One more day....

One more day, I pull myself out of bed and live the American Dream....ha ha ha ha! I read the book rich dad, poor dad, and realize that the american dream of working hard, getting a good paycheck, saving up a little for retirement is a waste of time. The rich didn't get rich by working hard for a paycheck, that just covered their expenses. They got rich because they took chances, they stepped out of their safe little box and on faith they leaped and landed on their feet.

I hate this life. I hate the fact that I can't trust my kids because of what their father has taught them. He has taught them disrespect towards me, towards committments, and he has taught them to be bigots, racists and angry.

Anger can be a good thing, it can force change and I am not going to sit here and wallow in this anger. Things are going to change. I don't care if I have to take a huge cut in pay to get out of this job.

I want to make a difference in this world instead of just working for the paycheck to cover the bills. I don't need things to be happy, they really only make you more miserable because you have to clean around all of those "things" and store them and they cause stress.

I would be happier working in a small town with enough money to pay the expenses if it meant doing something I love versus working at a big company and meeting the expenses in a job I hate. Money helps aid in getting to happiness, but true happiness is being surrounded by the love of those who care about you and who you care about, and making a positive difference in this world.

So how will I find this utopia?

Life just plain ole sucks....

Right now that is how I feel. I write this thinking no one reads it, so this is not a blog that is supposed to make you feel good. Get over it! I have other blogs for that.
My youngest son...let's start there. He was supposed to compete in the 4-H fair this Saturday. We have sacrificed how many Monday nights, money and time to prepare for this big event, and then he tells me he is going to go to his dad's family reunion instead...and of course his dad being the SOB that he is doesn't make my youngest son stick with his commitments...no that would constitute being a good father, which he isn't. What the hell did I sacrifice all those Mondays for? Oh sure let's put on the positive face...he learned to bond with his dog, he had fun, he met some new people...blah, blah, blah....they also said that he was most likely to win the prize. Hurt and disappointment is what I feel. I just want to be proud of one of my chidren at least, none of my kids do anything extraordinary. They are lucky to get passing grades (except my youngest) And then because I am mad at him that he won't go, he has decided that he is going to stay with his dad from this point on and never talk to me again....yes that is right. Straight from his last text message, and with the influence of his dad this is probably the truth. So I "feel" in essence like someone has ripped my heart out. Rejection reigns supreme.

Then I was supposed to go to the zoo with my oldest son and his friend today. He backed out, first it was because his friend couldn't go and he didn't want to go without her, then he came up with he had to work. All excuses....rejection reigns supreme.

Then my youngest son took the keys to his tractor with him out to his dad's, so i can't mow with the riding tractor. I must unbury the push mower and mow with it. SHIT...I hate push mowing, not to mention all the work I am going to have to do just to get it out, and pray to God that it starts after not being used for two years. The lawn is way past needing mowed. We will be fined if it is not mowed quickly.
So then I resolve myself to the fact that this will need to be done, and it dawns on me, my youngest son has also kept the keys to the padlock on the gate into the backyard. So even if I get the mower out I can't mow the backyard. I am so damn angry at life right now everything seems so overwhelming.

Between the rejection from my sons, and the constant rejection from my rebellious daughter I just don't even want to make an attempt at Life anymore. I want to go curl up in a ball somewhere and wait until this shit that is my life is over.
I can't fight back because like it or not I still have the commitment to my kids that I can't get away from. People tell me I am a good parent and yet I am treated like I am the problem. I have a commitment to family. If I weren't a responsible person, I would pack up my car with some of my books, my computer and files, my camera equipment, and be out of here....I would go anywhere a long way from here. But alas I am a chicken shit and I am stuck in this place called 'my life'....

I have had two weeks off from work, and still can't find another job, I hate my boss's leadership style (fear based management) which in turn makes me hate my job. I sit in my car and hang my head and just come near tears at the thought of even making the walk in. I give up, there must not be a god in heaven if I beg him to help me find a new job, I take all the steps and still end up in that shit hole with the abusive boss. I have even applied for jobs all over the country!

I am just so angry inside! I feel like it might burst. I hope I die sooner than later, and I refuse suicide, I mean think about it...it is proven there is life after death and that your soul is who you are, your personality with all of it's flaws and good points is what will survive, so all of this anger, and rejection, and frustration will go with me and I won't change at all, and I would still be stuck with all of this garbage in the afterlife as well as now, so committing suicide wouldn't even get me away from all of this shit. Maybe if you believe in reincarnation and being stuck to family groups and all of that, my kids were hurt by me in a past life and now they are paying me back....geez! How ridiculous is that idea?
I would like to take all the glass rootbeer bottles my son left behind and smash the smithereens out out of them...that would make me feel much better.

Wow! So much negativity! What is up with that?

I was reading over my blog and it is full of negativity. UCK! I hate people like that, how did I become one?
Well it all goes back to attitudes! From this moment on positives! Like when you write those awful christmas letters, give glowing reports and making everything sound like a positive!
I can do that too!
First off I bought a book yesterday on how to make money blogging. Sounds great! I am going to give it a whirl...want to donate...ha ha!
Olivia and I had a good day yesterday. We went out to the mall, Grandma and her went shopping and I parked my self in heaven at the book store! It was great! And just as I got checked out and was going to head out and find the two of them they showed up at the book store, what perfect timing!
It was a beautiful day yesterday, sunny, not too hot and just perfect!
Today we will go to my parents house and eat Sunday Lunch, with some family.
Life is good.....attitudes!

attitudes

I have been thinking of my attitudes lately. I have two glorious weeks off from work. I hate my job, I want to cry every time I walk in the door. The politics kill me. My boss loves fear based management, and she loads it on thick, telling me that people think I am incompetent and so on. And based on a couple of things lately, I don't think this is true at all but she just tells me that. I caught her in a lie last week and paid dearly for that. She tells me constantly to be looking for another job, and then when I have brought this up she tells me that she has only told me this a couple of times! When in reality I hear it once a week at least, but I am not going to argue with my boss so I let it go.
Anyway back to the attitudes. I don't want to go back after this two weeks off, I have tried and tried to find another job, but with no luck. I keep thinking every day, I don't want to go back...well I am practically ruining by time off by thinking of the fact that I don't want to go back instead of enjoying my time off! I must adjust that attitude!
(but I truly don't know what I am going to do if I do have to go back....sigh.....)
Snap out of it I tell myself, God has a plan...my daughter wants to move out of the state and it is very tempting, very very tempting! It just scares me - the thought of packing up everything, and moving where I don't know anyone. God would have to open the doors wide open there to get me to move. I am a bit of a fraidy cat I suppose.
At the same time I have websites coming at me that I must turn down, now what is up with that? I try to be self employed and can't find work. I get a full time job and the work just pours in! I don't get it! grrrrrrr...........

Sunday Evening

It is Sunday Evening.....tomorrow is Monday morning and back to work...I like my job for the fact that I have enough money to pay the bills, buy things, and live comfortably....but the truth is I hate my job, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, and I dislike some of the people. There are a few people there that are gems, hidden in the anger, the deceit, the game playing and back stabbing. There are several people there who are photographers, one man I have never met but been to his website, his bird photos are amazing! Check it out...Bird Photography, but I just cringe at the thought of going back to the drama at this point. And it is just that...DRAMA...with my supervisor her Union Counterpart and the fact that they dislike each other very much and they pull people in to take sides with each other. It gets really old. I don' know who to trust if anyone, and I want to do web design! Period end. I sit in my car some mornings and think I just can't do this today, I sit there gripping the steering wheel hoping beyond hope that something will happen that they must send us all home, that I will have some emergency that requires my attention away from work...anything...ANYTHING....then I take a deep breath and talk myself in to going into work, praying for strength and wisdom to get through just one more day, hoping that this is the week that I find a different position that will free me of this bondage. I will not quit and be without a job, I won't put myself and the children back into that position in these economic times but I certainly wish I could. I have even considered moving far away to find something, ANYTHING...to get out of this job. SIGH......

well O.K. then....

