Sunday Evening

It is Sunday Evening.....tomorrow is Monday morning and back to work...I like my job for the fact that I have enough money to pay the bills, buy things, and live comfortably....but the truth is I hate my job, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, and I dislike some of the people. There are a few people there that are gems, hidden in the anger, the deceit, the game playing and back stabbing. There are several people there who are photographers, one man I have never met but been to his website, his bird photos are amazing! Check it out...Bird Photography, but I just cringe at the thought of going back to the drama at this point. And it is just that...DRAMA...with my supervisor her Union Counterpart and the fact that they dislike each other very much and they pull people in to take sides with each other. It gets really old. I don' know who to trust if anyone, and I want to do web design! Period end. I sit in my car some mornings and think I just can't do this today, I sit there gripping the steering wheel hoping beyond hope that something will happen that they must send us all home, that I will have some emergency that requires my attention away from work...anything...ANYTHING....then I take a deep breath and talk myself in to going into work, praying for strength and wisdom to get through just one more day, hoping that this is the week that I find a different position that will free me of this bondage. I will not quit and be without a job, I won't put myself and the children back into that position in these economic times but I certainly wish I could. I have even considered moving far away to find something, ANYTHING...to get out of this job. SIGH......

well O.K. then....

Well my last post wasn't really finished. I left in a rush. My father in law died on Mother's Day. He was really my ex-father-in-law but I knew him LONG before I ever met my ex-husband. I knew my ex-husbands mom and step father from Church, they are (were?) friends of my mom and dad's. He used to call every night and say, "hi, this is Dad, just calling to say that I love you." I do miss him. But he is probably having the time of his life up in heaven!

Too much death in too short a time. My sister died on Good Friday, My father in law on Mother's Day, we were just holding our breath through Father's day but we made it! Thank you God!

Let's see what else is going on....my youngest son will go live with his Dad the second half of the summer and then stay there and live with him. I will only get to see him every other weekend. My heart is breaking with this and I don't care to discuss it beyond that.

My daughter is having a difficult time in her teenage years and we have some very serious issues to deal with. Again I don't want to discuss it beyond that but if you are a person who prays please throw prayers up for my daughter. God knows her name and the needs there.

My artwork is falling by the wayside somewhat. My job is so emotionally draining that when I come home I don't have the energy for anything past that. I crash plain and simple. If I were alone, I would probably come home and go right to bed, it is that bad. I hate my job, but, the bright side is, I have a good paycheck, and the bills are getting paid.

I would like to go hibernate for about 3 weeks on a beautiful island with nothing but my books and some art supplies, such as my sketch book, watercolors and computer with no internet just my illustration software. Ah..that would be heaven.

My oldest son turned 18 yesterday. It is hard to believe I have an 18 year old but I do and he is a nice young man, and very talented. He drew the irish family crest for my dad for a father's day gift. I am so proud of him!

Well that is all for now. I am going to go learn how to blog from my cell phone so I can post more often!

Up to date

I haven't blogged for a while and I miss it. It has been a very hectic past few months. My classes were consuming, I had the flu that took me down for a whole week, and when my sister died it put me in a tailspin. She had no husband, and no children, so the work of taking care of her belongings fell to my sister, brother, and I.......oh God I just got a phone call that my father in law had an anuerysm and they are going to "pull the plug" oh God.....

In Memory of My Sister Linda

Today I had to make funeral arrangements for my Sister Linda. My mom, my dad, my other sister and I had to sit in the funeral home and figure out which casket to get, which options to forgoe and which to take. My brother mark just couldn't do it.

My sister passed away quite unexpectedly yesterday. We thought she had the flu and we guess with the diabetes that it was too much for her body to handle. We found her passed out on the floor unconcious and she was barely breathing. The paramedics worked for an hour before taking her to the hospital.

I just can't believe my sister is gone. There is a hole deep in my sole, and empty spot that just can't be there. She was the one that I called and talked to when I had bought something totally frivolous and wanted to share it with someone. She never judged me and told me that on my budget I should never have spent the money. Instead she would laugh with me and tell me the lastest, coolest thing she had gotten. Linda always could make you laugh, she was so caring and loving. Around this time of year, we would always have a unspoken competition about who would find the first bag of Brachs White Malted Milk Balls. I would call her up and say, "guess what I bought today?" and she would say - "White Malted Milk Balls! I bought them two days ago!" she always beat me! And we both agreed that they had to be the white ones because the pastel ones just didn't taste the same!

