Positive Attitudes

I am going to try to have a more positive attitude. No one likes a downer. Plus the doctor put me on a new medicine and I think I feel a little better now. So I am going to try to be more positive.
My fingers and arms seem to not be my own, they don't want to move the way I want them to move, I am thinking meds again, hopefully these will ease up.
The kids and I went and walked around Jefferson Pointe last night that was a nice time, and better yet, my oldest son drove and I got to "relax" in the back seat. Does a parent ever really relax riding with their child in the car? He is only 16 years old, I guess it will take some time to adjust to that. We got on the highway (not an ordinary thing in our city) and that was a white knuckle experience! ha ha! Seriously he is a good driver I just think that it is hard to not see him as my baby behind that wheel.

Another first for me. The kids stayed up and watched a movie. I was so exhausted that I went to bed and left them up! Wow! That was a strange experience, I am so used to tucking them in, saying good night and the whole ritual that just going to bed was weird of course I was so tired it didn't keep me from going right to sleep!

I am really excited about some of the things our church is doing. We are trying to unite the artists in the church as a bible study group. Not just the oil painters but any one creative whether in their job or as a hobby. Architects, commercial artists, musicians, photographers and so on! It should be exciting, I am looking forward to it! I am wanting to meet new people.
Speaking of church - I must get everyone up and ready to go. Bye!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Health

You don't realize how important your health is until you have problems....not something to be taken for granted. I was told this week, that my kidneys are calcifying (there is a million dollar name for this but I can't remember it) and only functioning 60% - that is why I am so tired. There is nothing they can do for it, they can't reverse the damage that has been done, but if I drink 3 quarts of water a day or more I can slow it way down. I feel like I am floating away and I can't quite get the 3 quarts down - yet. I am working on it. Then I was told I have sleep apnea and one of my doctors said that could be the reason for my depression. I have to go back to the sleep clinic and sleep with one of those machines. UCK! I still have one more test to do in August and I am hoping it will bring good results, but I don't think it will, I KNOW there is a problem there.sigh...All this is piling up on me along with all the other problems and I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I did realize that being around people makes me feel better than staying home and avoiding people because I don't have the strength for it. I wish I could explain to people that it is not that I don't want to be around them it just takes energy that I don't have to get there, to sit there and to make conversation. The fatigue is the worst part, I am used to going 100 mph. I went to a Wed. Bible Study and I felt so horrible but I was there and I stayed. It was so good to talk to everyone and hear their stories from a recent trip.
You know what mystifies me is the doctor ask me, "who else in your family has kidney problems?" my response? No one....another doctor "who in your family has endometriosis? my response? No one...another doctor "who in your family has colon problems?" my response? No one....I asked my mom if I was adopted because I don't fit in our family. They all laughed and said I just got the bad end of the gene pool. I am the black sheep of the family and now medically I don't fit in. Could there be just one thing that causes all this? What can I do to make things better? Eat healthy, exercise and get sleep. Maybe it is the sleep apnea causing it all because my body can't get a good enough sleep to repair itself. who knows one can second guess every situation and drive themselves nuts. Sigh...I did find out that if I go to the balcony at church that I can sit down when I am tired and I don't feel conspicious. I wish I could have my energy back.

Lucky?

I don't feel lucky. I was told today that people don't want to hire people who are not good looking.....in other words.....you are fat and so that is why you can't find a job....they did not say it in an unkind way, nor mean it maliciously. I am never eating again....well at least not very much. No more pop or juice - water only, I have been neglectful to let my self get so big. I was a size 9 when I got pregnant with my third child, it was a wonderful pregnancy and since I felt good I ate a lot, I will take it off I said, but I was too busy chasing kids that I didn't take care of myself - big mistake and now I have to do something about it. From this day forward only very small measured bites will enter these lips. Aside from my sucky financial situation and things looking overwhelmingly bleak, I am never going to get a job - because I am fat, because I have poor credit because of my ex-husband. Just because.....and GOD is in control of it all isn't he? He really doesn't give a damn, no miracles in his pockets. I am glad the kids are going to camp (on a scholarship) next week, because there is not going to be much food in the house after this weekend. And I am not eating so that will be just fine.
I can't drive my car any where or at least I shouldn't because the plates are expired, and the church helped with that but of course the mail the check and since the bmv is not open again until Tuesday......the electric is due to be cut off next Friday, and I have not income coming in from anywhere. The gas is due to be shut off sometime next week, I just ignore it, maybe I won't need it. My rent went up to $805 dollars and I have no money anywhere, and I can't find a job. You know I just can't see a solution, I keep applying for jobs but.....what's the point? I don't have the energy or any kind of bubbly attitude to do a good interview. I am angry, angry at this world and angry that I have talent but because of other circumstances that have nothing to do with how well I could perform a job they won't consider me.