Well my last post wasn't really finished. I left in a rush. My father in law died on Mother's Day. He was really my ex-father-in-law but I knew him LONG before I ever met my ex-husband. I knew my ex-husbands mom and step father from Church, they are (were?) friends of my mom and dad's. He used to call every night and say, "hi, this is Dad, just calling to say that I love you." I do miss him. But he is probably having the time of his life up in heaven!

Too much death in too short a time. My sister died on Good Friday, My father in law on Mother's Day, we were just holding our breath through Father's day but we made it! Thank you God!

Let's see what else is going on....my youngest son will go live with his Dad the second half of the summer and then stay there and live with him. I will only get to see him every other weekend. My heart is breaking with this and I don't care to discuss it beyond that.

My daughter is having a difficult time in her teenage years and we have some very serious issues to deal with. Again I don't want to discuss it beyond that but if you are a person who prays please throw prayers up for my daughter. God knows her name and the needs there.

My artwork is falling by the wayside somewhat. My job is so emotionally draining that when I come home I don't have the energy for anything past that. I crash plain and simple. If I were alone, I would probably come home and go right to bed, it is that bad. I hate my job, but, the bright side is, I have a good paycheck, and the bills are getting paid.

I would like to go hibernate for about 3 weeks on a beautiful island with nothing but my books and some art supplies, such as my sketch book, watercolors and computer with no internet just my illustration software. Ah..that would be heaven.

My oldest son turned 18 yesterday. It is hard to believe I have an 18 year old but I do and he is a nice young man, and very talented. He drew the irish family crest for my dad for a father's day gift. I am so proud of him!

Well that is all for now. I am going to go learn how to blog from my cell phone so I can post more often!

Up to date

I haven't blogged for a while and I miss it. It has been a very hectic past few months. My classes were consuming, I had the flu that took me down for a whole week, and when my sister died it put me in a tailspin. She had no husband, and no children, so the work of taking care of her belongings fell to my sister, brother, and I.......oh God I just got a phone call that my father in law had an anuerysm and they are going to "pull the plug" oh God.....

In Memory of My Sister Linda

Today I had to make funeral arrangements for my Sister Linda. My mom, my dad, my other sister and I had to sit in the funeral home and figure out which casket to get, which options to forgoe and which to take. My brother mark just couldn't do it.

My sister passed away quite unexpectedly yesterday. We thought she had the flu and we guess with the diabetes that it was too much for her body to handle. We found her passed out on the floor unconcious and she was barely breathing. The paramedics worked for an hour before taking her to the hospital.

I just can't believe my sister is gone. There is a hole deep in my sole, and empty spot that just can't be there. She was the one that I called and talked to when I had bought something totally frivolous and wanted to share it with someone. She never judged me and told me that on my budget I should never have spent the money. Instead she would laugh with me and tell me the lastest, coolest thing she had gotten. Linda always could make you laugh, she was so caring and loving. Around this time of year, we would always have a unspoken competition about who would find the first bag of Brachs White Malted Milk Balls. I would call her up and say, "guess what I bought today?" and she would say - "White Malted Milk Balls! I bought them two days ago!" she always beat me! And we both agreed that they had to be the white ones because the pastel ones just didn't taste the same!

Linda was the one who put the precious scrapbooks together for each of the nephews as they were graduating from high school. Someone has to do that now. It is a family tradition and no one could do it like Linda. She squeezed so much in to a 24 hour period that sometimes it amazed me. She seemed to be busy all the time. I remember sitting at our parents house cutting out shapes for her preschool class. She got the Golden Apple award just last month! A huge honor and the first preschool teacher to ever receive one!

Linda was my designer, I needed advice on how to organize my house and she came up with such great ideas! She had such an energy about her.

She used to call me up and ask her to help her with a computer problem and then would apologize because I had to come over and help her. I never told her how much I enjoyed those times. I told her how it was okay I didn't mind, but I never told her how much I enjoyed those hours sitting in her home office talking and sharing and discussing the things going on in our lives. I treasured those moments and I am not sure I ever told her. I thought there would be many, many, more.

We are never promised tomorrow, but when tomorrow doesn't come for a person who is young it is devastating. It feels like a dream.

Well she is probably no longer feeling crummy, or in pain from her fibermyalgia, and she is probably having a great time with grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could talk to her one last time. It had been a week and a half since I last called her.

I feel like the tears will never ever stop. It just doesn't seem right.

I miss you big sister, I really, really miss you.....

It's been awhile!

Let's see - where to begin.....the dog is settling in nice and doing very well. He is a houdini, having gotten off the leash and run away 3 times and slipped out the door 2. The last time I threw up my hands and said said, "oh well...." and let him run. A neighbor caught him and brought him back, he is on major lock down now. The new fence should be up in the next two weeks, then he will be able to run.

Work - hate my job, I stick it out because it is a pay check. There is very little creativity and it is killing me. I think my supervisor knows that too, but the funny thing is she takes away more and more of the creative projects all the time. And she is soooooo moody - bipolar I think - happy one day, angry, brooding and snappy the next. I wish I could find another job, but I can't seem to find one so I guess I am supposed to stay there. GRRRRRRRR I am talented, gifted and a great designer, is it my age that makes it hard to find a job? I would think companies would want experienced designers instead of young people who get the experience and move up and out!

Motherhood - I am finding it very challenging being the mother of a teen age girl. Enough said.....

Artist - I entered a show out in San Diego a really big deal, I should find out next week if I was accepted. Considering the last show had over 3900 entries and only 200 were accepted.......it will be a huge honor if I do get accepted! I haven't done too much with my art, by the time I get home from work and I am too stressed I don't feel like creating art. I am taking a drawing class on Saturday's and I love that but again that is the only time I am creating.....sigh...big sigh.......

My webdesign business is picking up that is a good thing.

New Dog

I finally did it! I found a Norweigen Elkhound that I liked, that was close by, and for the right price! I have been looking for 3 years but the time wasn't right until now! I am so excited. He is such a good dog, he is 5 years old and very well behaved. His official name is Sir Rudolph but we call him Buddy. The only annoying thing is that he wines a lot for no apparent reason, but I am hoping that will dissapate with time as he learns to communicate with us and relaxes.

He has taken to my 13 year old son which just thrills me! My son and him are enrolled in dog obiedience classes and my son wants to be in 4-H with the dog! I am so tickled! My son has never shown much interest in participating in anything and this is just what I have been looking for. The dog is a quick learner and my son is doing such a good job with him. After just one lesson the dog is heeling, sitting, and staying!

Isn't he beautiful?

New Years Resolutions

Here is my list of New Years Resolutions:

First foremost and most importantly:
Contentment in all things...if I achieve this then all the rest will fall into place.
Contentment that I am where I am supposed to be with my job, that another door will open when the time is right for me to leave.

Eat healthier and Exercise more (yada yada yada - same as every other american in this world).

Listen more to the kids.

Fix up my house....gotta love that paycheck, eh?....learn contentment...

Read less about art and work more on creating it!

Draw more, and doodle even more.

Work hard at getting my sense of humor back....maybe I should hang around LuAnn more...she makes me laugh!

Never make a list of New Years Resolutions again...ha ha! This is the first one I have ever made in my whole life. I always thought they were a colossal waste of time. ha ha. So there you have it.

So Sweet!

I have had the whole week off from work. It has gone by way too fast. But it has been the best week I have had in a long time! I have thoroughly enjoyed myself.

One bit of an update on what is happening in my life. I found out the last day of the semester, the last test of the last day of graduating with my BFA in Computer Art and Design that I only have 5 classes to get my BA in Anthropology and that they will be teaching a class in Visual Anthropology next semester. I didn't even know there was such a thing as visual anthropology, and upon further investigation it seems like the perfect blend between my artistic, photography and creative skills and my interest in history, people, archaeology and anthropology. It is very exciting! Since there are next to NO jobs in the design field in my town maybe this will open new doors for me. If you haven't figured it out so far I am pursuing my Bachelors of Anthropology degree. A friend of mine was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to put BS behind my name....ha ha!!

I bought a book that reflects on the thought - "if you have one hour to live, who would you call and why are you waiting?".....something to think about. I must go read that book now! ta ta! Ciao!

