It is funny how stress can affect me. I am not able to focus, I keep having these horrible thoughts run threw my head. The worst imaginable scenario, that whatever this mass is that they have found could be only the worst, but it could be something insignificant too, a cyst or something. I have had those before, lots of them, but my head keeps going back to the negative. What will I do about the kids if....? What will I do about paying the bills if.....? It is the if's that will kill you! I have to quit worrying about what might be and wait and see what the test on Monday reveals. I must stay on the here and now, but I can't seem to focus on my work, I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I want to sit and mindlessly watch TV or shop or read or play on the computer or do my art work. Should I just give in and go with it? I don't feel well at all anyway. Or..should I keep plugging away focusing as best I can? I play praise music, pray often and get mad at Satan and tell him off a few times a day. My God is healing me and I expect a miracle by Monday! Sigh....it really is a weight none the less, no matter how positive I feel.
Then I have a friend who is going to get demoted or fired as a friend. She has become so negative, she heaps all kinds of negativity on me when I am around her, and I don't need that negativity. I politely listen, and do my best to escape her, but last night she dumped all of her step childrens divorce and fights and cop calling garbage on me and I couldn't get away politely. I think I am going to have to throw polite out the window and be blunt. I hate to do that to someone, but right now I need positive people around me, and I don't need all of her garbage in my life. She is verbally journaling and she won't keep a journal because she is afraid that someone will read it! Well I am not going to be her journal I can NOT be her journal. It is poison to me and my mental well being and possibly my physical well-being. Satan get thee behind me!!!
Friends if you are reading this and I am sure you know who I am talking about please come rescue me when you see me cornered. PLEASE!
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