It says in the Bible to control your thoughts. I used to equate that with things of sin, such as what you think when you look at a person in a sexual nature, or wanting to go out partying, so on and so forth. But today, as I consider another cold, dreary day, my thoughts are leaning towards depression, I can feel that if I let my thoughts stray and not stay focused on tasks at hand that my thoughts could drag me down into the pits. It is imperative that I keep my guard up and thereby my spirits up. I can feel that cloud settling in around me and I will not allow it! I am taking steps to have a light that simulates the sunshine so that I might get a daily dose of what ever it is that the sun provides that is so vital to my well being.
So for those of you who read this control those thoughts, so that your life is not dredged through places that are undesirable and you become an unwilling victim.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The Sun does still exist here!
It is close to 50 degrees and SUNSHINING, God does still love us! He sent us sunshine today! Whooo hooooo! You can not believe how good it does my mind, body and soul to see the sunshine! I never take the sun for granted, it is so rare that we get to see the sunshine in our part of the country. I love the sun! I wish I could find a patch of sunlight and lay in it, play around in it and just bask in it, much like Trixie in family circle cartoon. Sunshine is my friend! I do so miss it when we go days on end with out it. What a happy day it is today!!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Sunshine!
I am heading out for a sunny part of the country tomorrow! It is on business, but hey, as long as I can sit outside and eat my lunch or sit in the sun I will be doin' fine! I can't wait to see the sunshine. My sister and I am going on this trip and I hope to come back a renewed person with a new outlook on life the rest of the winter. It may make me want to leave this sunny-less city even more, but I can appreciate the fresh drink of sunshine to it's fullest. Don't get me wrong here, I love my hometown. I have a lot of pride in the city of my birth, I want to return some of what it has given me, but I can not take weeks and weeks of no sunshine! It is just wrong! It has been at least 3 weeks since we have had sunshine. That is just not right! I think I am going to have to buy one of the sunshine simulator lamps, but they are $300 for a little one! And my sister knows people that swear by them. I will pray that God will provide a way for one of those lamps to come my way.
Well I am off to bed to be well rested for my trip. The kids are safely with their grandparents and I will be flying off first class tomorrow morning. So if you see a plane go overhead wave at it - you never know, you might be waving at me!
Well I am off to bed to be well rested for my trip. The kids are safely with their grandparents and I will be flying off first class tomorrow morning. So if you see a plane go overhead wave at it - you never know, you might be waving at me!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! Why is it that this day, a day like any other feels like a brand new fresh start? This day is really no different than any other but yet it is a day of new beginnings, a day to promise yourself that your life is going to take a new turn. A day to hope and believe that God is in control and things will get better in my life. A day to celebrate all the possibilities that lay ahead. A day to wonder what is God going to use me for this year? What can I do for God? Ask not what God can do for you, but what can you do for God.....to rephrase a famous quote!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Thoughts
I have been reflective lately, but yesterday something strange happened. I went to the store to pick up somethings for my mom and dad. It was a crowded shopping center. I was deep in thought and I suddenly became so aware of all the people around me and how most of them were hurting, lonely people and then I became aware of how lost many of them are with no knowledge of Jesus and who He was, and is, and I was filled with a deep sense of loss for them, a deep sense of pain and I began to wonder - If I felt so much pain for these people that I don't know, how much more Jesus must have felt. How did He do it? How did he come to earth knowing what He knew facing people on a daily basis and not be so overwhelmed with grief everyday. I was so overwhelmed with grief for these strangers and I was a mere mortal, human if you will, no obligation to them, no call to that, and yet the pain was so palatable that it hurt deeply. Why is that? What happened last night? What is God doing in my life? Where is He moving me to?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Exciting!
Wow! I knew my Grandma had an aunt that was a missionary, I even have one of her artifacts that she had collected, but it became real when my mom and I were looking through old photos and we found a picture of her! I have become excited about this because we have a missionary in our family blood line! In the past 3 years of restoration of my body, soul, and spirit, I have been working through all of the past, and it seems like generational curses are a big part of me. All the bad stuff, skeletons if you will - rattling around in my closet. This is exciting to me, I haven't quite filtered through it yet, but I will keep you posted!