Corporate personalities

Is it possible that there are just some people that are not cut out to work in the corporate world? I think I might be one of them. I hate my job. I love the money, love the work but the politics and the stupid people just amaze me.

Do you know that no one decorated for christmas in any way at work? Do you know there were no carry in's, no gift exchanges, no holiday atmosphere, just everyone leaving early and as soon as they could to get out of that place. It is so oppressive in this place. I feel like I am suffocating, drowning as a matter of fact. There is no creativity, it is just robotic, "this is what we want so do it...make it happen...." sigh..... I yell at God, I beg God, I plead with God, - GET ME OUT OF HERE! I look for jobs, I submit resume after resume hoping that someone will get me out of here, but no....I must stay. I really enjoy the paycheck, even if it is low on the pay scale for my field, but that guaranteed paycheck is certainly nice. I think God is having me work on being content no matter what situation I am in. I just cry when I think about going back to that place. I am SOOO looking forward to the next week off.
If you are reading this and you are a praying soul, please pray that God would do something in my situation at work!

Christmas Fun!

Here is a little Christmas Fun!
Click the link below, it takes a while to load but definitely worth the wait!

watch these pictures in animated form! Hysterical CLICK HERE

Update...

I have been so busy lately with my senior show and getting everything ready for my graduating "ta-da" that I haven't had much time for blogging.
Life is still happening, I am in the midst of a rebellious teen ager that is floundering in her life path. It is sad to watch, and most frustrating given the fact that I have been down that path and I with all of my wisdom and knowledge of what she could do to make her life better, just ring like a loud annoying clanging bell in her ears. I had someone tell me that if they had it to do all over again they would pray more......pray without ceasing has taken on a whole new meaning in my life, and amazingly I see it working!

I am believing that her true strength and character will come through and that we have started being proactive before it went to far - hopefully. But there have been some things put into motion that are going to make life very difficult in the next year or so.

Now changing subjects I have a job! And a good job at that! Working for a large automotive company. I get to use all of my skills in photography, videography, graphic design and I am running a broadcasting station for the whole plant. It is a good job and I love the work....I hate the politics and the pull between company and union. I wish they would all grow up....I will stay there until God directs me to a different place doing something different. I pray it is soon, but I am committed to this company until then. My position is a source of contention. The company wants a company person in my position, the union wants a union person in my position. It is a very insecure feeling job. Will you have a job after the next contract agreement? Are you being set up to fail, by not being told the truth by the other person? For instance I was supposed to go take a photo, but was told i didn't have to only to find out that I should have, and then I get the funny little comments from the big wigs of the union because I didn't show....stupid games like that. Oh bother!

So that is all for now! I will be blogging more after my senior show. Which is Friday, Nov. 2 for those of you who know me and want to come. Email me and I will send you the where at info so you can share with me as I graduate! This is a big moment for me. Almost the official graduation ceremony in my eyes.

So Much has happened.....

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I got a new job...and not just any job but my dream job! I get to shoot video, edit the video and put together videos, photography and graphic design! I am so thrilled! And the pay is GREAT!!! Now instead of being behind the eightball I am at least breaking even. Sad but true....I don't have money for extras but at least the necessary bills are paid! Huge blessing! It certainly takes a big chunk out of my day, what with a 40 minute drive (on the highway none the less) both ways, and the eight hour day, but that is okay. I am happy. The extreme tiredness is beginning to wear off, and I am beginning to have more energy in the evenings again.
It's funny when I look at what my budget is and I only added food, a little more on a new car payment, a little more gas, and little more on insurance and I am breaking even, I wonder how I was ever making it with my freelancing (since that was next to nothing). I think God has showed me that He was doing more than I ever suspected!

Yes..I do have a new car! A Pontiac G6 (a funny sidebar, I work on a Mac G5 all day and drive a G6) It is so nice to be back in a pontiac again. I truly love pontiac's and I found sales man there that if he stays with Pontiac I will go back to him time and time again. I like him. If you know me ask and I will give you his name.

It has been a big adjustment for the kids. Me being gone all day, instead of being home, but after this semester of school they should have a lot more of me.
This is my last semester of school at college. I will be graduating with a BFA in Computer Art & Design. This is a long time coming, and I am going to the graduation ceremony and having an open house all of this in the spring even though I am graduating this fall. COUNT ON IT! I have worked too long and too hard to get to this point to not go through the motions and celebrate my accomplishments with those people who surround me in my daily life.

I am having trouble getting the freelance commitments I made accomplished and for that I feel bad, I am doing the best I can, with the energy I have. I can see why people pump themselves full of caffeine. I have not stooped to that yet, since I feel the health risks far outweigh the energy, maybe more exercise would help...

Anyway ta ta for now! (As Tigger would say!)
Life is good.....

Life Changing News.....

Good news! I finally have a good paying job after many many months of trying to find one or trying to make money to make ends meet! I got a job with a huge corporation in the auto industry doing video, video editing, photography, and some graphic design work! And it pays well!
I look for my life to change drastically from this point on....no more late bills or disconnect notices! Whooo hoooo! Now I must work hard to rebuild my credit.
I am concerned as a mother about how this will affect my children who have been quite spoiled by having me around all the time. There will have to be adjustments made. But I am sure they will appreciate the fruits of my labor. My youngest son has outgrown his bike a long time ago and has never had a new bike, he will have to ride his bike back and forth to school now, so I plan to buy him a new bike! I can't wait!
And maybe a dog to help keep the kids company? We will see!
Another big change is the fact that I must get rid of my car. It is a Honda and this is an american car plant....yikes! NOT a good thing! So I must work on this right away....

More to come at a later date....

whooooo......

THat is the equivalent of a big sigh.....I found out this week that I am getting laid off from the only steady income I have. Good news is I have 2 potential websites to work on, that should bring money in. So....it all works out for the best. I will have more time to work on those websites.

And I think I have found a scholarship to help me with my camera situation. My camera quit focusing, and the camera repair shop I took it to said it was too old. It is only 5 years old! Well anyway, I can only borrow the multimedia labs camera at school for short times and usually not when I have the time to go take pictures. I have to take pictures for my senior project, this fall and fashion them into my designs. I went to the women's studies department at IPFW and they are working to help me get a solution figured out. hoooray!

My first solo show tonight for my artwork. I am excited yet nervous! I have invited 100 people by email and handed out 250 postcards. If all I had to do was show up and interact with people I would be fine. But I don't know what is expected as the norm for a opening. Am I supposed to have wine, cheese, crackers, hor duerves and such? I can't afford that. I decided to use a creative bent instead and bought 3 HUGE bags of M&M's and sorted them by color and then bought cupcake papers and I plan to create a kaleidoscope design out of the cupcake paper filled with M&M's. I wish I could do something more. Ah well, someday!

My books....

I wanted to post about my books, not too many people know that I have two books in the works.

The first book, a book on front porches, people in my hometown on their front porches. A book to revive the front porch culture of america. There is so much that happened when people stopped sitting on their front porch. Do you know that crime went up when people stopped sitting on the front porch? Do you know why people stopped sitting on their front porches? Two things brought it on. The first was air conditioning. When people started installing air conditioning they didn't want to sit on the hot front porch anymore. And TV came out around the same time. No longer did people want to sit and visit on the front porch, they wanted to watch this new invention and stay cool. No longer did people keep up with their neighbors, they didn't know what was going on with each other. And think about it. If you lived in a neighborhood where everyone sat on the front porch porch at night, how many drug dealers would you have living in YOUR neighborhood? A LOT less. This is a book that would be easy to get on a soapbox about and go around and lecture with a multimedia presentation.

My second book - "Saved By An E-mail" a collection of over 3000 emails between a person struggling with so many issues in their life - divorce, single parenting, abuse, addictions, depression and a Pastor/Counselor trying to effect real change in that persons life. Follow along in this book to see how this person starts a journey of positive life changing habits and changing of thought patterns to become a healthy productive individual achieving great things in their life. A story sure to help everyone that has struggled with life, that they too can overcome difficult situations to come out a winner! Afterall who doesn't want to read someone else's emails? ha ha!