Linda was the one who put the precious scrapbooks together for each of the nephews as they were graduating from high school. Someone has to do that now. It is a family tradition and no one could do it like Linda. She squeezed so much in to a 24 hour period that sometimes it amazed me. She seemed to be busy all the time. I remember sitting at our parents house cutting out shapes for her preschool class. She got the Golden Apple award just last month! A huge honor and the first preschool teacher to ever receive one!

Linda was my designer, I needed advice on how to organize my house and she came up with such great ideas! She had such an energy about her.

She used to call me up and ask her to help her with a computer problem and then would apologize because I had to come over and help her. I never told her how much I enjoyed those times. I told her how it was okay I didn't mind, but I never told her how much I enjoyed those hours sitting in her home office talking and sharing and discussing the things going on in our lives. I treasured those moments and I am not sure I ever told her. I thought there would be many, many, more.

We are never promised tomorrow, but when tomorrow doesn't come for a person who is young it is devastating. It feels like a dream.

Well she is probably no longer feeling crummy, or in pain from her fibermyalgia, and she is probably having a great time with grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could talk to her one last time. It had been a week and a half since I last called her.

I feel like the tears will never ever stop. It just doesn't seem right.

I miss you big sister, I really, really miss you.....

It's been awhile!

Let's see - where to begin.....the dog is settling in nice and doing very well. He is a houdini, having gotten off the leash and run away 3 times and slipped out the door 2. The last time I threw up my hands and said said, "oh well...." and let him run. A neighbor caught him and brought him back, he is on major lock down now. The new fence should be up in the next two weeks, then he will be able to run.

Work - hate my job, I stick it out because it is a pay check. There is very little creativity and it is killing me. I think my supervisor knows that too, but the funny thing is she takes away more and more of the creative projects all the time. And she is soooooo moody - bipolar I think - happy one day, angry, brooding and snappy the next. I wish I could find another job, but I can't seem to find one so I guess I am supposed to stay there. GRRRRRRRR I am talented, gifted and a great designer, is it my age that makes it hard to find a job? I would think companies would want experienced designers instead of young people who get the experience and move up and out!

Motherhood - I am finding it very challenging being the mother of a teen age girl. Enough said.....

Artist - I entered a show out in San Diego a really big deal, I should find out next week if I was accepted. Considering the last show had over 3900 entries and only 200 were accepted.......it will be a huge honor if I do get accepted! I haven't done too much with my art, by the time I get home from work and I am too stressed I don't feel like creating art. I am taking a drawing class on Saturday's and I love that but again that is the only time I am creating.....sigh...big sigh.......

My webdesign business is picking up that is a good thing.

New Dog

I finally did it! I found a Norweigen Elkhound that I liked, that was close by, and for the right price! I have been looking for 3 years but the time wasn't right until now! I am so excited. He is such a good dog, he is 5 years old and very well behaved. His official name is Sir Rudolph but we call him Buddy. The only annoying thing is that he wines a lot for no apparent reason, but I am hoping that will dissapate with time as he learns to communicate with us and relaxes.

He has taken to my 13 year old son which just thrills me! My son and him are enrolled in dog obiedience classes and my son wants to be in 4-H with the dog! I am so tickled! My son has never shown much interest in participating in anything and this is just what I have been looking for. The dog is a quick learner and my son is doing such a good job with him. After just one lesson the dog is heeling, sitting, and staying!

Isn't he beautiful?

New Years Resolutions

Here is my list of New Years Resolutions:

First foremost and most importantly:
Contentment in all things...if I achieve this then all the rest will fall into place.
Contentment that I am where I am supposed to be with my job, that another door will open when the time is right for me to leave.

Eat healthier and Exercise more (yada yada yada - same as every other american in this world).

Listen more to the kids.

Fix up my house....gotta love that paycheck, eh?....learn contentment...

Read less about art and work more on creating it!

Draw more, and doodle even more.

Work hard at getting my sense of humor back....maybe I should hang around LuAnn more...she makes me laugh!