Monday, December 26, 2005
Ahhhh! It's over!
Another Christmas past, for this I am thankful. I know it's seems such a terrible thing to be thankful that Christmas is over, but I am. I love the fact that I, and many of my church family are celebrating the birth of our saviour and and what that means, but the rest of the world are celebrating the deep materialism that this country and the world has fallen into, not the birth of Jesus. I am afraid that much of it is celebrated as rote tradition, and the meaning has truly been lost.
Christmas is a VERY hard time of year for me, mostly because my love language is in gift giving and I have no money or time to be creative to fulfill the giving of gifts to those special people in my life, there is so much I would give to them if I could and not just in the way of the latest and greatest, technology gadget or the the coolest new item that everyone wants, but more, I would give some their college tuition or a much needed car, or a debt paid.
So for those of you who read this here are your gifts that I can afford:
To Wally - to you I would give you the self confidence in your self to know that you CAN do anything you put your mind to. You are talented and you CAN learn anything you need to in order to get those creative ideas out of your head and into existance. You ARE smart, funny, gifted and talented. I would give you the gift of believing in yourself because God knows what He is doing with you and He has given you those gifts, if you believe in Jesus, then believe in what He has given you!
To Troy and Asiah To both of you I give the gift of always remembering through the stress of life and children and long marriage the ability to remember the friendship you have for each other first and formost, never ever forget that. And remember farther down in your marriage that what attracted you to each other to begin with is probably the very thing that will annoying you to no end when you have been married for a while. Satans ploy maybe? Celebrate each other's differences and allow each other to be different from each other, after all who wants to read the same book over and over again! If I could I would give you both the stamina for long and happy marriage, never even give divorce as a option to tough times and above all if things get rocky it is NOT a bad thing to go get counseling to make your marriage stronger! And do this when they are tiny pebbles not big giant bolders. I give you the gift of my prayers for the next 70+ years for a strong healthy marriage.
To Troy
If I could I would give you to you the gift of confidence in your music skills. I would give you the connections to open doors that you could take your songs to the those that could bring them to the world. Please dear Troy, call Pastor Bob about the Song Writers guild at the church if you haven't all ready. You have such a gift and such a talent to give. I often wonder why you aren't pursuing it full time, but you are such a prayer warrior that I am sure God will direct your paths in that direction if that is His will.
I would give to you the gift of someone giving you a hug back the way you give hugs when you most need one in the twists and turns of your life.
To Tamara
I give to you the gift of being here if you need me. The gift of all the hugs you may need and a listening ear. The gift of understanding through the rough times and celebrating in the good times. I give you the gift of my admiration and your pure unadulterated joy that you have for Jesus - and the Holy Spirit! Your unwavering faith and your wisdom I give to you as a reminder to those around you of how precious you are. I give to you the gift of reminding you that you sing like an angel and I am sure the angels sing with you and rejoice when you do open your mouth to bring the love you have for Jesus into the throne room through the music that you provide. May you always have the strength and support network to help you fight through the foggy times.
So there you have it, it hardly seems enough but it is all I have to give.
Christmas is a VERY hard time of year for me, mostly because my love language is in gift giving and I have no money or time to be creative to fulfill the giving of gifts to those special people in my life, there is so much I would give to them if I could and not just in the way of the latest and greatest, technology gadget or the the coolest new item that everyone wants, but more, I would give some their college tuition or a much needed car, or a debt paid.
So for those of you who read this here are your gifts that I can afford:
To Wally - to you I would give you the self confidence in your self to know that you CAN do anything you put your mind to. You are talented and you CAN learn anything you need to in order to get those creative ideas out of your head and into existance. You ARE smart, funny, gifted and talented. I would give you the gift of believing in yourself because God knows what He is doing with you and He has given you those gifts, if you believe in Jesus, then believe in what He has given you!
To Troy and Asiah To both of you I give the gift of always remembering through the stress of life and children and long marriage the ability to remember the friendship you have for each other first and formost, never ever forget that. And remember farther down in your marriage that what attracted you to each other to begin with is probably the very thing that will annoying you to no end when you have been married for a while. Satans ploy maybe? Celebrate each other's differences and allow each other to be different from each other, after all who wants to read the same book over and over again! If I could I would give you both the stamina for long and happy marriage, never even give divorce as a option to tough times and above all if things get rocky it is NOT a bad thing to go get counseling to make your marriage stronger! And do this when they are tiny pebbles not big giant bolders. I give you the gift of my prayers for the next 70+ years for a strong healthy marriage.