Life is....

I have had a cloud hanging over my head. I shouldn't, a lot of exciting things are happening, but still the depression hangs there ominously. I can't seem to shake it. I get to meet Patty Duke tomorrow, a get together with her and a few others, wow! How exciting is that? I have admired Patty Duke and been a fan for a long time!

I found out today that I have a gallery show June to July, how awesome is that? A local art gallery set up a show for me at a chic beer and pizza joint. I mean this is what I have been striving for right?

So why does this cloud linger? I am over this, I have moved past this depression, I have changed my attitudes I claim good things, I, I, I, damn this depression.....will it never go away?

Of course after learning about Picasso, Matisse, Jackson Pollock and others I am in the company of great! So I should be glad for the depression, maybe it is a gift, maybe that depression is the very same thing that feeds my creativity, maybe it is the thing that makes my artwork great. Maybe it is because of what ever causes the depression causes the creative part of my brain to explode with sparks of ideas that I can use to create works of art?

Now if the depression will just hold off long enough that I can study well enough to get through my final. I pray it does. Because when that fog settles in it is hard to focus on anything.

I like this philosophy

I have a college professor that I admire. I really like his style and his philosophies, he wrote this on his blog:

How realistic am I?

One day I want to be a published author and spend my days writing, painting and doing the ocassional lecture. Is that realistic? I think so. Is it a dream? Sure. But why not dream big. I've done my best to surround myself with friends who are positive and who are actively pursuing their own dreams. I've lost some friends and aquaintences by doing this, but the way I look at is like this...if you have a talent, a gift, use it. If all you're going to do is complain about how cheated you are by life, God and everyone, because you aren't the success you thought you were going to be, then I don't want to hang with you. Go away. - Allen Etter

I have been beginning this same attitude the last few months and this so eloquently sums up what I have been trying to achieve. I am getting rid of the negative people surrounding me, as much as I would like to change them they must do it themselves. I have been working on keeping my attitude positive and looking for the good things. Much as Allen has stated that he has lost some friends and acquaintances this way I too feel some of the people around me slipping away. I am going to be the same as the people I surround myself with. Like attracts like. I choose to attract success and happiness and postivity in my life. Like my professor, I too want to be a published author and pursue my artwork and lecture or teach (I have two books in the works, and I am promoting my artwork). I want to make this world a better place. Jesus did not focus on the bad things in a persons life, He always emphasized the positive aspects. Celebrate your talents, gifts and the steps of change you achieve every day, keep your eyes on the long term but focus on the here and now. One day at a time....

Cool Puzzle site

This is a mathmatical 3D spatial puzzle - very cool and harder than I thought it would be. Be careful you might lose a few hours!

BLOCK PUZZLE


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hmmm.....

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Sigh...

Last night I had to drop my youngest son off with his dad, Olivia was there and she would come around and talk to me even though I asked her how school went. Is she ignoring me? Is she ashamed? Is she mad at me? Does she really hate me? These are questions I can not dwell on. I love her and hope she comes back to me someday.

My heart still feels heavy but I am trying to over come that. I do NOT want the depression to settle in again. I must keep journaling and doing what I know to fight off the cloud that is threatening to settle over my head.

Random thought:
I was setting goals for myself and when it came to weight loss I want to lose 70 pounds. That doesn't sound like so much when you hear stories of people losing 150 pounds! 70 seems like it would be pretty easy! I must do it by this fall, now that might be the tricky part!

Life is so empty

My daughter is gone, really gone. I know I am going to see her tomorrow night to pick her up and take her home from dance class, but the house seems so empty. Her kitty walks around like he is lost, and I feel the way he is acting!

Levi had to write a paper about a scary time in his life. He told me that it was either when I left his dad or when his sister moved out to their dad's house. How sad. Divorce is a terrible thing. If anyone is reading this and you are contemplating divorce thinking it will make your life easier....think again. It compounds the problems and makes them all worse.

I really do miss Olivia. I was told today that she did the self made tattoo because a gang at school was wanting her to join and she did not want to. She told her dad that they told her to tattoo herself or they would go after her little brother. I don't know whether to believe this or not since there have been so many lies told in the last few months, and she acts like she hates me. I don't know what to think anymore. Will we ever be friends again?

Heart pains...

My 14 year old daughter has been full of anger for about a year now, and rebellious. I have tried to get her to talk to me and she has refused to go talk to a counselor. I don't know if she is angry at me, or something at school, I just don't know. She has decided to go live with her dad. She is leaving tonight. I feel like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. A mother and daughter are supposed to have a special relationship right?

I think she is going to be less happy at her dad's. They live in a trailer in the middle of the country with no one around. He is much much more strict than I am. She has made comments that make me think that she has no concept of what the realities are going to be but I have tried to talk to her and she absolutely refuses to let me in and open up and tell me what is really going on. My heart is breaking, I wish I could save her from her decision but maybe the best thing I can do is let her go, and I will but it hurts so......

It was a bittersweet day on Saturday. A full page article with pictures of my artwork came out in the paper and my daughter decided to go live with her dad and leave me.

Great Group!

I went to a meeting with other graphic and web designers. It was great to meet new people and talk "shop". Got a lot of new sources and ideas for things! I am stepping out of my protective box of only knowing "church people". It is really exhilerating!

Click here to check out
The I-69 Visual Design Meetup!

Art Update

Well I got the email that I didn't make it into the show in San Diego....What a bummer! I was really disappointed at first, because I had this idea that I was going to take off with my art work with ease. I guess it is a due an artist must pay in order to stick with it. Rejection is part of the game. I am beginning to see that it is all about Marketing yourself and your art. I have put that on hold lately, school seems to be consuming my time. But I must get back to it. I have plenty of subject material to create new works. I must devote at least an hour each day to my artwork, whether it is marketing and promoting or creating. I would rather just create I think most artists would but it is about the marketing as much as the creating.
I would really like to make a trip to Chicago when it is warmer to get some Chicago material. I have a friend in the art world in Chicago and I have been told that Chicagoans love my kind of work.

As I read back over this I have to question why do I create my artwork? Is it to make money? Or is it for the pure joy of making it. I would have to say that it is for the pure joy of making it and showing it to others! I get a big kick out of seeing peoples faces light up when they see my artwork. It is about creating the artwork to bring joy to others. If I get some money out of it great! But I won't quit my day job just yet! ha ha! But what a dream that would be to travel around the country doing custom images and creating new ones from the world around me! WOW!
I HAVE A DREAM......... (can't you just hear that booming voice of Martin Luther King?)

Cool New Software!

I found this cool new software! Sitegrinder2. It allows you to design total websites in Photoshop and create CSS design! It is awesome! Check it out! It has allowed me, who knows how to design and layout in Dreamweaver an even greater flexibility and creativity! The learning curve is very short and I can make websites so much faster than doing it the old fashion way. I had a professor at school turn up her nose at the software when I told her what it could do. Well at one point a lot of people turned up their nose at Illustration software for the computer and now look at where we are with that. What if people has poo pooed the WYSIWYG html editors? This is the future folks! Go check it out! Bad for us web designers in a sense because it allows everyone to be a better web designer, but yet, it is so exciting! And the tutorials and video lessons are extraordinary - and - if you email customer service with a question about how to do something? Within an hour you have a complete answer back. I have not seen such customer service out of a software company for years! It will blow you away, more companies should take lessons from Media Lab software!

My second favorite SuperBowl 2007 Commercial

Thanks to Comcast I can really relate to this commercial! Ha ha! I have Connectile Dysfunction at my home!

My Favorite 2007 SuperBowl Commercial

COLTS VS. BEARS

What an exciting day it is today! The colts - our home state team - play the bears. Now we live right in the middle of both of these teams territories and the city is pretty well divided on who they want to win. You often see signs like "Go Colts - play well Bears!" I am rooting for the colts, they are, after all, our states team, and it would be so cool to have Indiana recognized for something besides Corn and the Indianapolis 500! No offense Indiana but as far as big events go we don't have a lot! You see people walking around with colts jerseys, hats, and one couple had feathers and sparkly things attached to the hats and the whole family looked that way! And that was on Friday! It really is rather fun, and the excitment in the air is palatable! There is an air of anticipation in the city. There are super bowl parties everywhere, there usually is superbowl parties but they seem bigger, more promoted somehow.