Never make a list of New Years Resolutions again...ha ha! This is the first one I have ever made in my whole life. I always thought they were a colossal waste of time. ha ha. So there you have it.

So Sweet!

I have had the whole week off from work. It has gone by way too fast. But it has been the best week I have had in a long time! I have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

One bit of an update on what is happening in my life. I found out the last day of the semester, the last test of the last day of graduating with my BFA in Computer Art and Design that I only have 5 classes to get my BA in Anthropology and that they will be teaching a class in Visual Anthropology next semester. I didn't even know there was such a thing as visual anthropology, and upon further investigation it seems like the perfect blend between my artistic, photography and creative skills and my interest in history, people, archaeology and anthropology. It is very exciting! Since there are next to NO jobs in the design field in my town maybe this will open new doors for me. If you haven't figured it out so far I am pursuing my Bachelors of Anthropology degree. A friend of mine was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to put BS behind my name....ha ha!!

I bought a book that reflects on the thought - "if you have one hour to live, who would you call and why are you waiting?".....something to think about. I must go read that book now! ta ta! Ciao!

Corporate personalities

Is it possible that there are just some people that are not cut out to work in the corporate world? I think I might be one of them. I hate my job. I love the money, love the work but the politics and the stupid people just amaze me.

Do you know that no one decorated for christmas in any way at work? Do you know there were no carry in's, no gift exchanges, no holiday atmosphere, just everyone leaving early and as soon as they could to get out of that place. It is so oppressive in this place. I feel like I am suffocating, drowning as a matter of fact. There is no creativity, it is just robotic, "this is what we want so do it...make it happen...." sigh..... I yell at God, I beg God, I plead with God, - GET ME OUT OF HERE! I look for jobs, I submit resume after resume hoping that someone will get me out of here, but no....I must stay. I really enjoy the paycheck, even if it is low on the pay scale for my field, but that guaranteed paycheck is certainly nice. I think God is having me work on being content no matter what situation I am in. I just cry when I think about going back to that place. I am SOOO looking forward to the next week off.
If you are reading this and you are a praying soul, please pray that God would do something in my situation at work!

Christmas Fun!

Here is a little Christmas Fun!
Click the link below, it takes a while to load but definitely worth the wait!

watch these pictures in animated form! Hysterical CLICK HERE

Update...

I have been so busy lately with my senior show and getting everything ready for my graduating "ta-da" that I haven't had much time for blogging.
Life is still happening, I am in the midst of a rebellious teen ager that is floundering in her life path. It is sad to watch, and most frustrating given the fact that I have been down that path and I with all of my wisdom and knowledge of what she could do to make her life better, just ring like a loud annoying clanging bell in her ears. I had someone tell me that if they had it to do all over again they would pray more......pray without ceasing has taken on a whole new meaning in my life, and amazingly I see it working!

I am believing that her true strength and character will come through and that we have started being proactive before it went to far - hopefully. But there have been some things put into motion that are going to make life very difficult in the next year or so.

Now changing subjects I have a job! And a good job at that! Working for a large automotive company. I get to use all of my skills in photography, videography, graphic design and I am running a broadcasting station for the whole plant. It is a good job and I love the work....I hate the politics and the pull between company and union. I wish they would all grow up....I will stay there until God directs me to a different place doing something different. I pray it is soon, but I am committed to this company until then. My position is a source of contention. The company wants a company person in my position, the union wants a union person in my position. It is a very insecure feeling job. Will you have a job after the next contract agreement? Are you being set up to fail, by not being told the truth by the other person? For instance I was supposed to go take a photo, but was told i didn't have to only to find out that I should have, and then I get the funny little comments from the big wigs of the union because I didn't show....stupid games like that. Oh bother!

So that is all for now! I will be blogging more after my senior show. Which is Friday, Nov. 2 for those of you who know me and want to come. Email me and I will send you the where at info so you can share with me as I graduate! This is a big moment for me. Almost the official graduation ceremony in my eyes.

So Much has happened.....

