Happy Birthday Linda

Yesterday was my sister Linda's birthday, as many of you know she passed away on Good Friday of this year. This is her first birthday without her here. We (my family and her close friends) all went out for dinner last night, it was a nice evening and bittersweet. I was really aware of the fact that this whole group were friends and had been for many years, but that we all met through Linda, she was the common link. Without her we may never have met each other. My mom and sister and I all had her Jewelry on that we inherited, there isn't a day go by that we each have something of Linda's on. I hope Linda knows we celebrated with her.
It was a tough day. I still miss her so much and still can't believe she isn't here on earth with us, but I do feel she is with us in spirit and somehow that makes it easier.

Attitude

I keep telling myself it is a matter of attitude. I have to be thankful that I even have a job right now. It may get worse, or....I could get my dream job.
But I keep telling myself I have a job. Of course it has helped that my boss this week as been fairly sedate and we didn't have any drama! Maybe I am learning to keep my mouth shut better, or maybe she is relaxing. Her kitchen has been in the process of being remodeled and it has been finished this week, so maybe that is why we are having a good week, maybe the plant manager is not riding her so hard this week, who knows. I just know I have had a fairly good week at work.
I am extremely grateful for that since I found out I am trying to pass a kidney stone this week as well. If it doesn't pass by next week....well let's let tomorrow worry about itself! Thankfully I have no constant pain, only the pain when I....well you can fill in the blank there...ha ha! TMI!
So is it attitude or is it my boss, time will tell I suppose I am pretty sure it is my boss. I tend to be pretty upbeat when I am not at work.

times gone by...

I look at this abandoned wagon on a property in the country and wonder....what stories does it have to tell. Stories of a simpler life, a slower pace, and a focus on the things most important - PEOPLE.

It's Saturday

Well here it is Saturday and the first day of our fair. Lots to do. I went out with a couple of friends last night and relaxed, listened to their problems and ignored my own, it was bliss! I really had a nice time.

But always in the back of my head is the fact that I have to return to work on Monday, oh God - WHY??? Please let there be a miracle of some kind and keep me from having to go back to work there. Miracles can happen right? I get a knot in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it.

Today there is Art in the downtown park...I love going and getting new inspiration! Of course we just had a huge down pour of rain. Hopefully that was it for the day. I can't wait! I am so looking forward to it!

I am learning to take one day at a time.

One more day....

One more day, I pull myself out of bed and live the American Dream....ha ha ha ha! I read the book rich dad, poor dad, and realize that the american dream of working hard, getting a good paycheck, saving up a little for retirement is a waste of time. The rich didn't get rich by working hard for a paycheck, that just covered their expenses. They got rich because they took chances, they stepped out of their safe little box and on faith they leaped and landed on their feet.

I hate this life. I hate the fact that I can't trust my kids because of what their father has taught them. He has taught them disrespect towards me, towards committments, and he has taught them to be bigots, racists and angry.

Anger can be a good thing, it can force change and I am not going to sit here and wallow in this anger. Things are going to change. I don't care if I have to take a huge cut in pay to get out of this job.

I want to make a difference in this world instead of just working for the paycheck to cover the bills. I don't need things to be happy, they really only make you more miserable because you have to clean around all of those "things" and store them and they cause stress.

I would be happier working in a small town with enough money to pay the expenses if it meant doing something I love versus working at a big company and meeting the expenses in a job I hate. Money helps aid in getting to happiness, but true happiness is being surrounded by the love of those who care about you and who you care about, and making a positive difference in this world.

So how will I find this utopia?

Life just plain ole sucks....

