I have come to think of health as the most valuable thing you can own, if you can really own such a thing. When I was young people didn't think about exercise as a way of life. I was skinny I played softball 6 days a week, I ate what I wanted and stayed skinny. The health problems I had just seemed a natural part of life, I went through the the steps did what was required by the medical staff and got through it. The problems never went away, they have just changed and the older I get the more critical they seem to be.
I used to be skinny, weight was never an issue in my life, until after a nine hour surgery that split me open top to bottom, then the weight started. But now all of a sudden it feels like I have a huge bowling ball in my gut. It is not soft but hard and it makes it hard to breathe and now the doctor has told me that I have diabetes, and my kidneys aren't functioning properly, but yet my diabetes can be controlled by my diet no meds. Yet I feel so terrible, no energy, I can barely stay awake, I have went from working from 5 am to 11 or 12 midnight to barely being able to function. I HATE THIS! And so I decide I am going to lose weight, after all everything I put in my mouth feels like it is poison to my body, I am afraid to eat anything, and what I think are the right food choices I find out they are the wrong choices. So what happens? I gain 10 pounds! How can that be I eat less and have even started walking even though I don't have the strength to put one foot in front of another, and I gain weight.....sigh.......There is a class with the Diabetes Association but it costs $300 and insurance won't pay for it. I don't have money to even buy food, or pay the bills so how can I afford the cost of that class. Seems like scholarships or grants would be nice for those people who are serious about adjusting their life but can't afford it. And while I am griping - what about insurance? They would rather pay the thousands of dollars mopping up the mess instead of preventing the problem to begin with? What is wrong here? Or a better question to ask might be - What have I done to myself?
And then there is this issue, I have a job interview on Monday, I really want this job, it is about 3 blocks from home, I could walk on a nice day, it is doing what I do best logo design, and web design. I really want this job (I hope it pays well!) But is it right, on my part to go to work for a small company having the health issues that I do and will I be able to work for them the hours they need and all that a full time job entails? I have 7 different doctors - appointments in May and June alone! Is it fair to them? I wish God would answer my prayers and make it clear!
If you read this and you pray please pray that I get the job if it is God's will.
The kids have been troopers but yet -The kids say "mom you can you eat that? or should you eat that?" and I don't know, I honestly don't. I would be satisfied with vegetables the rest of my life but think there is more to it than that. You know at times I have been almost anorexic in my life going a few day with out eating just because food didn't sound good, it seems like there is some irony in here somewhere, now that I have to eat to live and and in order to live I must eat. I hate food, a meal pill would be great.
