Affirmations

I have so wanted to keep this blog positive, but the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders and I can't shake it off. Depression is a bad thing, I can't seem to shake it off, it is as if I have a huge weight tied to each of my appendages and I can't pick the weight up and lug it around any more. I don't want to put one foot in front of another, but I must. My kids cause me so much grief right now because of them being teenagers, well all except my youngest he is so sensitive to what is going on. My daughter is 13 and is just please as punch to bring all her drama into my world and then think it is no big deal. If only she knew how it is almost more than I can handle right now, if only I could let her know that I am at a breaking point and enough is enough. My oldest boy is a little more aware but he really needs a servant, someone to wait on him hand and foot. I don't have the energy for it.

I need a job, I am good at what I do and I would make someone an excellant employee. I will no longer need to stress out about the bills that go unpaid.

I feel like God wants to squash me. Today I accidently got into a hornets nest, under my mom's porch railing. I was being swarmed by hornets, I only got stung twice but boy did those two times hurt like the dickens. The last time I was stung by a hornet I was physically sick for 3 days. We shall see.....

When will it ever end? It feels like never.

ART FAIR!!

Today is the art fair, I am so excited I can't wait to go. This is one event that makes my heart leap, makes me look to the future, makes me hopeful. I love to go to the art fair, because it inspires me and gives me knew ideas and makes me feel alive again. I can't wait. I so admire all of those artists that participate in this event. There are bead artists there, painters, photographers, glass artists and more. The board that chooses artists for this fair does a really good job of picking out the best of the best. I can't wait!

I have been making some artwork of my own and I will post them in the next post. I think I have finally found my niche as to what I am good at, what I enjoy and what people will like. I love art!

this and that....

There seems to be so much! My oldest son turned 16 on Thursday. Wow! 16! Where has the time gone? I looked back through the pictures and it is hard to believe that cute little curly haired imp is almost a man. At 6'3" you would think I would see that young man but I don't somehow I still see that little curly haired baby, it is weird how that works. In one month I will be turning my baby loose on his own into the world when he begins driving on his own. Scary thought. But he is a good driver although distracted easily, typical of youth.


I went to that job interview and they were just trying to bump up their freelance list, not hire anyone. Sigh....I have several hundred other resumes and applications put in but no one calls me. I don't get it. I am talented, and very skilled and yet the doors don't seem to be opening. And yet the bills that aren't paid continue to stack up, I have never not paid my bills, but I can't pay them, and it is not credit cards and extravagant debt that I have. It is utilities, doctor bills and house and car. What is going on? I don't get it.

Health

I have come to think of health as the most valuable thing you can own, if you can really own such a thing. When I was young people didn't think about exercise as a way of life. I was skinny I played softball 6 days a week, I ate what I wanted and stayed skinny. The health problems I had just seemed a natural part of life, I went through the the steps did what was required by the medical staff and got through it. The problems never went away, they have just changed and the older I get the more critical they seem to be.

I used to be skinny, weight was never an issue in my life, until after a nine hour surgery that split me open top to bottom, then the weight started. But now all of a sudden it feels like I have a huge bowling ball in my gut. It is not soft but hard and it makes it hard to breathe and now the doctor has told me that I have diabetes, and my kidneys aren't functioning properly, but yet my diabetes can be controlled by my diet no meds. Yet I feel so terrible, no energy, I can barely stay awake, I have went from working from 5 am to 11 or 12 midnight to barely being able to function. I HATE THIS! And so I decide I am going to lose weight, after all everything I put in my mouth feels like it is poison to my body, I am afraid to eat anything, and what I think are the right food choices I find out they are the wrong choices. So what happens? I gain 10 pounds! How can that be I eat less and have even started walking even though I don't have the strength to put one foot in front of another, and I gain weight.....sigh.......There is a class with the Diabetes Association but it costs $300 and insurance won't pay for it. I don't have money to even buy food, or pay the bills so how can I afford the cost of that class. Seems like scholarships or grants would be nice for those people who are serious about adjusting their life but can't afford it. And while I am griping - what about insurance? They would rather pay the thousands of dollars mopping up the mess instead of preventing the problem to begin with? What is wrong here? Or a better question to ask might be - What have I done to myself?