To Troy
If I could I would give you to you the gift of confidence in your music skills. I would give you the connections to open doors that you could take your songs to the those that could bring them to the world. Please dear Troy, call Pastor Bob about the Song Writers guild at the church if you haven't all ready. You have such a gift and such a talent to give. I often wonder why you aren't pursuing it full time, but you are such a prayer warrior that I am sure God will direct your paths in that direction if that is His will.
I would give to you the gift of someone giving you a hug back the way you give hugs when you most need one in the twists and turns of your life.
To Tamara
I give to you the gift of being here if you need me. The gift of all the hugs you may need and a listening ear. The gift of understanding through the rough times and celebrating in the good times. I give you the gift of my admiration and your pure unadulterated joy that you have for Jesus - and the Holy Spirit! Your unwavering faith and your wisdom I give to you as a reminder to those around you of how precious you are. I give to you the gift of reminding you that you sing like an angel and I am sure the angels sing with you and rejoice when you do open your mouth to bring the love you have for Jesus into the throne room through the music that you provide. May you always have the strength and support network to help you fight through the foggy times.
So there you have it, it hardly seems enough but it is all I have to give.
Friday, December 23, 2005
It's been a while
I guess it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been so busy with classes, the kids, life...
Where do I begin - I guess chronological order would be good.
First we found out my son has a learning disability - dyslexia. This has taken a lot of my time and energy because I want him to be successful in school and go to college. I feel like to let him fail in school I will fail him by not helping him. Somedays this takes a LOT of time and energy to help him with his homework.
Classes were challenging this semester, but I enjoyed it. I had to write several paper one was on the historical and archaelogocial proof for the tower of babel. Quite fascinating!
The next paper was on pro-gay theology. You have to choose a controversial subject and definitely be on one side of it. This topic was very taxing as both sides have very convincing arguments but it was if the bigger picture was coming into focus as I did this paper. It was mentally exhausting, but very fulfilling by the time I finished. I ended up with a B in the class, but since I had tried 3 times before to pass this class I am more than satisfied with a B. I didn't have the english classes when I was in high school and besides it was so LONG ago! haha!
Next on the list is my sister's business. I have jumped in with both feet to help her build her business and make it successful. We are a good match, she if very market saavy and business minded and likes schmuzing with the big dogs. Me on the other hand, I am perfectly content to be in the background, create and be creative, and provide customer service. It is a tad confusing because my sister is the sole proprieter and I am an employee of sorts but yet she refers to me as her partner. I don't quite know how to act or react in this situation.
More later....
Where do I begin - I guess chronological order would be good.
First we found out my son has a learning disability - dyslexia. This has taken a lot of my time and energy because I want him to be successful in school and go to college. I feel like to let him fail in school I will fail him by not helping him. Somedays this takes a LOT of time and energy to help him with his homework.
Classes were challenging this semester, but I enjoyed it. I had to write several paper one was on the historical and archaelogocial proof for the tower of babel. Quite fascinating!
The next paper was on pro-gay theology. You have to choose a controversial subject and definitely be on one side of it. This topic was very taxing as both sides have very convincing arguments but it was if the bigger picture was coming into focus as I did this paper. It was mentally exhausting, but very fulfilling by the time I finished. I ended up with a B in the class, but since I had tried 3 times before to pass this class I am more than satisfied with a B. I didn't have the english classes when I was in high school and besides it was so LONG ago! haha!
Next on the list is my sister's business. I have jumped in with both feet to help her build her business and make it successful. We are a good match, she if very market saavy and business minded and likes schmuzing with the big dogs. Me on the other hand, I am perfectly content to be in the background, create and be creative, and provide customer service. It is a tad confusing because my sister is the sole proprieter and I am an employee of sorts but yet she refers to me as her partner. I don't quite know how to act or react in this situation.
More later....
Monday, November 07, 2005
Birthday success
Our trip was successful and our friend is doing much better. For that I am grateful.