We won't be going to any parties, my daugther has been really ill, the whole past week, and the new antibiotic brought with it a new outlook for all of us that she is on the mend. It has been a horrible week of worry for me, as she was so sick. But yesterday she was up most of the day and even helped me bake, and talked to me. She did NOT have mono so that was a good thing, but what she did have we are not sure of. She has yet another doctors appointment on Monday. I am getting sidetracked here.....so we are staying home for the superbowl, which is fine by me. I love the superbowl commercials and it seems like when ever you go to a superbowl party everyone talks during the commercials (usually the best part of the whole show) and you can't catch them. Then I have to find them on the internet and watch them, hoping my connection is stable and doesn't cut out! And this really is going to be an exciting game. I love watching football, especially when it gets to the championships and the superbowl!
So our night will be spent at home. We bought some cold meats and chips and dips and we will have the customary treats for our own private super bowl party. It should be fun! The kids and I will have a ball and the show will be good! Party on Colts Fans!

PS - THE COLTS WON!
WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO! THe colts won! And what a game! Oh my gosh! It was so exciting! Indiana is on the map for something besides cars running around in circles! WHooooo hoooooooo! Do you hear me dancing in the house? Do you hear me shouting? Do you hear me screaming? Do you hear the happiness in my words? WOW! WoW! WOW! Tooo coool!

Red Letter Day - Feb. 2, 2007

The day of Feb. 2, 2007 is a retter letter day for me. I submitted 3 of my art images to a big, juried show out in San Diego. If they are accepted into the show then it will be another big red letter day! But for me, finding the confidence to submit the pictures was a big deal. I finally found a show that my artwork would "fit" into as well. The Museum of Art director said to find a show that your artwork was compliant with to submit. For instance I would not want to submit my kscope images to an oil painting show. This show is aptly called "The Art of Photography" and it is about photography, digital manipulation, and collaged photos. I fit right in! So now I will be facing extreme rejection or sky-high elation! The rejection - oh well - the trick is to not take it personally.

You go over in your head - "did I submit the right images?", "Should I submit more"?
The really cool thing is that the guy that is the judge (I have never heard of him before, but this is a new area I am venturing into) is a big wig and many people request him to look at their work and critique it but he does that rarely because he doesn't have much time, and everyone who submits to the show gets reviewed by him! He is the founding Executive Director of The No Strings Foundation, a non-profit foundation established in 2004 whose mission is to provide direct funding to photographic artists. So it is all very exciting.

I found this show in a magazine called camera arts, and after I registered I went and looked through the participants last year and a well know local photographer was in the show last year, so I feel that it is a good show.

I often feel like my path is being directed. My faith set aside, I see events happening that allows doors to open or directs my attention to certain areas that require me to take action. It is all very exciting, and I know God is the one directing these events, the waters are being stirred it seems and the waves are just starting to ripple! It is all very exciting!

Travel

I think there may be a way for me to go to Italy for a month. It fulfills an art history requirement and I would be able to get some awesome, photos for new Kaleidoscope images! I am praying about it. If it all falls into place I could go to Italy and stay for a month.

I have never been out of the country and have never had the desire to go out of the country - until now. I really want to go to Italy and see all the centuries old buildings, the landscape and the art. We will be 30 miles away from where they filmed the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun".

I am so excited!

Excitement

A local shop wants to put my work up for sale! My art work is taking off! It is so exciting! I have 5 prints framed and ready to hang this week.
I somehow have it in my head that I am going to sell them right away, we will see what the reality of that is, but I am hopeful that they will sell well. It is so exciting!

I would never have dreamed that I would even be selling my artwork 2 years ago. I would just create things and put them away in the attic, I would never let people see what I had created.

Isn't self confidence wonderful? You become confident in yourself and your skills and then everyone else sees the value in your talent too. Confidence is contagious it would seem.

Good News!

The doctor tells me I have a "Renal Mass" well I am sure you can figure out what my first thought was.....but it turns out it was a cyst on my kidney! No big deal and many people have them....whew......all those prayers panned out!

What a relief!

hanging over my head

It is funny how stress can affect me. I am not able to focus, I keep having these horrible thoughts run threw my head. The worst imaginable scenario, that whatever this mass is that they have found could be only the worst, but it could be something insignificant too, a cyst or something. I have had those before, lots of them, but my head keeps going back to the negative. What will I do about the kids if....? What will I do about paying the bills if.....? It is the if's that will kill you! I have to quit worrying about what might be and wait and see what the test on Monday reveals. I must stay on the here and now, but I can't seem to focus on my work, I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I want to sit and mindlessly watch TV or shop or read or play on the computer or do my art work. Should I just give in and go with it? I don't feel well at all anyway. Or..should I keep plugging away focusing as best I can? I play praise music, pray often and get mad at Satan and tell him off a few times a day. My God is healing me and I expect a miracle by Monday! Sigh....it really is a weight none the less, no matter how positive I feel.

Then I have a friend who is going to get demoted or fired as a friend. She has become so negative, she heaps all kinds of negativity on me when I am around her, and I don't need that negativity. I politely listen, and do my best to escape her, but last night she dumped all of her step childrens divorce and fights and cop calling garbage on me and I couldn't get away politely. I think I am going to have to throw polite out the window and be blunt. I hate to do that to someone, but right now I need positive people around me, and I don't need all of her garbage in my life. She is verbally journaling and she won't keep a journal because she is afraid that someone will read it! Well I am not going to be her journal I can NOT be her journal. It is poison to me and my mental well being and possibly my physical well-being. Satan get thee behind me!!!

Friends if you are reading this and I am sure you know who I am talking about please come rescue me when you see me cornered. PLEASE!

bad news

I got bad news from the doctor today, I have to go back in on Monday for another test. This does not sound good, but I am done worrying about something that is not true yet. So until then I am going to have a positive attitude and believe that it is nothing for now. I know something is wrong, but I am not going to listen to the words they said I am going to believe instead that God is taking care of it all and that this is just another thing that He is going to use to show people that God is in control and that He is our healer. I am going to believe that it is a huge kidney stone or something and that it will all work out. Thank you God for hearing my prayers and the prayers of your people - that you are working on my situation.

religion and politics

I have never been very active in politics. I get frustrated with it all, but here is an interesting blog about the Mayoral Candidate Matt Kelty from an indianapolis blogger.

Advance Indiana: Mixing Religion And Politics

Basilica Pictures

Here are the Basilica pictures that I took.

Traveling....

I love to travel and see new things. I have been down to St. Louis on numerous occassions and each time I fall more in love with that city. This past weekend I went to the Dale Chihuly show at the Botanical Gardens. What a fantastic show, Dale Chihuly will never let you down when it comes to one of his shows. Each one is unique and special, he tailors the show to the surruoundings of the area.

I also went to the Basilica in St. Louis. WOW! There are not many words that can describe the awe and beauty of this beautiful place of worship, my pictures don't even begin to do it justice. A must see place. It is a place I would like go back to without a group of people, in order to just sit and take in the reverant beauty of this beautiful house of God. It wasn't just about the beautiful artwork or awesome mosaics, there was a distinct feeling that God would physically show up while you contemplated all He is. Incredible place.

I thought I would share just a very small portion of all of the photos that I took, several thousand in all......very productive trip! I should have many new Kaleidoscope images soon!

more of me....

Well there are a lot more of me with my maiden name....maybe I don't want to change it back....

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 18 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Only one me...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Christmas

Two days until Christmas, typically this is a "down" time for me, my depression swings in and the long dreary days of rain and no sunshine don't help any. This year it has been good - until today. I got a disconnect notice from the gas company. If only they would have waited one more week, I could have paid it with my school money. Who sends out disconnect notices two days before Christmas anyway? sigh....And I have the kids for Christmas eve and Olivia was asking what we were going to have to our "special Christmas Eve" meal. I have 3 pork chops and some baked potatoes, and no money. I know God has come through before and the TV is full of Christmas miracles, you can really believe that they can happen if you try hard enough.