And then there is this issue, I have a job interview on Monday, I really want this job, it is about 3 blocks from home, I could walk on a nice day, it is doing what I do best logo design, and web design. I really want this job (I hope it pays well!) But is it right, on my part to go to work for a small company having the health issues that I do and will I be able to work for them the hours they need and all that a full time job entails? I have 7 different doctors - appointments in May and June alone! Is it fair to them? I wish God would answer my prayers and make it clear!
If you read this and you pray please pray that I get the job if it is God's will.

The kids have been troopers but yet -The kids say "mom you can you eat that? or should you eat that?" and I don't know, I honestly don't. I would be satisfied with vegetables the rest of my life but think there is more to it than that. You know at times I have been almost anorexic in my life going a few day with out eating just because food didn't sound good, it seems like there is some irony in here somewhere, now that I have to eat to live and and in order to live I must eat. I hate food, a meal pill would be great.

Favorite Quote - Eden

This is the quote of the day that I saw on a church sign:

It wasn't the apple, it was the pair.

I love it!

Too Funny!

This is from http://www.getahuman.com/us/
You know when you are prompted to push numbers in order to get where you want to go in a phone system? I thought these where funny!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Sigh.....

Man, I have been the Gestapo this week. I came home from work on Friday to find out that my daughter had all of her friends in the house. That broke our "no friends in the house" rule while I am not home. I told her there were consequences and then she wanted to take all of her friends to "work" with her. (She helps at the dance studio and they in turn discount some expenses) I said no, she was going to work not socialize. Then she called me every name in the book and went ballistic. She ended up being grounded for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! And the bad part is I grounded her from the kids hanging out at our house after school. Which I love. But so does she and so do they. I had to make them all realize I mean business. They are not going to take advantage of me, or break the rules.

Good news is we patched things up last night and I feel like I have my daughter back if even somewhat tenatively. We "bonded" last night and as a result of that, I have purple metallic finger nail polish on! Do you know the last time I had finger nail polish on? I think I let my daughter polish my finger nails when she was 4, and that was the first time! Even then I only kept it on for a few hours. You know it is kind of growing on me! They do look pretty cool! ha ha! What lengths we parents will go to just to show our children that we love them! It just dawned on me that the kids probably don't even realize that. What did my parents do that I overlooked? I will have to do some reminiscing!

Parenting is tough!

Boy parenting is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. You have to guide kids to make the right choices and if they don't want to make the choices that you know are good for them you have to decide what to do.

Case in point: myspace.com ......instinctually I feel that my space is a bad thing. The kids are supposed to be 16 years old to have a myspace, yet my 15 year old, 13 year old and 11 year old all have accounts. Now I could demand that they take them down and they probably would, but I can guarantee that they would have another one up in a week that I don't know about. So it is easier to let them keep the one they do have and that I know about so that I can keep tabs on it. I have told my kids that they are not to put the city where they live or any personal inforamtion but then their friends put the city and state on, thereby giving her information out. I have uneasy about myspace.com for quite some time now, and then on nightline last night they showed how dangerous it really is. I am not out to win a popularity contest with my children and I won't win one, but there is a part of me that wants to let all the parents of these other kids know about myspace and what kind of things their kids are putting on their spaces - risque pics, things about alchol, sex, I could go into my space and give them a list of all the friends on my daughters site and have them shut them down but, that will just make it worse. Can you see my dilemma? I think educating the parents would be the best bet. But how?? I will pray that God will give me the answer.

One more thing....

It really is interesting to see how God provides, I have very little money for food but we make it stretch. Some times I will have as many as 9 kids sitting around the dinner table when I planned for 5 and it always seems like everyone gets their fill.

But you should see these kids, we laugh we talk we share we have a great time! Meal times are special.

And if you think about it could you maybe pray that a van with good gas mileage will come my way? My Honda only seat 4 besides the driver and it isn't enough for everyone to go on the road together.

Twists and Turns

Life is interesting right now. I feel like there is something on the horizon that is going to be changing life. I don't know what or in what way, but it feels like change is coming.
My house has become the hang out for the kids and their friends. It is really pretty cool, I feel like I can be an adult to these kids and care about them and encourage them in life and school. I get the feeling that many of these kids don't get much encouragement at home. I feel like a surrogate mom to some of these kids. It is really a ministry. It is not the ministry I would have chosen but then again I have often heard it said that what you wanted to do is not where God takes you.