My birthday, was fun. My friends took me to the cheesecake factory for my birthday dinner and we shopped (not my favorite activity but we had fun). Saturday night the people we were staying with took me out for my birthday, mexican restaurant, my favorite! It was a nice evening.
I was more than a little disappointed that my children or my parents or siblings - no one called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I know I shouldn't let it disappoint me but I do.
And if success in friendships and family comes in the number of cards you get, or presents you get then I am doomed. I got 2 cards and 2 presents - and no phone calls......I live a pathetic life. I still think there must be something wrong with me that people seem to think so little of me. I have been told that is a lie from the pit of hell, but is it? Really?
I know I am having a pity party today and no one is coming but me. My life story. I hate my life.
My birthday, was fun. My friends took me to the cheesecake factory for my birthday dinner and we shopped (not my favorite activity but we had fun). Saturday night the people we were staying with took me out for my birthday, mexican restaurant, my favorite! It was a nice evening.
I was more than a little disappointed that my children or my parents or siblings - no one called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I know I shouldn't let it disappoint me but I do.
And if success in friendships and family comes in the number of cards you get, or presents you get then I am doomed. I got 2 cards and 2 presents - and no phone calls......I live a pathetic life. I still think there must be something wrong with me that people seem to think so little of me. I have been told that is a lie from the pit of hell, but is it? Really?
I know I am having a pity party today and no one is coming but me. My life story. I hate my life.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Getting Smart
With age comes wisdom, of this I am thankful!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.
Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....
BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!
And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.
I can't wait!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.
Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....
BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!
And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.
I can't wait!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Old....
Yesterday I had an appointment with a cardiologist. They thought there was a problem with my heart. Good news! I am healthy! My body just got used to the blood pressure medicine they think. My test looked good.
But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.
I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)
I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.
Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!
Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!
But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.
I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)
I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.
Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!
Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Bifocals
Old age? Or just a lot of use of my eyes? I prefer to think of it as my eyes have been used up to their required mileage and they need a little extra boost! I got bifocals yesterday. I am praying that God will heal my eyes. I don't like bifocals. I can't get use to that line across my glasses. They assure me I will get used to it but I feel frustrated with the effort.
BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!
So vanity and implication versus life and function.
Function wins!
BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!
So vanity and implication versus life and function.
Function wins!
Better Day
It is a better day, I began to feel better last night. What has changed? And will it continue to get better? Why? Why the change? I will accept it as a gift. Thank you God. Maybe it is the prayers that are going up on my behalf.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
who can understand anything?
I don't get it. My daughter just told me that her friend who is 13, same as she, has an offer from victoria secret to model juniors underwear. I want to scream! What is wrong with the parents that they would let their 13 year old and quite innocent I might add, daughter model in her underwear for the world to see? What is wrong with this world?
No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!
No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!
Sunday, October 02, 2005
black cloud
There is this black cloud hanging over me. My thoughts are not suicidal, but I just can't think, I can't remember things. I have no energy. It is work just to type this. And contrary to popular belief when depression takes over, I don't sit around and think whoa is me. It is more an apathy that won't go away. I find myself very short with people and especially the children.
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Depression
Depression is such a stupid thing. I have struggled with it for way too long. I am a christian I am supposed to believe that God is taking care of everything and that it will all work out. And I do believe that but.....the depression I deal with has a mind of it's own. I can't just tell it to go away. I feel so heavy, and what am I depressed about? I have no idea - that is part of the problem. If I could figure that out I would be all set. I am having fun working, albeit a bit stressed right now. The money situation while very tight is okay, needs are met. The kids....well, health problems, teenage behavior.....it is all normal. I just feel like there is this cloud hanging over my head and I can't shake it. My limbs are filled with lead and my thoughts betray the hope and excitement that I know is there. I have done so many exciting things at work this week and been creative with both my hands and my mind. So why do I feel gloom and doom. I just feel like I could sleep forever. I know, I know....you can't live by feelings, feelings are fickle. You have to go by what you know to be true, and I do that, but it doesn't get rid of the physical feelings of depression. Somedays I feel like depression is robbing me of my life and I get mad at that. Is it a power in the unseen world that is trying to destroy me? Is there REALLY a struggle in the spiritual realm that would have me be less than what I could achieve because of this opression that is upon me? Or is it a physical thing that I will just have to deal with. It is always at this time of year that the depression seems to come over me in a black wave. The doctor says it is probably because my body is anticipating the lack of sunshine that is quickly coming upon us, and that my body is conditioned for this after many years of repetition.