Right now that is how I feel. I write this thinking no one reads it, so this is not a blog that is supposed to make you feel good. Get over it! I have other blogs for that.
My youngest son...let's start there. He was supposed to compete in the 4-H fair this Saturday. We have sacrificed how many Monday nights, money and time to prepare for this big event, and then he tells me he is going to go to his dad's family reunion instead...and of course his dad being the SOB that he is doesn't make my youngest son stick with his commitments...no that would constitute being a good father, which he isn't. What the hell did I sacrifice all those Mondays for? Oh sure let's put on the positive face...he learned to bond with his dog, he had fun, he met some new people...blah, blah, blah....they also said that he was most likely to win the prize. Hurt and disappointment is what I feel. I just want to be proud of one of my chidren at least, none of my kids do anything extraordinary. They are lucky to get passing grades (except my youngest) And then because I am mad at him that he won't go, he has decided that he is going to stay with his dad from this point on and never talk to me again....yes that is right. Straight from his last text message, and with the influence of his dad this is probably the truth. So I "feel" in essence like someone has ripped my heart out. Rejection reigns supreme.

Then I was supposed to go to the zoo with my oldest son and his friend today. He backed out, first it was because his friend couldn't go and he didn't want to go without her, then he came up with he had to work. All excuses....rejection reigns supreme.

Then my youngest son took the keys to his tractor with him out to his dad's, so i can't mow with the riding tractor. I must unbury the push mower and mow with it. SHIT...I hate push mowing, not to mention all the work I am going to have to do just to get it out, and pray to God that it starts after not being used for two years. The lawn is way past needing mowed. We will be fined if it is not mowed quickly.
So then I resolve myself to the fact that this will need to be done, and it dawns on me, my youngest son has also kept the keys to the padlock on the gate into the backyard. So even if I get the mower out I can't mow the backyard. I am so damn angry at life right now everything seems so overwhelming.

Between the rejection from my sons, and the constant rejection from my rebellious daughter I just don't even want to make an attempt at Life anymore. I want to go curl up in a ball somewhere and wait until this shit that is my life is over.
I can't fight back because like it or not I still have the commitment to my kids that I can't get away from. People tell me I am a good parent and yet I am treated like I am the problem. I have a commitment to family. If I weren't a responsible person, I would pack up my car with some of my books, my computer and files, my camera equipment, and be out of here....I would go anywhere a long way from here. But alas I am a chicken shit and I am stuck in this place called 'my life'....

I have had two weeks off from work, and still can't find another job, I hate my boss's leadership style (fear based management) which in turn makes me hate my job. I sit in my car and hang my head and just come near tears at the thought of even making the walk in. I give up, there must not be a god in heaven if I beg him to help me find a new job, I take all the steps and still end up in that shit hole with the abusive boss. I have even applied for jobs all over the country!

I am just so angry inside! I feel like it might burst. I hope I die sooner than later, and I refuse suicide, I mean think about it...it is proven there is life after death and that your soul is who you are, your personality with all of it's flaws and good points is what will survive, so all of this anger, and rejection, and frustration will go with me and I won't change at all, and I would still be stuck with all of this garbage in the afterlife as well as now, so committing suicide wouldn't even get me away from all of this shit. Maybe if you believe in reincarnation and being stuck to family groups and all of that, my kids were hurt by me in a past life and now they are paying me back....geez! How ridiculous is that idea?
I would like to take all the glass rootbeer bottles my son left behind and smash the smithereens out out of them...that would make me feel much better.

Wow! So much negativity! What is up with that?

I was reading over my blog and it is full of negativity. UCK! I hate people like that, how did I become one?
Well it all goes back to attitudes! From this moment on positives! Like when you write those awful christmas letters, give glowing reports and making everything sound like a positive!
I can do that too!
First off I bought a book yesterday on how to make money blogging. Sounds great! I am going to give it a whirl...want to donate...ha ha!
Olivia and I had a good day yesterday. We went out to the mall, Grandma and her went shopping and I parked my self in heaven at the book store! It was great! And just as I got checked out and was going to head out and find the two of them they showed up at the book store, what perfect timing!
It was a beautiful day yesterday, sunny, not too hot and just perfect!
Today we will go to my parents house and eat Sunday Lunch, with some family.
Life is good.....attitudes!

