I like this philosophy

I have a college professor that I admire. I really like his style and his philosophies, he wrote this on his blog:

How realistic am I?

One day I want to be a published author and spend my days writing, painting and doing the ocassional lecture. Is that realistic? I think so. Is it a dream? Sure. But why not dream big. I've done my best to surround myself with friends who are positive and who are actively pursuing their own dreams. I've lost some friends and aquaintences by doing this, but the way I look at is like this...if you have a talent, a gift, use it. If all you're going to do is complain about how cheated you are by life, God and everyone, because you aren't the success you thought you were going to be, then I don't want to hang with you. Go away. - Allen Etter

I have been beginning this same attitude the last few months and this so eloquently sums up what I have been trying to achieve. I am getting rid of the negative people surrounding me, as much as I would like to change them they must do it themselves. I have been working on keeping my attitude positive and looking for the good things. Much as Allen has stated that he has lost some friends and acquaintances this way I too feel some of the people around me slipping away. I am going to be the same as the people I surround myself with. Like attracts like. I choose to attract success and happiness and postivity in my life. Like my professor, I too want to be a published author and pursue my artwork and lecture or teach (I have two books in the works, and I am promoting my artwork). I want to make this world a better place. Jesus did not focus on the bad things in a persons life, He always emphasized the positive aspects. Celebrate your talents, gifts and the steps of change you achieve every day, keep your eyes on the long term but focus on the here and now. One day at a time....

Cool Puzzle site

This is a mathmatical 3D spatial puzzle - very cool and harder than I thought it would be. Be careful you might lose a few hours!

BLOCK PUZZLE


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hmmm.....

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Sigh...

Last night I had to drop my youngest son off with his dad, Olivia was there and she would come around and talk to me even though I asked her how school went. Is she ignoring me? Is she ashamed? Is she mad at me? Does she really hate me? These are questions I can not dwell on. I love her and hope she comes back to me someday.

My heart still feels heavy but I am trying to over come that. I do NOT want the depression to settle in again. I must keep journaling and doing what I know to fight off the cloud that is threatening to settle over my head.

Random thought:
I was setting goals for myself and when it came to weight loss I want to lose 70 pounds. That doesn't sound like so much when you hear stories of people losing 150 pounds! 70 seems like it would be pretty easy! I must do it by this fall, now that might be the tricky part!

Life is so empty

My daughter is gone, really gone. I know I am going to see her tomorrow night to pick her up and take her home from dance class, but the house seems so empty. Her kitty walks around like he is lost, and I feel the way he is acting!

Levi had to write a paper about a scary time in his life. He told me that it was either when I left his dad or when his sister moved out to their dad's house. How sad. Divorce is a terrible thing. If anyone is reading this and you are contemplating divorce thinking it will make your life easier....think again. It compounds the problems and makes them all worse.

I really do miss Olivia. I was told today that she did the self made tattoo because a gang at school was wanting her to join and she did not want to. She told her dad that they told her to tattoo herself or they would go after her little brother. I don't know whether to believe this or not since there have been so many lies told in the last few months, and she acts like she hates me. I don't know what to think anymore. Will we ever be friends again?

Heart pains...

My 14 year old daughter has been full of anger for about a year now, and rebellious. I have tried to get her to talk to me and she has refused to go talk to a counselor. I don't know if she is angry at me, or something at school, I just don't know. She has decided to go live with her dad. She is leaving tonight. I feel like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. A mother and daughter are supposed to have a special relationship right?

I think she is going to be less happy at her dad's. They live in a trailer in the middle of the country with no one around. He is much much more strict than I am. She has made comments that make me think that she has no concept of what the realities are going to be but I have tried to talk to her and she absolutely refuses to let me in and open up and tell me what is really going on. My heart is breaking, I wish I could save her from her decision but maybe the best thing I can do is let her go, and I will but it hurts so......

It was a bittersweet day on Saturday. A full page article with pictures of my artwork came out in the paper and my daughter decided to go live with her dad and leave me.

Great Group!