I can dwell on the questions -why can't I find a job? Why can't I find freelance work, why am I poor? What have I done wrong? But when I let my mind go to those questions, the darkness threatens to invade like a fog. I can NOT go there, I have to keep positive, I have to hand it over to God and let him take control. It doesn't mean I shouldn't do my part -like call the Gas company and ask for an extension, but I can't dwell on what I can not control. Not a good time to be alone, how will I do it with the kids gone all next week? I am not sure. The Lord has provided a way to get me down to St. Louis for a long weekend, that will help, but until then the weight of aloneness will be great.

I would really like to see a Christmas miracle right here in my home this weekend.

Finals are over!

Finals are over for this semester. Whooo hoooo! My evenings are my own again,as are the daytimes. Of course that time will be spent building my freelance work and picking up the house. House work as not been a priority in the last two weeks of classes. It is amazing how quickly the children and myself can let the house get messy! Uck! Can't wait to get it straightened up again.

I feel such a relief to be done with classes.

Whirlwind!

all photos are copyright protected ©2006 Lisa McKibben Schwaberow



Life seems to be a whirlwind of late. My artwork has taken on a life of its own, fellow artists and friends are encouraging me in my artwork and there is a lot of enthusiasm for it. The possibilities are endless. The one thing I like about my artwork is it combines my love of my city, photography, computer art, and architecture all into one whole unit. And the beauty of it is the architecture that I love so much can be appreciated in any city, and my love of Chicago can be rolled right into the picture!

Taxes....
Ug! I am not tax brained...my brain has an area - I am certain of this - that locks up, freezes and shuts down when the thought of taxes comes to mind. I want to run far away from this aspect of the whole business. I believe I might have found a way. If you display your work in a gallery then you don't have to pay sales tax, the gallery will take care of that. I must still pay income tax but that I can deal with! Any gallery owners call me!

So as I sit here postponing the 16 page paper I have to write with 16 primary sources and the two finals I must study for, I contemplate the excitement of conquering the biggest sales job of my life - my work, and I easily postpone that work a few minutes longer.....but really I must return to work on that paper. So adieu for now!

So much going on!

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am pursuing my art, or maybe it is pursuing me, doors seem to be opening wide and I feel like I am being pulled along a path, but yet, it is work on my part as well. My Kaleidoscope images are starting to gain recognition! My source of inspiration and an artist that I admire so much, Karen Thompson, (click here for her site) said my work was wonderful! Wow! She liked my work! I was so thrilled, what an honor!
I have had two people say that I should sell my work in the retail market. I am giving that some thought. I feel like I need a plan. I am not sure how I am going to do this! You can see my work at ADOTCO.
Who would think that something that gives me such joy brings joy to others.
I really must thank Rebecca-Justice Schaab, she is the one that kept encouraging me first and telling me that I could do it. The new found confidence I have in myself is a big part of the growth I feel. I must share the poem that started it all for me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I have this posted on my bedroom wall and I read it often. Life is good.....

God is Good

Wow! God is good! Here I was with no dollars, couldn't even scrape up the change anymore, Gas tank almost empty, out of milk...well I could go on but you get the picture. I was keeping my peace and trying very hard not to worry, the worry kept creeping in at times but I managed to keep my peace. Well today the kids dad paid his support and I got a check that I wasn't expecting for a couple of more weeks!

I know some of you could reason it away and say that it would have come anyway, but really I just turned in the invoice for the one check yesterday, and I got the check today! WOW! That never happens! And as for child support? Same thing - WOW! That never happens! ha ha!!

It is nice to have unexpected blessings like that, it really restores your faith.
It is Olivia's birthday today and I was worried about a present for her, well God has taken care of that in the whole of this as well. God is good!

God is confirming

I no more than decided to have a positive attitude and God confirmed it. I went to church and the message was about the power of your words and how what you speak can affect your life! Amazing!

Oh and then of course God decided to test it out by making me have a reaction to the new meds I was on. So....I don't know how to respond to that. I am having a tough time of it, but according to God's word I am being healed. RIGHT? Sigh....

Positive Attitudes

I am going to try to have a more positive attitude. No one likes a downer. Plus the doctor put me on a new medicine and I think I feel a little better now. So I am going to try to be more positive.
My fingers and arms seem to not be my own, they don't want to move the way I want them to move, I am thinking meds again, hopefully these will ease up.
The kids and I went and walked around Jefferson Pointe last night that was a nice time, and better yet, my oldest son drove and I got to "relax" in the back seat. Does a parent ever really relax riding with their child in the car? He is only 16 years old, I guess it will take some time to adjust to that. We got on the highway (not an ordinary thing in our city) and that was a white knuckle experience! ha ha! Seriously he is a good driver I just think that it is hard to not see him as my baby behind that wheel.

Another first for me. The kids stayed up and watched a movie. I was so exhausted that I went to bed and left them up! Wow! That was a strange experience, I am so used to tucking them in, saying good night and the whole ritual that just going to bed was weird of course I was so tired it didn't keep me from going right to sleep!

I am really excited about some of the things our church is doing. We are trying to unite the artists in the church as a bible study group. Not just the oil painters but any one creative whether in their job or as a hobby. Architects, commercial artists, musicians, photographers and so on! It should be exciting, I am looking forward to it! I am wanting to meet new people.
Speaking of church - I must get everyone up and ready to go. Bye!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Health

You don't realize how important your health is until you have problems....not something to be taken for granted. I was told this week, that my kidneys are calcifying (there is a million dollar name for this but I can't remember it) and only functioning 60% - that is why I am so tired. There is nothing they can do for it, they can't reverse the damage that has been done, but if I drink 3 quarts of water a day or more I can slow it way down. I feel like I am floating away and I can't quite get the 3 quarts down - yet. I am working on it. Then I was told I have sleep apnea and one of my doctors said that could be the reason for my depression. I have to go back to the sleep clinic and sleep with one of those machines. UCK! I still have one more test to do in August and I am hoping it will bring good results, but I don't think it will, I KNOW there is a problem there.sigh...All this is piling up on me along with all the other problems and I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I did realize that being around people makes me feel better than staying home and avoiding people because I don't have the strength for it. I wish I could explain to people that it is not that I don't want to be around them it just takes energy that I don't have to get there, to sit there and to make conversation. The fatigue is the worst part, I am used to going 100 mph. I went to a Wed. Bible Study and I felt so horrible but I was there and I stayed. It was so good to talk to everyone and hear their stories from a recent trip.
You know what mystifies me is the doctor ask me, "who else in your family has kidney problems?" my response? No one....another doctor "who in your family has endometriosis? my response? No one...another doctor "who in your family has colon problems?" my response? No one....I asked my mom if I was adopted because I don't fit in our family. They all laughed and said I just got the bad end of the gene pool. I am the black sheep of the family and now medically I don't fit in. Could there be just one thing that causes all this? What can I do to make things better? Eat healthy, exercise and get sleep. Maybe it is the sleep apnea causing it all because my body can't get a good enough sleep to repair itself. who knows one can second guess every situation and drive themselves nuts. Sigh...I did find out that if I go to the balcony at church that I can sit down when I am tired and I don't feel conspicious. I wish I could have my energy back.

Lucky?