attitudes

I have been thinking of my attitudes lately. I have two glorious weeks off from work. I hate my job, I want to cry every time I walk in the door. The politics kill me. My boss loves fear based management, and she loads it on thick, telling me that people think I am incompetent and so on. And based on a couple of things lately, I don't think this is true at all but she just tells me that. I caught her in a lie last week and paid dearly for that. She tells me constantly to be looking for another job, and then when I have brought this up she tells me that she has only told me this a couple of times! When in reality I hear it once a week at least, but I am not going to argue with my boss so I let it go.
Anyway back to the attitudes. I don't want to go back after this two weeks off, I have tried and tried to find another job, but with no luck. I keep thinking every day, I don't want to go back...well I am practically ruining by time off by thinking of the fact that I don't want to go back instead of enjoying my time off! I must adjust that attitude!
(but I truly don't know what I am going to do if I do have to go back....sigh.....)
Snap out of it I tell myself, God has a plan...my daughter wants to move out of the state and it is very tempting, very very tempting! It just scares me - the thought of packing up everything, and moving where I don't know anyone. God would have to open the doors wide open there to get me to move. I am a bit of a fraidy cat I suppose.
At the same time I have websites coming at me that I must turn down, now what is up with that? I try to be self employed and can't find work. I get a full time job and the work just pours in! I don't get it! grrrrrrr...........

Sunday Evening

It is Sunday Evening.....tomorrow is Monday morning and back to work...I like my job for the fact that I have enough money to pay the bills, buy things, and live comfortably....but the truth is I hate my job, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, and I dislike some of the people. There are a few people there that are gems, hidden in the anger, the deceit, the game playing and back stabbing. There are several people there who are photographers, one man I have never met but been to his website, his bird photos are amazing! Check it out...Bird Photography, but I just cringe at the thought of going back to the drama at this point. And it is just that...DRAMA...with my supervisor her Union Counterpart and the fact that they dislike each other very much and they pull people in to take sides with each other. It gets really old. I don' know who to trust if anyone, and I want to do web design! Period end. I sit in my car some mornings and think I just can't do this today, I sit there gripping the steering wheel hoping beyond hope that something will happen that they must send us all home, that I will have some emergency that requires my attention away from work...anything...ANYTHING....then I take a deep breath and talk myself in to going into work, praying for strength and wisdom to get through just one more day, hoping that this is the week that I find a different position that will free me of this bondage. I will not quit and be without a job, I won't put myself and the children back into that position in these economic times but I certainly wish I could. I have even considered moving far away to find something, ANYTHING...to get out of this job. SIGH......

well O.K. then....

Well my last post wasn't really finished. I left in a rush. My father in law died on Mother's Day. He was really my ex-father-in-law but I knew him LONG before I ever met my ex-husband. I knew my ex-husbands mom and step father from Church, they are (were?) friends of my mom and dad's. He used to call every night and say, "hi, this is Dad, just calling to say that I love you." I do miss him. But he is probably having the time of his life up in heaven!

Too much death in too short a time. My sister died on Good Friday, My father in law on Mother's Day, we were just holding our breath through Father's day but we made it! Thank you God!

Let's see what else is going on....my youngest son will go live with his Dad the second half of the summer and then stay there and live with him. I will only get to see him every other weekend. My heart is breaking with this and I don't care to discuss it beyond that.

My daughter is having a difficult time in her teenage years and we have some very serious issues to deal with. Again I don't want to discuss it beyond that but if you are a person who prays please throw prayers up for my daughter. God knows her name and the needs there.

My artwork is falling by the wayside somewhat. My job is so emotionally draining that when I come home I don't have the energy for anything past that. I crash plain and simple. If I were alone, I would probably come home and go right to bed, it is that bad. I hate my job, but, the bright side is, I have a good paycheck, and the bills are getting paid.

