO BRAINER

I have decided that no brainer is the way to go. I was so mad today, I am trying to learn CSS. I cussed I yelled, the kids thought I had gone mad. I had! Why can't I learn this? I got a CSS book for dummies and in the reality of that book it is very simple. A very simple concept. But try using it in the real world of web design, mix in mountains more code and you have a situation that is enough to make a christian lose their christianity! I must repent and ask for forgiveness and then hardest of all forgive myself for my actions today.
And then I had this bright idea that I was going to publish MY blog to my website and customize it. Just like that. What was I thinking? Geez! After fiddling with that and trying to get it ftp'd to my server space and the server not having an answer as to why I couldn't log in, and going to the book store last night and browing the books...well you know the templates on here look very good. I think it is all about control I can't control the blogger template and it is driving me crazy. And CSS is all about control, making the web design bend to my will, not taking what I can achieve the simple way, because I want it to look like it does in my head. Well after getting so angry today I have come to the conclusion that I will give up the control and stick with the no brainer. It makes life so much simpler. It doesn't make me a better web designer, but maybe it is not time for that yet. Maybe I need to be patient with myself.
So for now I will bend my will to the basic old boring blog and make changes here and there.

I am becoming quite obsessed

I am becoming quite obsessed with blogging. I want the darn thing to look like my own design and not a canned version. Can I do it????

Church

I am so glad I went to church! I drag my feet and feel rotten and then I go to church and I hear what God is doing in other peoples lives and I share what God is doing in my own life (that is when the realization that God is at work happens) and I feel so much better! I have a neat group of people as friends at church. I always feel so much better after I worship and feel the love of the people around me.
I was truly blessed today. A person that I am just becoming acquainted with, truly becoming a friend, slipped me some cash today. What a huge blessing! I was worried about where gas for the car was going to come from. I can look at that and say a friend was kind to me or I can look at that and say that God moved on a friend of mine and supplied a need. Two ways of looking at the same thing. One blesses God the other blesses man.
I missed Tamara today. I was so looking forward to telling her about this blog, and how much fun I am having. Do I call her and stumble around with what to say that I missed her? Or do I do my usual and just wait until the next time I see her? I am great at electronic communication but really suck at face to face personal communication!

Today

TODAY
Sunday, the day I go to Sunday School and Church. I like the people, I look forward to church....usually. Today, I don't feel like going. I am feeling low, which means I must put a smile on my face and act interested in other people, and like I have not a care in the world. If only that were true. But it is not. I have bills that are piling up fast and I hope that by blogging I will see how God is working in my life instead of always feeling like he has his thumb on me pushing me to the ground. He promised to supply all my needs, but all I see so far in my life is that promise and not the reality of it.

It doesn't help that a friend of mine is out of town, we have been good friends. I don't like how I am feeling because he is gone and I am not with him. Probably it is because I am feeling left out. We are just good friends.We just have a common bond that brings us very close.

I will go to church....I know that once I go I will feel better. I have such a spirit of heaviness in my life. Is it spiritual or physical. The depression I battle sometimes seems too heavy to deal with. But then I go to a good praise and worship service and I feel like I can beat it.