Christmas

Two days until Christmas, typically this is a "down" time for me, my depression swings in and the long dreary days of rain and no sunshine don't help any. This year it has been good - until today. I got a disconnect notice from the gas company. If only they would have waited one more week, I could have paid it with my school money. Who sends out disconnect notices two days before Christmas anyway? sigh....And I have the kids for Christmas eve and Olivia was asking what we were going to have to our "special Christmas Eve" meal. I have 3 pork chops and some baked potatoes, and no money. I know God has come through before and the TV is full of Christmas miracles, you can really believe that they can happen if you try hard enough.

I can dwell on the questions -why can't I find a job? Why can't I find freelance work, why am I poor? What have I done wrong? But when I let my mind go to those questions, the darkness threatens to invade like a fog. I can NOT go there, I have to keep positive, I have to hand it over to God and let him take control. It doesn't mean I shouldn't do my part -like call the Gas company and ask for an extension, but I can't dwell on what I can not control. Not a good time to be alone, how will I do it with the kids gone all next week? I am not sure. The Lord has provided a way to get me down to St. Louis for a long weekend, that will help, but until then the weight of aloneness will be great.

I would really like to see a Christmas miracle right here in my home this weekend.