Positive Attitudes

I am going to try to have a more positive attitude. No one likes a downer. Plus the doctor put me on a new medicine and I think I feel a little better now. So I am going to try to be more positive.
My fingers and arms seem to not be my own, they don't want to move the way I want them to move, I am thinking meds again, hopefully these will ease up.
The kids and I went and walked around Jefferson Pointe last night that was a nice time, and better yet, my oldest son drove and I got to "relax" in the back seat. Does a parent ever really relax riding with their child in the car? He is only 16 years old, I guess it will take some time to adjust to that. We got on the highway (not an ordinary thing in our city) and that was a white knuckle experience! ha ha! Seriously he is a good driver I just think that it is hard to not see him as my baby behind that wheel.

Another first for me. The kids stayed up and watched a movie. I was so exhausted that I went to bed and left them up! Wow! That was a strange experience, I am so used to tucking them in, saying good night and the whole ritual that just going to bed was weird of course I was so tired it didn't keep me from going right to sleep!

I am really excited about some of the things our church is doing. We are trying to unite the artists in the church as a bible study group. Not just the oil painters but any one creative whether in their job or as a hobby. Architects, commercial artists, musicians, photographers and so on! It should be exciting, I am looking forward to it! I am wanting to meet new people.
Speaking of church - I must get everyone up and ready to go. Bye!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Health

You don't realize how important your health is until you have problems....not something to be taken for granted. I was told this week, that my kidneys are calcifying (there is a million dollar name for this but I can't remember it) and only functioning 60% - that is why I am so tired. There is nothing they can do for it, they can't reverse the damage that has been done, but if I drink 3 quarts of water a day or more I can slow it way down. I feel like I am floating away and I can't quite get the 3 quarts down - yet. I am working on it. Then I was told I have sleep apnea and one of my doctors said that could be the reason for my depression. I have to go back to the sleep clinic and sleep with one of those machines. UCK! I still have one more test to do in August and I am hoping it will bring good results, but I don't think it will, I KNOW there is a problem there.sigh...All this is piling up on me along with all the other problems and I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I did realize that being around people makes me feel better than staying home and avoiding people because I don't have the strength for it. I wish I could explain to people that it is not that I don't want to be around them it just takes energy that I don't have to get there, to sit there and to make conversation. The fatigue is the worst part, I am used to going 100 mph. I went to a Wed. Bible Study and I felt so horrible but I was there and I stayed. It was so good to talk to everyone and hear their stories from a recent trip.
You know what mystifies me is the doctor ask me, "who else in your family has kidney problems?" my response? No one....another doctor "who in your family has endometriosis? my response? No one...another doctor "who in your family has colon problems?" my response? No one....I asked my mom if I was adopted because I don't fit in our family. They all laughed and said I just got the bad end of the gene pool. I am the black sheep of the family and now medically I don't fit in. Could there be just one thing that causes all this? What can I do to make things better? Eat healthy, exercise and get sleep. Maybe it is the sleep apnea causing it all because my body can't get a good enough sleep to repair itself. who knows one can second guess every situation and drive themselves nuts. Sigh...I did find out that if I go to the balcony at church that I can sit down when I am tired and I don't feel conspicious. I wish I could have my energy back.

Lucky?

I don't feel lucky. I was told today that people don't want to hire people who are not good looking.....in other words.....you are fat and so that is why you can't find a job....they did not say it in an unkind way, nor mean it maliciously. I am never eating again....well at least not very much. No more pop or juice - water only, I have been neglectful to let my self get so big. I was a size 9 when I got pregnant with my third child, it was a wonderful pregnancy and since I felt good I ate a lot, I will take it off I said, but I was too busy chasing kids that I didn't take care of myself - big mistake and now I have to do something about it. From this day forward only very small measured bites will enter these lips. Aside from my sucky financial situation and things looking overwhelmingly bleak, I am never going to get a job - because I am fat, because I have poor credit because of my ex-husband. Just because.....and GOD is in control of it all isn't he? He really doesn't give a damn, no miracles in his pockets. I am glad the kids are going to camp (on a scholarship) next week, because there is not going to be much food in the house after this weekend. And I am not eating so that will be just fine.
I can't drive my car any where or at least I shouldn't because the plates are expired, and the church helped with that but of course the mail the check and since the bmv is not open again until Tuesday......the electric is due to be cut off next Friday, and I have not income coming in from anywhere. The gas is due to be shut off sometime next week, I just ignore it, maybe I won't need it. My rent went up to $805 dollars and I have no money anywhere, and I can't find a job. You know I just can't see a solution, I keep applying for jobs but.....what's the point? I don't have the energy or any kind of bubbly attitude to do a good interview. I am angry, angry at this world and angry that I have talent but because of other circumstances that have nothing to do with how well I could perform a job they won't consider me.

Life is not fair...

Single mom, I make $900 minimum on a good month I make $1500. I have a car payment, I have rent which was $640 and has been slowly raised, today I was told that it is to be $805 a month. I am driving on expired plates (only when necessary) I just spent my last dollar on bread, and I have no income at the moment. What's nuts is I have talent coming out the wazoo I have skills that should land me a job anywhere, but I can't get a job at any of the major retail stores, or any of the major fast food stores and I can't get anyone to hire me for a graphic design position, I not good enough in one area and too good in another. Go figure.
I thought I was done moving, I thought I would stay here for the next 40 years, I thought my kids could finally relax and feel like they were secure and we had a place to call home. But it is not to be, I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions right now, but I must I feel a strong need to do something. I think I can sell the car and get an older car, I can move, my dad holds the mortgage but if we put it up for sale and I try to pay the rent until it sells then maybe I can find someplace much cheaper. The kids and I slept in basement, we could do it again.
Really? I can't handle it, it is way more than I can deal with. They say there is a God, I believe that to be true. They say He won't leave you or forsake you, I am not so sure about that anymore, I feel very abandoned and very forsaken. I don't see but one way out.
If you are reading this and you are contemplating divorce please don't. Do what ever it takes to get counseling to work it out. My ex husband abused me physically, I sometimes think the pain I am feeling now hurts worse than any pain he could have inflicted on me.

Today

My sister yelled at me today and told me that I didn't have any idea the stress she was under and what she sacrificed for her company. Does she have any understanding of what I have sacrificed? Obviously not, I had a successful freelance business going and I put it on hold in order to help her build her company because I believed in her and I and what we could do together. It was when I started working for her and quit building my freelance work up that I started having money problems. She used to pay me $30 an hour for projects then she pulled me into the company and I went willingly believing that we would grow, and started paying me $8 an hour and then that went from 40 hours a week to 10-15 and yes she sacrifices her pay sometimes and I always get paid, but who's choice is that and why should she hold that over my head? I think that is the same thing as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die scenario.
I went from being able to pay all my bills to not being able to pay any of them, well guess what? I am going to start building up my business and start getting money in again! hallelujah!

I hate life

No deep philosophies, just I hate life, it's too much work trying to figure everything out.

K-scopes

Here is my sanity. This is what keeps me going right now. They give me purpose and life...and maybe income (I still don't have a day job) I take the pictures then assemble them. a 20x20 is $600 a 10.5x10.5 is $300 unless of course you need a customized one then.....we'll talk.

Chalk Walk

Here is what I did last weekend.
I really had a lot of fun!