I would like to go hibernate for about 3 weeks on a beautiful island with nothing but my books and some art supplies, such as my sketch book, watercolors and computer with no internet just my illustration software. Ah..that would be heaven.

My oldest son turned 18 yesterday. It is hard to believe I have an 18 year old but I do and he is a nice young man, and very talented. He drew the irish family crest for my dad for a father's day gift. I am so proud of him!

Well that is all for now. I am going to go learn how to blog from my cell phone so I can post more often!

Up to date

I haven't blogged for a while and I miss it. It has been a very hectic past few months. My classes were consuming, I had the flu that took me down for a whole week, and when my sister died it put me in a tailspin. She had no husband, and no children, so the work of taking care of her belongings fell to my sister, brother, and I.......oh God I just got a phone call that my father in law had an anuerysm and they are going to "pull the plug" oh God.....

In Memory of My Sister Linda

Today I had to make funeral arrangements for my Sister Linda. My mom, my dad, my other sister and I had to sit in the funeral home and figure out which casket to get, which options to forgoe and which to take. My brother mark just couldn't do it.

My sister passed away quite unexpectedly yesterday. We thought she had the flu and we guess with the diabetes that it was too much for her body to handle. We found her passed out on the floor unconcious and she was barely breathing. The paramedics worked for an hour before taking her to the hospital.

I just can't believe my sister is gone. There is a hole deep in my sole, and empty spot that just can't be there. She was the one that I called and talked to when I had bought something totally frivolous and wanted to share it with someone. She never judged me and told me that on my budget I should never have spent the money. Instead she would laugh with me and tell me the lastest, coolest thing she had gotten. Linda always could make you laugh, she was so caring and loving. Around this time of year, we would always have a unspoken competition about who would find the first bag of Brachs White Malted Milk Balls. I would call her up and say, "guess what I bought today?" and she would say - "White Malted Milk Balls! I bought them two days ago!" she always beat me! And we both agreed that they had to be the white ones because the pastel ones just didn't taste the same!

Linda was the one who put the precious scrapbooks together for each of the nephews as they were graduating from high school. Someone has to do that now. It is a family tradition and no one could do it like Linda. She squeezed so much in to a 24 hour period that sometimes it amazed me. She seemed to be busy all the time. I remember sitting at our parents house cutting out shapes for her preschool class. She got the Golden Apple award just last month! A huge honor and the first preschool teacher to ever receive one!

Linda was my designer, I needed advice on how to organize my house and she came up with such great ideas! She had such an energy about her.

She used to call me up and ask her to help her with a computer problem and then would apologize because I had to come over and help her. I never told her how much I enjoyed those times. I told her how it was okay I didn't mind, but I never told her how much I enjoyed those hours sitting in her home office talking and sharing and discussing the things going on in our lives. I treasured those moments and I am not sure I ever told her. I thought there would be many, many, more.

We are never promised tomorrow, but when tomorrow doesn't come for a person who is young it is devastating. It feels like a dream.

Well she is probably no longer feeling crummy, or in pain from her fibermyalgia, and she is probably having a great time with grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could talk to her one last time. It had been a week and a half since I last called her.

I feel like the tears will never ever stop. It just doesn't seem right.

I miss you big sister, I really, really miss you.....

It's been awhile!

Let's see - where to begin.....the dog is settling in nice and doing very well. He is a houdini, having gotten off the leash and run away 3 times and slipped out the door 2. The last time I threw up my hands and said said, "oh well...." and let him run. A neighbor caught him and brought him back, he is on major lock down now. The new fence should be up in the next two weeks, then he will be able to run.

Work - hate my job, I stick it out because it is a pay check. There is very little creativity and it is killing me. I think my supervisor knows that too, but the funny thing is she takes away more and more of the creative projects all the time. And she is soooooo moody - bipolar I think - happy one day, angry, brooding and snappy the next. I wish I could find another job, but I can't seem to find one so I guess I am supposed to stay there. GRRRRRRRR I am talented, gifted and a great designer, is it my age that makes it hard to find a job? I would think companies would want experienced designers instead of young people who get the experience and move up and out!