These kids .....I don't know how to word it....I would not want to go back to being 13 ever again, especially not in today's world. These kids are dealing with things that are way more than they should have to handle at their age, and it breaks my heart that they do have to deal with it. It's sad really. I would love to share their stories with you but in the event that they ever find my blog, I would not want to blow their trust, and I want to respect their lives. But the good thing is that I can be there for them and hopefully have a positive influence in their life, even if it's for a short time.

Please pray for these kids you don't need to know the names or circumstances - God knows, and He will hear.

Archaeological Bible

I bought a new bible, I am so excited about it. I already have quite a few, but this one is special! It has mixed in and around the text, tidbits of archaeological insights. It has pictures of actual artifacts found from around the time period in that point in the bible. Or in the footnotes it gives insight into customs or traditions from that time period. It is such an awesome bible and gives such a wonderful insight into biblical times, I really like this bible. It has been fun reading it. I really should have been an archaeologist.

View the Bible on Amazon

God is good

It has been very frustrating in one sense the last few weeks. I have been so tired, I do what is necessary and then come home and crash from being so tired. The doctor tested me for mono, and thryoid and by white blood cell count. If those come back negative I am going to question the meds I am on. And in another sense it has been a blessing. I am too tired to be busy so I have been enjoying my children and their friends. Our house has come to be the place to be. Everyone wants to come to our house. On Wednesday nights we have dinner with everyone helping to make it, everyone is required to help in some way, they all help clean up too. We have had some great conversation around the dinner table. I also have the kids do their homework around the table too, the only problem is space, but no one complains. I enjoy having the kids around and they all call me mom. So even though I feel exhausted most of the time, life is good.

Life is halted.....

My life has been put on hold by choice and yet not by choice. A few weeks ago, I became so tired, and so fed up with some circumstances in my life. I just didn't have the energy to motivate. I had to drag myself to all my activities and finally I said, "enough" quite emphatically and I quit running at a break neck speed to all the church activities, running the kids around and just stopped. I have realized in the past week that I am happy at home. That life has taken a much more sedate pace and it feels good. I am still tired, very tired, and I can't breathe very well, and I am having another test at the hospital tomorrow, but I am very relaxed and I don't feel uptight and I have truly been enjoying the company of my children and their friends. We have some challenges ahead of us since we have never lived in an addition with neighborhood kids before, but we are working it out together and we have talked, I believe we understand each other. I feel like we have new respect for each other, the extra time I have been putting into the kids. Helping them with their homework because I have time, and I am not feeling rushed is a wonderful feeling. It feels right.

I miss church, but very few at church seem to miss me, only about 3 people have bothered to call and see where I am at. But it's okay, because I am happy in this state, although I wished I felt better.

A real culture shock for me has been the TV. I have never watched much TV before. Wow! I can't believe some of the stuff that is on the TV, the commercials are terrible and some of them should be rated R. And some of the shows, the total disrespect for each other in the comments that people make is very sad really. I am afraid I don't see too much humor in the sitcoms.

Health is a precious gift and I wonder how much we let stress rob us of that value commodity? Is stress the cause of my body's rebellion? Or is it something else? Time will tell. But in the mean time I am quite enjoying this new freedom!

Great Sadness

My heart feels heavy, very heavy. On Sunday, I went to the funeral of a baby. Dear friends of mine had a baby that was born with some type of hernia, that allowed the intestines to grow up in the chest cavity and along with that came a whole host of other problems. He was a beautiful little boy, as cute as could be. I never even got to meet him, a great sadness pervails my being. It was such a loss for his parents, for his aunts and uncles, his grandparents and church family.
And even though Nathaniel was here for only two short months it is said that his life made a difference. A father at the Ronald McDonald house called out to God because of his parents great faith, a mother struggling with her faith was brought back into a relationship with God because of Nathaniel being at Riley. So even though he was here only a short time, his life had impact. Does my life have that much impact on those around me? I hope so, if I am questioning it maybe I need to step up my impact. I mean Nathaniel couldn't even talk, so words are not the most important thing, maybe just being there, being a friend or listening will make a difference. How often have I said I can't witness, I don't know enough scripture or know it well enough. I need more knowledge. But it doesn't have to involve words. It is the proverbial "actions speak louder than words."
Something to consider isn't it?