Life is not fair...

Single mom, I make $900 minimum on a good month I make $1500. I have a car payment, I have rent which was $640 and has been slowly raised, today I was told that it is to be $805 a month. I am driving on expired plates (only when necessary) I just spent my last dollar on bread, and I have no income at the moment. What's nuts is I have talent coming out the wazoo I have skills that should land me a job anywhere, but I can't get a job at any of the major retail stores, or any of the major fast food stores and I can't get anyone to hire me for a graphic design position, I not good enough in one area and too good in another. Go figure.
I thought I was done moving, I thought I would stay here for the next 40 years, I thought my kids could finally relax and feel like they were secure and we had a place to call home. But it is not to be, I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions right now, but I must I feel a strong need to do something. I think I can sell the car and get an older car, I can move, my dad holds the mortgage but if we put it up for sale and I try to pay the rent until it sells then maybe I can find someplace much cheaper. The kids and I slept in basement, we could do it again.
Really? I can't handle it, it is way more than I can deal with. They say there is a God, I believe that to be true. They say He won't leave you or forsake you, I am not so sure about that anymore, I feel very abandoned and very forsaken. I don't see but one way out.
If you are reading this and you are contemplating divorce please don't. Do what ever it takes to get counseling to work it out. My ex husband abused me physically, I sometimes think the pain I am feeling now hurts worse than any pain he could have inflicted on me.

Today

My sister yelled at me today and told me that I didn't have any idea the stress she was under and what she sacrificed for her company. Does she have any understanding of what I have sacrificed? Obviously not, I had a successful freelance business going and I put it on hold in order to help her build her company because I believed in her and I and what we could do together. It was when I started working for her and quit building my freelance work up that I started having money problems. She used to pay me $30 an hour for projects then she pulled me into the company and I went willingly believing that we would grow, and started paying me $8 an hour and then that went from 40 hours a week to 10-15 and yes she sacrifices her pay sometimes and I always get paid, but who's choice is that and why should she hold that over my head? I think that is the same thing as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die scenario.
I went from being able to pay all my bills to not being able to pay any of them, well guess what? I am going to start building up my business and start getting money in again! hallelujah!

I hate life

No deep philosophies, just I hate life, it's too much work trying to figure everything out.

K-scopes

Here is my sanity. This is what keeps me going right now. They give me purpose and life...and maybe income (I still don't have a day job) I take the pictures then assemble them. a 20x20 is $600 a 10.5x10.5 is $300 unless of course you need a customized one then.....we'll talk.

Chalk Walk

Here is what I did last weekend.
I really had a lot of fun!

Affirmations

I have so wanted to keep this blog positive, but the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders and I can't shake it off. Depression is a bad thing, I can't seem to shake it off, it is as if I have a huge weight tied to each of my appendages and I can't pick the weight up and lug it around any more. I don't want to put one foot in front of another, but I must. My kids cause me so much grief right now because of them being teenagers, well all except my youngest he is so sensitive to what is going on. My daughter is 13 and is just please as punch to bring all her drama into my world and then think it is no big deal. If only she knew how it is almost more than I can handle right now, if only I could let her know that I am at a breaking point and enough is enough. My oldest boy is a little more aware but he really needs a servant, someone to wait on him hand and foot. I don't have the energy for it.

I need a job, I am good at what I do and I would make someone an excellant employee. I will no longer need to stress out about the bills that go unpaid.

I feel like God wants to squash me. Today I accidently got into a hornets nest, under my mom's porch railing. I was being swarmed by hornets, I only got stung twice but boy did those two times hurt like the dickens. The last time I was stung by a hornet I was physically sick for 3 days. We shall see.....

When will it ever end? It feels like never.