I don't feel lucky. I was told today that people don't want to hire people who are not good looking.....in other words.....you are fat and so that is why you can't find a job....they did not say it in an unkind way, nor mean it maliciously. I am never eating again....well at least not very much. No more pop or juice - water only, I have been neglectful to let my self get so big. I was a size 9 when I got pregnant with my third child, it was a wonderful pregnancy and since I felt good I ate a lot, I will take it off I said, but I was too busy chasing kids that I didn't take care of myself - big mistake and now I have to do something about it. From this day forward only very small measured bites will enter these lips. Aside from my sucky financial situation and things looking overwhelmingly bleak, I am never going to get a job - because I am fat, because I have poor credit because of my ex-husband. Just because.....and GOD is in control of it all isn't he? He really doesn't give a damn, no miracles in his pockets. I am glad the kids are going to camp (on a scholarship) next week, because there is not going to be much food in the house after this weekend. And I am not eating so that will be just fine.
I can't drive my car any where or at least I shouldn't because the plates are expired, and the church helped with that but of course the mail the check and since the bmv is not open again until Tuesday......the electric is due to be cut off next Friday, and I have not income coming in from anywhere. The gas is due to be shut off sometime next week, I just ignore it, maybe I won't need it. My rent went up to $805 dollars and I have no money anywhere, and I can't find a job. You know I just can't see a solution, I keep applying for jobs but.....what's the point? I don't have the energy or any kind of bubbly attitude to do a good interview. I am angry, angry at this world and angry that I have talent but because of other circumstances that have nothing to do with how well I could perform a job they won't consider me.

Life is not fair...

Single mom, I make $900 minimum on a good month I make $1500. I have a car payment, I have rent which was $640 and has been slowly raised, today I was told that it is to be $805 a month. I am driving on expired plates (only when necessary) I just spent my last dollar on bread, and I have no income at the moment. What's nuts is I have talent coming out the wazoo I have skills that should land me a job anywhere, but I can't get a job at any of the major retail stores, or any of the major fast food stores and I can't get anyone to hire me for a graphic design position, I not good enough in one area and too good in another. Go figure.
I thought I was done moving, I thought I would stay here for the next 40 years, I thought my kids could finally relax and feel like they were secure and we had a place to call home. But it is not to be, I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions right now, but I must I feel a strong need to do something. I think I can sell the car and get an older car, I can move, my dad holds the mortgage but if we put it up for sale and I try to pay the rent until it sells then maybe I can find someplace much cheaper. The kids and I slept in basement, we could do it again.
Really? I can't handle it, it is way more than I can deal with. They say there is a God, I believe that to be true. They say He won't leave you or forsake you, I am not so sure about that anymore, I feel very abandoned and very forsaken. I don't see but one way out.
If you are reading this and you are contemplating divorce please don't. Do what ever it takes to get counseling to work it out. My ex husband abused me physically, I sometimes think the pain I am feeling now hurts worse than any pain he could have inflicted on me.

Today

My sister yelled at me today and told me that I didn't have any idea the stress she was under and what she sacrificed for her company. Does she have any understanding of what I have sacrificed? Obviously not, I had a successful freelance business going and I put it on hold in order to help her build her company because I believed in her and I and what we could do together. It was when I started working for her and quit building my freelance work up that I started having money problems. She used to pay me $30 an hour for projects then she pulled me into the company and I went willingly believing that we would grow, and started paying me $8 an hour and then that went from 40 hours a week to 10-15 and yes she sacrifices her pay sometimes and I always get paid, but who's choice is that and why should she hold that over my head? I think that is the same thing as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die scenario.
I went from being able to pay all my bills to not being able to pay any of them, well guess what? I am going to start building up my business and start getting money in again! hallelujah!

I hate life

No deep philosophies, just I hate life, it's too much work trying to figure everything out.

K-scopes

Here is my sanity. This is what keeps me going right now. They give me purpose and life...and maybe income (I still don't have a day job) I take the pictures then assemble them. a 20x20 is $600 a 10.5x10.5 is $300 unless of course you need a customized one then.....we'll talk.

Chalk Walk

Here is what I did last weekend.
I really had a lot of fun!

Affirmations

I have so wanted to keep this blog positive, but the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders and I can't shake it off. Depression is a bad thing, I can't seem to shake it off, it is as if I have a huge weight tied to each of my appendages and I can't pick the weight up and lug it around any more. I don't want to put one foot in front of another, but I must. My kids cause me so much grief right now because of them being teenagers, well all except my youngest he is so sensitive to what is going on. My daughter is 13 and is just please as punch to bring all her drama into my world and then think it is no big deal. If only she knew how it is almost more than I can handle right now, if only I could let her know that I am at a breaking point and enough is enough. My oldest boy is a little more aware but he really needs a servant, someone to wait on him hand and foot. I don't have the energy for it.

I need a job, I am good at what I do and I would make someone an excellant employee. I will no longer need to stress out about the bills that go unpaid.

I feel like God wants to squash me. Today I accidently got into a hornets nest, under my mom's porch railing. I was being swarmed by hornets, I only got stung twice but boy did those two times hurt like the dickens. The last time I was stung by a hornet I was physically sick for 3 days. We shall see.....

When will it ever end? It feels like never.

ART FAIR!!

Today is the art fair, I am so excited I can't wait to go. This is one event that makes my heart leap, makes me look to the future, makes me hopeful. I love to go to the art fair, because it inspires me and gives me knew ideas and makes me feel alive again. I can't wait. I so admire all of those artists that participate in this event. There are bead artists there, painters, photographers, glass artists and more. The board that chooses artists for this fair does a really good job of picking out the best of the best. I can't wait!

I have been making some artwork of my own and I will post them in the next post. I think I have finally found my niche as to what I am good at, what I enjoy and what people will like. I love art!

this and that....

There seems to be so much! My oldest son turned 16 on Thursday. Wow! 16! Where has the time gone? I looked back through the pictures and it is hard to believe that cute little curly haired imp is almost a man. At 6'3" you would think I would see that young man but I don't somehow I still see that little curly haired baby, it is weird how that works. In one month I will be turning my baby loose on his own into the world when he begins driving on his own. Scary thought. But he is a good driver although distracted easily, typical of youth.


I went to that job interview and they were just trying to bump up their freelance list, not hire anyone. Sigh....I have several hundred other resumes and applications put in but no one calls me. I don't get it. I am talented, and very skilled and yet the doors don't seem to be opening. And yet the bills that aren't paid continue to stack up, I have never not paid my bills, but I can't pay them, and it is not credit cards and extravagant debt that I have. It is utilities, doctor bills and house and car. What is going on? I don't get it.

Health

I have come to think of health as the most valuable thing you can own, if you can really own such a thing. When I was young people didn't think about exercise as a way of life. I was skinny I played softball 6 days a week, I ate what I wanted and stayed skinny. The health problems I had just seemed a natural part of life, I went through the the steps did what was required by the medical staff and got through it. The problems never went away, they have just changed and the older I get the more critical they seem to be.

I used to be skinny, weight was never an issue in my life, until after a nine hour surgery that split me open top to bottom, then the weight started. But now all of a sudden it feels like I have a huge bowling ball in my gut. It is not soft but hard and it makes it hard to breathe and now the doctor has told me that I have diabetes, and my kidneys aren't functioning properly, but yet my diabetes can be controlled by my diet no meds. Yet I feel so terrible, no energy, I can barely stay awake, I have went from working from 5 am to 11 or 12 midnight to barely being able to function. I HATE THIS! And so I decide I am going to lose weight, after all everything I put in my mouth feels like it is poison to my body, I am afraid to eat anything, and what I think are the right food choices I find out they are the wrong choices. So what happens? I gain 10 pounds! How can that be I eat less and have even started walking even though I don't have the strength to put one foot in front of another, and I gain weight.....sigh.......There is a class with the Diabetes Association but it costs $300 and insurance won't pay for it. I don't have money to even buy food, or pay the bills so how can I afford the cost of that class. Seems like scholarships or grants would be nice for those people who are serious about adjusting their life but can't afford it. And while I am griping - what about insurance? They would rather pay the thousands of dollars mopping up the mess instead of preventing the problem to begin with? What is wrong here? Or a better question to ask might be - What have I done to myself?

And then there is this issue, I have a job interview on Monday, I really want this job, it is about 3 blocks from home, I could walk on a nice day, it is doing what I do best logo design, and web design. I really want this job (I hope it pays well!) But is it right, on my part to go to work for a small company having the health issues that I do and will I be able to work for them the hours they need and all that a full time job entails? I have 7 different doctors - appointments in May and June alone! Is it fair to them? I wish God would answer my prayers and make it clear!
If you read this and you pray please pray that I get the job if it is God's will.