Keep Your Guard Up...

It says in the Bible to control your thoughts. I used to equate that with things of sin, such as what you think when you look at a person in a sexual nature, or wanting to go out partying, so on and so forth. But today, as I consider another cold, dreary day, my thoughts are leaning towards depression, I can feel that if I let my thoughts stray and not stay focused on tasks at hand that my thoughts could drag me down into the pits. It is imperative that I keep my guard up and thereby my spirits up. I can feel that cloud settling in around me and I will not allow it! I am taking steps to have a light that simulates the sunshine so that I might get a daily dose of what ever it is that the sun provides that is so vital to my well being.
So for those of you who read this control those thoughts, so that your life is not dredged through places that are undesirable and you become an unwilling victim.

The Sun does still exist here!

It is close to 50 degrees and SUNSHINING, God does still love us! He sent us sunshine today! Whooo hooooo! You can not believe how good it does my mind, body and soul to see the sunshine! I never take the sun for granted, it is so rare that we get to see the sunshine in our part of the country. I love the sun! I wish I could find a patch of sunlight and lay in it, play around in it and just bask in it, much like Trixie in family circle cartoon. Sunshine is my friend! I do so miss it when we go days on end with out it. What a happy day it is today!!

Sunshine!

I am heading out for a sunny part of the country tomorrow! It is on business, but hey, as long as I can sit outside and eat my lunch or sit in the sun I will be doin' fine! I can't wait to see the sunshine. My sister and I am going on this trip and I hope to come back a renewed person with a new outlook on life the rest of the winter. It may make me want to leave this sunny-less city even more, but I can appreciate the fresh drink of sunshine to it's fullest. Don't get me wrong here, I love my hometown. I have a lot of pride in the city of my birth, I want to return some of what it has given me, but I can not take weeks and weeks of no sunshine! It is just wrong! It has been at least 3 weeks since we have had sunshine. That is just not right! I think I am going to have to buy one of the sunshine simulator lamps, but they are $300 for a little one! And my sister knows people that swear by them. I will pray that God will provide a way for one of those lamps to come my way.
Well I am off to bed to be well rested for my trip. The kids are safely with their grandparents and I will be flying off first class tomorrow morning. So if you see a plane go overhead wave at it - you never know, you might be waving at me!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Why is it that this day, a day like any other feels like a brand new fresh start? This day is really no different than any other but yet it is a day of new beginnings, a day to promise yourself that your life is going to take a new turn. A day to hope and believe that God is in control and things will get better in my life. A day to celebrate all the possibilities that lay ahead. A day to wonder what is God going to use me for this year? What can I do for God? Ask not what God can do for you, but what can you do for God.....to rephrase a famous quote!

Thoughts

I have been reflective lately, but yesterday something strange happened. I went to the store to pick up somethings for my mom and dad. It was a crowded shopping center. I was deep in thought and I suddenly became so aware of all the people around me and how most of them were hurting, lonely people and then I became aware of how lost many of them are with no knowledge of Jesus and who He was, and is, and I was filled with a deep sense of loss for them, a deep sense of pain and I began to wonder - If I felt so much pain for these people that I don't know, how much more Jesus must have felt. How did He do it? How did he come to earth knowing what He knew facing people on a daily basis and not be so overwhelmed with grief everyday. I was so overwhelmed with grief for these strangers and I was a mere mortal, human if you will, no obligation to them, no call to that, and yet the pain was so palatable that it hurt deeply. Why is that? What happened last night? What is God doing in my life? Where is He moving me to?

Exciting!

Wow! I knew my Grandma had an aunt that was a missionary, I even have one of her artifacts that she had collected, but it became real when my mom and I were looking through old photos and we found a picture of her! I have become excited about this because we have a missionary in our family blood line! In the past 3 years of restoration of my body, soul, and spirit, I have been working through all of the past, and it seems like generational curses are a big part of me. All the bad stuff, skeletons if you will - rattling around in my closet. This is exciting to me, I haven't quite filtered through it yet, but I will keep you posted!