ART FAIR!!

Today is the art fair, I am so excited I can't wait to go. This is one event that makes my heart leap, makes me look to the future, makes me hopeful. I love to go to the art fair, because it inspires me and gives me knew ideas and makes me feel alive again. I can't wait. I so admire all of those artists that participate in this event. There are bead artists there, painters, photographers, glass artists and more. The board that chooses artists for this fair does a really good job of picking out the best of the best. I can't wait!

I have been making some artwork of my own and I will post them in the next post. I think I have finally found my niche as to what I am good at, what I enjoy and what people will like. I love art!

this and that....

There seems to be so much! My oldest son turned 16 on Thursday. Wow! 16! Where has the time gone? I looked back through the pictures and it is hard to believe that cute little curly haired imp is almost a man. At 6'3" you would think I would see that young man but I don't somehow I still see that little curly haired baby, it is weird how that works. In one month I will be turning my baby loose on his own into the world when he begins driving on his own. Scary thought. But he is a good driver although distracted easily, typical of youth.


I went to that job interview and they were just trying to bump up their freelance list, not hire anyone. Sigh....I have several hundred other resumes and applications put in but no one calls me. I don't get it. I am talented, and very skilled and yet the doors don't seem to be opening. And yet the bills that aren't paid continue to stack up, I have never not paid my bills, but I can't pay them, and it is not credit cards and extravagant debt that I have. It is utilities, doctor bills and house and car. What is going on? I don't get it.

Health

I have come to think of health as the most valuable thing you can own, if you can really own such a thing. When I was young people didn't think about exercise as a way of life. I was skinny I played softball 6 days a week, I ate what I wanted and stayed skinny. The health problems I had just seemed a natural part of life, I went through the the steps did what was required by the medical staff and got through it. The problems never went away, they have just changed and the older I get the more critical they seem to be.

I used to be skinny, weight was never an issue in my life, until after a nine hour surgery that split me open top to bottom, then the weight started. But now all of a sudden it feels like I have a huge bowling ball in my gut. It is not soft but hard and it makes it hard to breathe and now the doctor has told me that I have diabetes, and my kidneys aren't functioning properly, but yet my diabetes can be controlled by my diet no meds. Yet I feel so terrible, no energy, I can barely stay awake, I have went from working from 5 am to 11 or 12 midnight to barely being able to function. I HATE THIS! And so I decide I am going to lose weight, after all everything I put in my mouth feels like it is poison to my body, I am afraid to eat anything, and what I think are the right food choices I find out they are the wrong choices. So what happens? I gain 10 pounds! How can that be I eat less and have even started walking even though I don't have the strength to put one foot in front of another, and I gain weight.....sigh.......There is a class with the Diabetes Association but it costs $300 and insurance won't pay for it. I don't have money to even buy food, or pay the bills so how can I afford the cost of that class. Seems like scholarships or grants would be nice for those people who are serious about adjusting their life but can't afford it. And while I am griping - what about insurance? They would rather pay the thousands of dollars mopping up the mess instead of preventing the problem to begin with? What is wrong here? Or a better question to ask might be - What have I done to myself?

And then there is this issue, I have a job interview on Monday, I really want this job, it is about 3 blocks from home, I could walk on a nice day, it is doing what I do best logo design, and web design. I really want this job (I hope it pays well!) But is it right, on my part to go to work for a small company having the health issues that I do and will I be able to work for them the hours they need and all that a full time job entails? I have 7 different doctors - appointments in May and June alone! Is it fair to them? I wish God would answer my prayers and make it clear!
If you read this and you pray please pray that I get the job if it is God's will.

The kids have been troopers but yet -The kids say "mom you can you eat that? or should you eat that?" and I don't know, I honestly don't. I would be satisfied with vegetables the rest of my life but think there is more to it than that. You know at times I have been almost anorexic in my life going a few day with out eating just because food didn't sound good, it seems like there is some irony in here somewhere, now that I have to eat to live and and in order to live I must eat. I hate food, a meal pill would be great.

Favorite Quote - Eden

This is the quote of the day that I saw on a church sign:

It wasn't the apple, it was the pair.

I love it!

Too Funny!