The kids have been troopers but yet -The kids say "mom you can you eat that? or should you eat that?" and I don't know, I honestly don't. I would be satisfied with vegetables the rest of my life but think there is more to it than that. You know at times I have been almost anorexic in my life going a few day with out eating just because food didn't sound good, it seems like there is some irony in here somewhere, now that I have to eat to live and and in order to live I must eat. I hate food, a meal pill would be great.

Favorite Quote - Eden

This is the quote of the day that I saw on a church sign:

It wasn't the apple, it was the pair.

I love it!

Too Funny!

This is from http://www.getahuman.com/us/
You know when you are prompted to push numbers in order to get where you want to go in a phone system? I thought these where funny!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Sigh.....

Man, I have been the Gestapo this week. I came home from work on Friday to find out that my daughter had all of her friends in the house. That broke our "no friends in the house" rule while I am not home. I told her there were consequences and then she wanted to take all of her friends to "work" with her. (She helps at the dance studio and they in turn discount some expenses) I said no, she was going to work not socialize. Then she called me every name in the book and went ballistic. She ended up being grounded for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! And the bad part is I grounded her from the kids hanging out at our house after school. Which I love. But so does she and so do they. I had to make them all realize I mean business. They are not going to take advantage of me, or break the rules.

Good news is we patched things up last night and I feel like I have my daughter back if even somewhat tenatively. We "bonded" last night and as a result of that, I have purple metallic finger nail polish on! Do you know the last time I had finger nail polish on? I think I let my daughter polish my finger nails when she was 4, and that was the first time! Even then I only kept it on for a few hours. You know it is kind of growing on me! They do look pretty cool! ha ha! What lengths we parents will go to just to show our children that we love them! It just dawned on me that the kids probably don't even realize that. What did my parents do that I overlooked? I will have to do some reminiscing!

Parenting is tough!

Boy parenting is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. You have to guide kids to make the right choices and if they don't want to make the choices that you know are good for them you have to decide what to do.

Case in point: myspace.com ......instinctually I feel that my space is a bad thing. The kids are supposed to be 16 years old to have a myspace, yet my 15 year old, 13 year old and 11 year old all have accounts. Now I could demand that they take them down and they probably would, but I can guarantee that they would have another one up in a week that I don't know about. So it is easier to let them keep the one they do have and that I know about so that I can keep tabs on it. I have told my kids that they are not to put the city where they live or any personal inforamtion but then their friends put the city and state on, thereby giving her information out. I have uneasy about myspace.com for quite some time now, and then on nightline last night they showed how dangerous it really is. I am not out to win a popularity contest with my children and I won't win one, but there is a part of me that wants to let all the parents of these other kids know about myspace and what kind of things their kids are putting on their spaces - risque pics, things about alchol, sex, I could go into my space and give them a list of all the friends on my daughters site and have them shut them down but, that will just make it worse. Can you see my dilemma? I think educating the parents would be the best bet. But how?? I will pray that God will give me the answer.

One more thing....

It really is interesting to see how God provides, I have very little money for food but we make it stretch. Some times I will have as many as 9 kids sitting around the dinner table when I planned for 5 and it always seems like everyone gets their fill.

But you should see these kids, we laugh we talk we share we have a great time! Meal times are special.

And if you think about it could you maybe pray that a van with good gas mileage will come my way? My Honda only seat 4 besides the driver and it isn't enough for everyone to go on the road together.

Twists and Turns

Life is interesting right now. I feel like there is something on the horizon that is going to be changing life. I don't know what or in what way, but it feels like change is coming.
My house has become the hang out for the kids and their friends. It is really pretty cool, I feel like I can be an adult to these kids and care about them and encourage them in life and school. I get the feeling that many of these kids don't get much encouragement at home. I feel like a surrogate mom to some of these kids. It is really a ministry. It is not the ministry I would have chosen but then again I have often heard it said that what you wanted to do is not where God takes you.

These kids .....I don't know how to word it....I would not want to go back to being 13 ever again, especially not in today's world. These kids are dealing with things that are way more than they should have to handle at their age, and it breaks my heart that they do have to deal with it. It's sad really. I would love to share their stories with you but in the event that they ever find my blog, I would not want to blow their trust, and I want to respect their lives. But the good thing is that I can be there for them and hopefully have a positive influence in their life, even if it's for a short time.

Please pray for these kids you don't need to know the names or circumstances - God knows, and He will hear.

Archaeological Bible

I bought a new bible, I am so excited about it. I already have quite a few, but this one is special! It has mixed in and around the text, tidbits of archaeological insights. It has pictures of actual artifacts found from around the time period in that point in the bible. Or in the footnotes it gives insight into customs or traditions from that time period. It is such an awesome bible and gives such a wonderful insight into biblical times, I really like this bible. It has been fun reading it. I really should have been an archaeologist.

View the Bible on Amazon

God is good

It has been very frustrating in one sense the last few weeks. I have been so tired, I do what is necessary and then come home and crash from being so tired. The doctor tested me for mono, and thryoid and by white blood cell count. If those come back negative I am going to question the meds I am on. And in another sense it has been a blessing. I am too tired to be busy so I have been enjoying my children and their friends. Our house has come to be the place to be. Everyone wants to come to our house. On Wednesday nights we have dinner with everyone helping to make it, everyone is required to help in some way, they all help clean up too. We have had some great conversation around the dinner table. I also have the kids do their homework around the table too, the only problem is space, but no one complains. I enjoy having the kids around and they all call me mom. So even though I feel exhausted most of the time, life is good.

Life is halted.....

My life has been put on hold by choice and yet not by choice. A few weeks ago, I became so tired, and so fed up with some circumstances in my life. I just didn't have the energy to motivate. I had to drag myself to all my activities and finally I said, "enough" quite emphatically and I quit running at a break neck speed to all the church activities, running the kids around and just stopped. I have realized in the past week that I am happy at home. That life has taken a much more sedate pace and it feels good. I am still tired, very tired, and I can't breathe very well, and I am having another test at the hospital tomorrow, but I am very relaxed and I don't feel uptight and I have truly been enjoying the company of my children and their friends. We have some challenges ahead of us since we have never lived in an addition with neighborhood kids before, but we are working it out together and we have talked, I believe we understand each other. I feel like we have new respect for each other, the extra time I have been putting into the kids. Helping them with their homework because I have time, and I am not feeling rushed is a wonderful feeling. It feels right.

I miss church, but very few at church seem to miss me, only about 3 people have bothered to call and see where I am at. But it's okay, because I am happy in this state, although I wished I felt better.

A real culture shock for me has been the TV. I have never watched much TV before. Wow! I can't believe some of the stuff that is on the TV, the commercials are terrible and some of them should be rated R. And some of the shows, the total disrespect for each other in the comments that people make is very sad really. I am afraid I don't see too much humor in the sitcoms.

Health is a precious gift and I wonder how much we let stress rob us of that value commodity? Is stress the cause of my body's rebellion? Or is it something else? Time will tell. But in the mean time I am quite enjoying this new freedom!

Great Sadness

My heart feels heavy, very heavy. On Sunday, I went to the funeral of a baby. Dear friends of mine had a baby that was born with some type of hernia, that allowed the intestines to grow up in the chest cavity and along with that came a whole host of other problems. He was a beautiful little boy, as cute as could be. I never even got to meet him, a great sadness pervails my being. It was such a loss for his parents, for his aunts and uncles, his grandparents and church family.
And even though Nathaniel was here for only two short months it is said that his life made a difference. A father at the Ronald McDonald house called out to God because of his parents great faith, a mother struggling with her faith was brought back into a relationship with God because of Nathaniel being at Riley. So even though he was here only a short time, his life had impact. Does my life have that much impact on those around me? I hope so, if I am questioning it maybe I need to step up my impact. I mean Nathaniel couldn't even talk, so words are not the most important thing, maybe just being there, being a friend or listening will make a difference. How often have I said I can't witness, I don't know enough scripture or know it well enough. I need more knowledge. But it doesn't have to involve words. It is the proverbial "actions speak louder than words."
Something to consider isn't it?