Motherhood - I am finding it very challenging being the mother of a teen age girl. Enough said.....

Artist - I entered a show out in San Diego a really big deal, I should find out next week if I was accepted. Considering the last show had over 3900 entries and only 200 were accepted.......it will be a huge honor if I do get accepted! I haven't done too much with my art, by the time I get home from work and I am too stressed I don't feel like creating art. I am taking a drawing class on Saturday's and I love that but again that is the only time I am creating.....sigh...big sigh.......

My webdesign business is picking up that is a good thing.

New Dog

I finally did it! I found a Norweigen Elkhound that I liked, that was close by, and for the right price! I have been looking for 3 years but the time wasn't right until now! I am so excited. He is such a good dog, he is 5 years old and very well behaved. His official name is Sir Rudolph but we call him Buddy. The only annoying thing is that he wines a lot for no apparent reason, but I am hoping that will dissapate with time as he learns to communicate with us and relaxes.

He has taken to my 13 year old son which just thrills me! My son and him are enrolled in dog obiedience classes and my son wants to be in 4-H with the dog! I am so tickled! My son has never shown much interest in participating in anything and this is just what I have been looking for. The dog is a quick learner and my son is doing such a good job with him. After just one lesson the dog is heeling, sitting, and staying!

Isn't he beautiful?

New Years Resolutions

Here is my list of New Years Resolutions:

First foremost and most importantly:
Contentment in all things...if I achieve this then all the rest will fall into place.
Contentment that I am where I am supposed to be with my job, that another door will open when the time is right for me to leave.

Eat healthier and Exercise more (yada yada yada - same as every other american in this world).

Listen more to the kids.

Fix up my house....gotta love that paycheck, eh?....learn contentment...

Read less about art and work more on creating it!

Draw more, and doodle even more.

Work hard at getting my sense of humor back....maybe I should hang around LuAnn more...she makes me laugh!

Never make a list of New Years Resolutions again...ha ha! This is the first one I have ever made in my whole life. I always thought they were a colossal waste of time. ha ha. So there you have it.

So Sweet!

I have had the whole week off from work. It has gone by way too fast. But it has been the best week I have had in a long time! I have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

One bit of an update on what is happening in my life. I found out the last day of the semester, the last test of the last day of graduating with my BFA in Computer Art and Design that I only have 5 classes to get my BA in Anthropology and that they will be teaching a class in Visual Anthropology next semester. I didn't even know there was such a thing as visual anthropology, and upon further investigation it seems like the perfect blend between my artistic, photography and creative skills and my interest in history, people, archaeology and anthropology. It is very exciting! Since there are next to NO jobs in the design field in my town maybe this will open new doors for me. If you haven't figured it out so far I am pursuing my Bachelors of Anthropology degree. A friend of mine was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to put BS behind my name....ha ha!!

I bought a book that reflects on the thought - "if you have one hour to live, who would you call and why are you waiting?".....something to think about. I must go read that book now! ta ta! Ciao!

Corporate personalities

Is it possible that there are just some people that are not cut out to work in the corporate world? I think I might be one of them. I hate my job. I love the money, love the work but the politics and the stupid people just amaze me.

Do you know that no one decorated for christmas in any way at work? Do you know there were no carry in's, no gift exchanges, no holiday atmosphere, just everyone leaving early and as soon as they could to get out of that place. It is so oppressive in this place. I feel like I am suffocating, drowning as a matter of fact. There is no creativity, it is just robotic, "this is what we want so do it...make it happen...." sigh..... I yell at God, I beg God, I plead with God, - GET ME OUT OF HERE! I look for jobs, I submit resume after resume hoping that someone will get me out of here, but no....I must stay. I really enjoy the paycheck, even if it is low on the pay scale for my field, but that guaranteed paycheck is certainly nice. I think God is having me work on being content no matter what situation I am in. I just cry when I think about going back to that place. I am SOOO looking forward to the next week off.
If you are reading this and you are a praying soul, please pray that God would do something in my situation at work!