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I got a new job...and not just any job but my dream job! I get to shoot video, edit the video and put together videos, photography and graphic design! I am so thrilled! And the pay is GREAT!!! Now instead of being behind the eightball I am at least breaking even. Sad but true....I don't have money for extras but at least the necessary bills are paid! Huge blessing! It certainly takes a big chunk out of my day, what with a 40 minute drive (on the highway none the less) both ways, and the eight hour day, but that is okay. I am happy. The extreme tiredness is beginning to wear off, and I am beginning to have more energy in the evenings again.
It's funny when I look at what my budget is and I only added food, a little more on a new car payment, a little more gas, and little more on insurance and I am breaking even, I wonder how I was ever making it with my freelancing (since that was next to nothing). I think God has showed me that He was doing more than I ever suspected!

Yes..I do have a new car! A Pontiac G6 (a funny sidebar, I work on a Mac G5 all day and drive a G6) It is so nice to be back in a pontiac again. I truly love pontiac's and I found sales man there that if he stays with Pontiac I will go back to him time and time again. I like him. If you know me ask and I will give you his name.

It has been a big adjustment for the kids. Me being gone all day, instead of being home, but after this semester of school they should have a lot more of me.
This is my last semester of school at college. I will be graduating with a BFA in Computer Art & Design. This is a long time coming, and I am going to the graduation ceremony and having an open house all of this in the spring even though I am graduating this fall. COUNT ON IT! I have worked too long and too hard to get to this point to not go through the motions and celebrate my accomplishments with those people who surround me in my daily life.

I am having trouble getting the freelance commitments I made accomplished and for that I feel bad, I am doing the best I can, with the energy I have. I can see why people pump themselves full of caffeine. I have not stooped to that yet, since I feel the health risks far outweigh the energy, maybe more exercise would help...

Anyway ta ta for now! (As Tigger would say!)
Life is good.....

Life Changing News.....

Good news! I finally have a good paying job after many many months of trying to find one or trying to make money to make ends meet! I got a job with a huge corporation in the auto industry doing video, video editing, photography, and some graphic design work! And it pays well!
I look for my life to change drastically from this point on....no more late bills or disconnect notices! Whooo hoooo! Now I must work hard to rebuild my credit.
I am concerned as a mother about how this will affect my children who have been quite spoiled by having me around all the time. There will have to be adjustments made. But I am sure they will appreciate the fruits of my labor. My youngest son has outgrown his bike a long time ago and has never had a new bike, he will have to ride his bike back and forth to school now, so I plan to buy him a new bike! I can't wait!
And maybe a dog to help keep the kids company? We will see!
Another big change is the fact that I must get rid of my car. It is a Honda and this is an american car plant....yikes! NOT a good thing! So I must work on this right away....

More to come at a later date....

whooooo......

THat is the equivalent of a big sigh.....I found out this week that I am getting laid off from the only steady income I have. Good news is I have 2 potential websites to work on, that should bring money in. So....it all works out for the best. I will have more time to work on those websites.

And I think I have found a scholarship to help me with my camera situation. My camera quit focusing, and the camera repair shop I took it to said it was too old. It is only 5 years old! Well anyway, I can only borrow the multimedia labs camera at school for short times and usually not when I have the time to go take pictures. I have to take pictures for my senior project, this fall and fashion them into my designs. I went to the women's studies department at IPFW and they are working to help me get a solution figured out. hoooray!

My first solo show tonight for my artwork. I am excited yet nervous! I have invited 100 people by email and handed out 250 postcards. If all I had to do was show up and interact with people I would be fine. But I don't know what is expected as the norm for a opening. Am I supposed to have wine, cheese, crackers, hor duerves and such? I can't afford that. I decided to use a creative bent instead and bought 3 HUGE bags of M&M's and sorted them by color and then bought cupcake papers and I plan to create a kaleidoscope design out of the cupcake paper filled with M&M's. I wish I could do something more. Ah well, someday!

My books....

I wanted to post about my books, not too many people know that I have two books in the works.

The first book, a book on front porches, people in my hometown on their front porches. A book to revive the front porch culture of america. There is so much that happened when people stopped sitting on their front porch. Do you know that crime went up when people stopped sitting on the front porch? Do you know why people stopped sitting on their front porches? Two things brought it on. The first was air conditioning. When people started installing air conditioning they didn't want to sit on the hot front porch anymore. And TV came out around the same time. No longer did people want to sit and visit on the front porch, they wanted to watch this new invention and stay cool. No longer did people keep up with their neighbors, they didn't know what was going on with each other. And think about it. If you lived in a neighborhood where everyone sat on the front porch porch at night, how many drug dealers would you have living in YOUR neighborhood? A LOT less. This is a book that would be easy to get on a soapbox about and go around and lecture with a multimedia presentation.

