Loneliness

Loneliness was the topic at church last Sunday, the giant of loneliness and becoming a giant killer. I wish I could remember what he said about defeating the giant of loneliness.

The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.

Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.