This is from http://www.getahuman.com/us/
You know when you are prompted to push numbers in order to get where you want to go in a phone system? I thought these where funny!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Sigh.....

Man, I have been the Gestapo this week. I came home from work on Friday to find out that my daughter had all of her friends in the house. That broke our "no friends in the house" rule while I am not home. I told her there were consequences and then she wanted to take all of her friends to "work" with her. (She helps at the dance studio and they in turn discount some expenses) I said no, she was going to work not socialize. Then she called me every name in the book and went ballistic. She ended up being grounded for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! And the bad part is I grounded her from the kids hanging out at our house after school. Which I love. But so does she and so do they. I had to make them all realize I mean business. They are not going to take advantage of me, or break the rules.

Good news is we patched things up last night and I feel like I have my daughter back if even somewhat tenatively. We "bonded" last night and as a result of that, I have purple metallic finger nail polish on! Do you know the last time I had finger nail polish on? I think I let my daughter polish my finger nails when she was 4, and that was the first time! Even then I only kept it on for a few hours. You know it is kind of growing on me! They do look pretty cool! ha ha! What lengths we parents will go to just to show our children that we love them! It just dawned on me that the kids probably don't even realize that. What did my parents do that I overlooked? I will have to do some reminiscing!

Parenting is tough!

Boy parenting is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. You have to guide kids to make the right choices and if they don't want to make the choices that you know are good for them you have to decide what to do.

Case in point: myspace.com ......instinctually I feel that my space is a bad thing. The kids are supposed to be 16 years old to have a myspace, yet my 15 year old, 13 year old and 11 year old all have accounts. Now I could demand that they take them down and they probably would, but I can guarantee that they would have another one up in a week that I don't know about. So it is easier to let them keep the one they do have and that I know about so that I can keep tabs on it. I have told my kids that they are not to put the city where they live or any personal inforamtion but then their friends put the city and state on, thereby giving her information out. I have uneasy about myspace.com for quite some time now, and then on nightline last night they showed how dangerous it really is. I am not out to win a popularity contest with my children and I won't win one, but there is a part of me that wants to let all the parents of these other kids know about myspace and what kind of things their kids are putting on their spaces - risque pics, things about alchol, sex, I could go into my space and give them a list of all the friends on my daughters site and have them shut them down but, that will just make it worse. Can you see my dilemma? I think educating the parents would be the best bet. But how?? I will pray that God will give me the answer.

One more thing....

It really is interesting to see how God provides, I have very little money for food but we make it stretch. Some times I will have as many as 9 kids sitting around the dinner table when I planned for 5 and it always seems like everyone gets their fill.

But you should see these kids, we laugh we talk we share we have a great time! Meal times are special.

And if you think about it could you maybe pray that a van with good gas mileage will come my way? My Honda only seat 4 besides the driver and it isn't enough for everyone to go on the road together.

Twists and Turns

Life is interesting right now. I feel like there is something on the horizon that is going to be changing life. I don't know what or in what way, but it feels like change is coming.
My house has become the hang out for the kids and their friends. It is really pretty cool, I feel like I can be an adult to these kids and care about them and encourage them in life and school. I get the feeling that many of these kids don't get much encouragement at home. I feel like a surrogate mom to some of these kids. It is really a ministry. It is not the ministry I would have chosen but then again I have often heard it said that what you wanted to do is not where God takes you.

These kids .....I don't know how to word it....I would not want to go back to being 13 ever again, especially not in today's world. These kids are dealing with things that are way more than they should have to handle at their age, and it breaks my heart that they do have to deal with it. It's sad really. I would love to share their stories with you but in the event that they ever find my blog, I would not want to blow their trust, and I want to respect their lives. But the good thing is that I can be there for them and hopefully have a positive influence in their life, even if it's for a short time.

Please pray for these kids you don't need to know the names or circumstances - God knows, and He will hear.

Archaeological Bible

I bought a new bible, I am so excited about it. I already have quite a few, but this one is special! It has mixed in and around the text, tidbits of archaeological insights. It has pictures of actual artifacts found from around the time period in that point in the bible. Or in the footnotes it gives insight into customs or traditions from that time period. It is such an awesome bible and gives such a wonderful insight into biblical times, I really like this bible. It has been fun reading it. I really should have been an archaeologist.

View the Bible on Amazon