My second book - "Saved By An E-mail" a collection of over 3000 emails between a person struggling with so many issues in their life - divorce, single parenting, abuse, addictions, depression and a Pastor/Counselor trying to effect real change in that persons life. Follow along in this book to see how this person starts a journey of positive life changing habits and changing of thought patterns to become a healthy productive individual achieving great things in their life. A story sure to help everyone that has struggled with life, that they too can overcome difficult situations to come out a winner! Afterall who doesn't want to read someone else's emails? ha ha!

Life is....

I have had a cloud hanging over my head. I shouldn't, a lot of exciting things are happening, but still the depression hangs there ominously. I can't seem to shake it. I get to meet Patty Duke tomorrow, a get together with her and a few others, wow! How exciting is that? I have admired Patty Duke and been a fan for a long time!

I found out today that I have a gallery show June to July, how awesome is that? A local art gallery set up a show for me at a chic beer and pizza joint. I mean this is what I have been striving for right?

So why does this cloud linger? I am over this, I have moved past this depression, I have changed my attitudes I claim good things, I, I, I, damn this depression.....will it never go away?

Of course after learning about Picasso, Matisse, Jackson Pollock and others I am in the company of great! So I should be glad for the depression, maybe it is a gift, maybe that depression is the very same thing that feeds my creativity, maybe it is the thing that makes my artwork great. Maybe it is because of what ever causes the depression causes the creative part of my brain to explode with sparks of ideas that I can use to create works of art?

Now if the depression will just hold off long enough that I can study well enough to get through my final. I pray it does. Because when that fog settles in it is hard to focus on anything.

I like this philosophy

I have a college professor that I admire. I really like his style and his philosophies, he wrote this on his blog:

How realistic am I?

One day I want to be a published author and spend my days writing, painting and doing the ocassional lecture. Is that realistic? I think so. Is it a dream? Sure. But why not dream big. I've done my best to surround myself with friends who are positive and who are actively pursuing their own dreams. I've lost some friends and aquaintences by doing this, but the way I look at is like this...if you have a talent, a gift, use it. If all you're going to do is complain about how cheated you are by life, God and everyone, because you aren't the success you thought you were going to be, then I don't want to hang with you. Go away. - Allen Etter

I have been beginning this same attitude the last few months and this so eloquently sums up what I have been trying to achieve. I am getting rid of the negative people surrounding me, as much as I would like to change them they must do it themselves. I have been working on keeping my attitude positive and looking for the good things. Much as Allen has stated that he has lost some friends and acquaintances this way I too feel some of the people around me slipping away. I am going to be the same as the people I surround myself with. Like attracts like. I choose to attract success and happiness and postivity in my life. Like my professor, I too want to be a published author and pursue my artwork and lecture or teach (I have two books in the works, and I am promoting my artwork). I want to make this world a better place. Jesus did not focus on the bad things in a persons life, He always emphasized the positive aspects. Celebrate your talents, gifts and the steps of change you achieve every day, keep your eyes on the long term but focus on the here and now. One day at a time....

Cool Puzzle site

This is a mathmatical 3D spatial puzzle - very cool and harder than I thought it would be. Be careful you might lose a few hours!

BLOCK PUZZLE


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hmmm.....

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Sigh...

Last night I had to drop my youngest son off with his dad, Olivia was there and she would come around and talk to me even though I asked her how school went. Is she ignoring me? Is she ashamed? Is she mad at me? Does she really hate me? These are questions I can not dwell on. I love her and hope she comes back to me someday.

My heart still feels heavy but I am trying to over come that. I do NOT want the depression to settle in again. I must keep journaling and doing what I know to fight off the cloud that is threatening to settle over my head.

Random thought:
I was setting goals for myself and when it came to weight loss I want to lose 70 pounds. That doesn't sound like so much when you hear stories of people losing 150 pounds! 70 seems like it would be pretty easy! I must do it by this fall, now that might be the tricky part!