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.
I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.
I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, September 15, 2005
manual for teenagers
Someone should write a manual for dealing with teenagers. Of course any parent of a teenager would probably throw the book in the trash as the kids would probably figure out a way to make that book inaccurate. Oh my gosh! I have heard people say that they would take boys anyday and I would have to agree. One minute I am my daughters best friend and the next she is shouting at me telling me she hates me and will never tell me anything again. I would like to put her in a cave for the next 6 years of her life and feed her through a hole in the wall! Geez!
I get so tired of it!
I don't remember being that tempramental when I was a teen ager. Was I? I will have to ask my mom.
I get so tired of it!
I don't remember being that tempramental when I was a teen ager. Was I? I will have to ask my mom.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Parenting
Last night was back to school night. Another area that I feel lonely in. First off there is only one of me and two children, and classes to hit and teachers to meet. For the most part I enjoyed seeing the kids schedule's and meeting their favorite teachers. It was hotter than haides in that school though. I bet it was 100 degrees in that school and that was at night! I can't imagine what those kids have to go through during the day when the sun is shining. Oh man! How can they learn in an enviroment like that? And the poor teachers.
The elementary school that feeds the kids middle school was complaining because they didn't have air and it was making it impossible to teach the kids, because they were so hot. Well I agree with that.
When I came out last night to the car there had been some vandalism. Someone had gone through and taken all the gas caps off of cars that they could. Mine was locked so I was okay, but they through them all around the parking area, and one must have skimmed off my hood because I have deep scratches on my hood. They tore bumpers off of vehicles. I hope they catch who did this.
But back to my original thoughts. I don't know any of the other parents, I am not sure I really want to - honestly. But it would have been nice to greet someone and to feel apart of it all. I know, I know - I was there for my kids not to socialize.....but still......sigh.
I didn't fit in at their elementary school because we lived out in the country and not in the additions with all of them. And then we moved and didn't live by the school. But here at the middle school. We live here. It all goes back to knowing your neighbors. I must be the one to change this. Who else is going to do it? No one else is going to initiate a get together to learn who the neighbors are. It must be me.
The elementary school that feeds the kids middle school was complaining because they didn't have air and it was making it impossible to teach the kids, because they were so hot. Well I agree with that.
When I came out last night to the car there had been some vandalism. Someone had gone through and taken all the gas caps off of cars that they could. Mine was locked so I was okay, but they through them all around the parking area, and one must have skimmed off my hood because I have deep scratches on my hood. They tore bumpers off of vehicles. I hope they catch who did this.
But back to my original thoughts. I don't know any of the other parents, I am not sure I really want to - honestly. But it would have been nice to greet someone and to feel apart of it all. I know, I know - I was there for my kids not to socialize.....but still......sigh.
I didn't fit in at their elementary school because we lived out in the country and not in the additions with all of them. And then we moved and didn't live by the school. But here at the middle school. We live here. It all goes back to knowing your neighbors. I must be the one to change this. Who else is going to do it? No one else is going to initiate a get together to learn who the neighbors are. It must be me.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Friends...
Yesterday after church I was feeling so lonely. My daughter was going to lunch and a movie with friends and I had no one. I couldn't find anyone who was going out for lunch and so I was feel the loneliness all so much more. As I was walking out to the car feeling this tremendous weight, two of the girls from the young adults group flagged me over and said how they had missed me at Sunday school (I went to another class). That helped but then they asked if I wanted to go to lunch, it was a very nice lunch. We didn't go anywhere fancy but it was the company that made it a 5 star restaurant. I really really needed that and enjoyed their company. It made the weight I was carrying yesterday so much lighter.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Loneliness
Loneliness was the topic at church last Sunday, the giant of loneliness and becoming a giant killer. I wish I could remember what he said about defeating the giant of loneliness.
The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.
Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.
The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.
Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.
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