Christmas Fun!

Here is a little Christmas Fun!
Click the link below, it takes a while to load but definitely worth the wait!

watch these pictures in animated form! Hysterical CLICK HERE

Update...

I have been so busy lately with my senior show and getting everything ready for my graduating "ta-da" that I haven't had much time for blogging.
Life is still happening, I am in the midst of a rebellious teen ager that is floundering in her life path. It is sad to watch, and most frustrating given the fact that I have been down that path and I with all of my wisdom and knowledge of what she could do to make her life better, just ring like a loud annoying clanging bell in her ears. I had someone tell me that if they had it to do all over again they would pray more......pray without ceasing has taken on a whole new meaning in my life, and amazingly I see it working!

I am believing that her true strength and character will come through and that we have started being proactive before it went to far - hopefully. But there have been some things put into motion that are going to make life very difficult in the next year or so.

Now changing subjects I have a job! And a good job at that! Working for a large automotive company. I get to use all of my skills in photography, videography, graphic design and I am running a broadcasting station for the whole plant. It is a good job and I love the work....I hate the politics and the pull between company and union. I wish they would all grow up....I will stay there until God directs me to a different place doing something different. I pray it is soon, but I am committed to this company until then. My position is a source of contention. The company wants a company person in my position, the union wants a union person in my position. It is a very insecure feeling job. Will you have a job after the next contract agreement? Are you being set up to fail, by not being told the truth by the other person? For instance I was supposed to go take a photo, but was told i didn't have to only to find out that I should have, and then I get the funny little comments from the big wigs of the union because I didn't show....stupid games like that. Oh bother!

So that is all for now! I will be blogging more after my senior show. Which is Friday, Nov. 2 for those of you who know me and want to come. Email me and I will send you the where at info so you can share with me as I graduate! This is a big moment for me. Almost the official graduation ceremony in my eyes.

So Much has happened.....

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I got a new job...and not just any job but my dream job! I get to shoot video, edit the video and put together videos, photography and graphic design! I am so thrilled! And the pay is GREAT!!! Now instead of being behind the eightball I am at least breaking even. Sad but true....I don't have money for extras but at least the necessary bills are paid! Huge blessing! It certainly takes a big chunk out of my day, what with a 40 minute drive (on the highway none the less) both ways, and the eight hour day, but that is okay. I am happy. The extreme tiredness is beginning to wear off, and I am beginning to have more energy in the evenings again.
It's funny when I look at what my budget is and I only added food, a little more on a new car payment, a little more gas, and little more on insurance and I am breaking even, I wonder how I was ever making it with my freelancing (since that was next to nothing). I think God has showed me that He was doing more than I ever suspected!

Yes..I do have a new car! A Pontiac G6 (a funny sidebar, I work on a Mac G5 all day and drive a G6) It is so nice to be back in a pontiac again. I truly love pontiac's and I found sales man there that if he stays with Pontiac I will go back to him time and time again. I like him. If you know me ask and I will give you his name.

It has been a big adjustment for the kids. Me being gone all day, instead of being home, but after this semester of school they should have a lot more of me.
This is my last semester of school at college. I will be graduating with a BFA in Computer Art & Design. This is a long time coming, and I am going to the graduation ceremony and having an open house all of this in the spring even though I am graduating this fall. COUNT ON IT! I have worked too long and too hard to get to this point to not go through the motions and celebrate my accomplishments with those people who surround me in my daily life.

I am having trouble getting the freelance commitments I made accomplished and for that I feel bad, I am doing the best I can, with the energy I have. I can see why people pump themselves full of caffeine. I have not stooped to that yet, since I feel the health risks far outweigh the energy, maybe more exercise would help...

Anyway ta ta for now! (As Tigger would say!)
Life is good.....