Getting Smart

With age comes wisdom, of this I am thankful!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.

Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....

BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!

And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.

I can't wait!

Old....

Yesterday I had an appointment with a cardiologist. They thought there was a problem with my heart. Good news! I am healthy! My body just got used to the blood pressure medicine they think. My test looked good.

But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.

I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)

I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.

Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!

Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!

Bifocals

Old age? Or just a lot of use of my eyes? I prefer to think of it as my eyes have been used up to their required mileage and they need a little extra boost! I got bifocals yesterday. I am praying that God will heal my eyes. I don't like bifocals. I can't get use to that line across my glasses. They assure me I will get used to it but I feel frustrated with the effort.

BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!

So vanity and implication versus life and function.

Function wins!

Better Day

It is a better day, I began to feel better last night. What has changed? And will it continue to get better? Why? Why the change? I will accept it as a gift. Thank you God. Maybe it is the prayers that are going up on my behalf.

who can understand anything?

I don't get it. My daughter just told me that her friend who is 13, same as she, has an offer from victoria secret to model juniors underwear. I want to scream! What is wrong with the parents that they would let their 13 year old and quite innocent I might add, daughter model in her underwear for the world to see? What is wrong with this world?

No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!

black cloud

There is this black cloud hanging over me. My thoughts are not suicidal, but I just can't think, I can't remember things. I have no energy. It is work just to type this. And contrary to popular belief when depression takes over, I don't sit around and think whoa is me. It is more an apathy that won't go away. I find myself very short with people and especially the children.
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....