Depression

Depression is such a stupid thing. I have struggled with it for way too long. I am a christian I am supposed to believe that God is taking care of everything and that it will all work out. And I do believe that but.....the depression I deal with has a mind of it's own. I can't just tell it to go away. I feel so heavy, and what am I depressed about? I have no idea - that is part of the problem. If I could figure that out I would be all set. I am having fun working, albeit a bit stressed right now. The money situation while very tight is okay, needs are met. The kids....well, health problems, teenage behavior.....it is all normal. I just feel like there is this cloud hanging over my head and I can't shake it. My limbs are filled with lead and my thoughts betray the hope and excitement that I know is there. I have done so many exciting things at work this week and been creative with both my hands and my mind. So why do I feel gloom and doom. I just feel like I could sleep forever. I know, I know....you can't live by feelings, feelings are fickle. You have to go by what you know to be true, and I do that, but it doesn't get rid of the physical feelings of depression. Somedays I feel like depression is robbing me of my life and I get mad at that. Is it a power in the unseen world that is trying to destroy me? Is there REALLY a struggle in the spiritual realm that would have me be less than what I could achieve because of this opression that is upon me? Or is it a physical thing that I will just have to deal with. It is always at this time of year that the depression seems to come over me in a black wave. The doctor says it is probably because my body is anticipating the lack of sunshine that is quickly coming upon us, and that my body is conditioned for this after many years of repetition.
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.

I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11