I went to a meeting with other graphic and web designers. It was great to meet new people and talk "shop". Got a lot of new sources and ideas for things! I am stepping out of my protective box of only knowing "church people". It is really exhilerating!

Click here to check out
The I-69 Visual Design Meetup!

Art Update

Well I got the email that I didn't make it into the show in San Diego....What a bummer! I was really disappointed at first, because I had this idea that I was going to take off with my art work with ease. I guess it is a due an artist must pay in order to stick with it. Rejection is part of the game. I am beginning to see that it is all about Marketing yourself and your art. I have put that on hold lately, school seems to be consuming my time. But I must get back to it. I have plenty of subject material to create new works. I must devote at least an hour each day to my artwork, whether it is marketing and promoting or creating. I would rather just create I think most artists would but it is about the marketing as much as the creating.
I would really like to make a trip to Chicago when it is warmer to get some Chicago material. I have a friend in the art world in Chicago and I have been told that Chicagoans love my kind of work.

As I read back over this I have to question why do I create my artwork? Is it to make money? Or is it for the pure joy of making it. I would have to say that it is for the pure joy of making it and showing it to others! I get a big kick out of seeing peoples faces light up when they see my artwork. It is about creating the artwork to bring joy to others. If I get some money out of it great! But I won't quit my day job just yet! ha ha! But what a dream that would be to travel around the country doing custom images and creating new ones from the world around me! WOW!
I HAVE A DREAM......... (can't you just hear that booming voice of Martin Luther King?)

Cool New Software!

I found this cool new software! Sitegrinder2. It allows you to design total websites in Photoshop and create CSS design! It is awesome! Check it out! It has allowed me, who knows how to design and layout in Dreamweaver an even greater flexibility and creativity! The learning curve is very short and I can make websites so much faster than doing it the old fashion way. I had a professor at school turn up her nose at the software when I told her what it could do. Well at one point a lot of people turned up their nose at Illustration software for the computer and now look at where we are with that. What if people has poo pooed the WYSIWYG html editors? This is the future folks! Go check it out! Bad for us web designers in a sense because it allows everyone to be a better web designer, but yet, it is so exciting! And the tutorials and video lessons are extraordinary - and - if you email customer service with a question about how to do something? Within an hour you have a complete answer back. I have not seen such customer service out of a software company for years! It will blow you away, more companies should take lessons from Media Lab software!

My second favorite SuperBowl 2007 Commercial

Thanks to Comcast I can really relate to this commercial! Ha ha! I have Connectile Dysfunction at my home!

My Favorite 2007 SuperBowl Commercial

COLTS VS. BEARS

What an exciting day it is today! The colts - our home state team - play the bears. Now we live right in the middle of both of these teams territories and the city is pretty well divided on who they want to win. You often see signs like "Go Colts - play well Bears!" I am rooting for the colts, they are, after all, our states team, and it would be so cool to have Indiana recognized for something besides Corn and the Indianapolis 500! No offense Indiana but as far as big events go we don't have a lot! You see people walking around with colts jerseys, hats, and one couple had feathers and sparkly things attached to the hats and the whole family looked that way! And that was on Friday! It really is rather fun, and the excitment in the air is palatable! There is an air of anticipation in the city. There are super bowl parties everywhere, there usually is superbowl parties but they seem bigger, more promoted somehow.

We won't be going to any parties, my daugther has been really ill, the whole past week, and the new antibiotic brought with it a new outlook for all of us that she is on the mend. It has been a horrible week of worry for me, as she was so sick. But yesterday she was up most of the day and even helped me bake, and talked to me. She did NOT have mono so that was a good thing, but what she did have we are not sure of. She has yet another doctors appointment on Monday. I am getting sidetracked here.....so we are staying home for the superbowl, which is fine by me. I love the superbowl commercials and it seems like when ever you go to a superbowl party everyone talks during the commercials (usually the best part of the whole show) and you can't catch them. Then I have to find them on the internet and watch them, hoping my connection is stable and doesn't cut out! And this really is going to be an exciting game. I love watching football, especially when it gets to the championships and the superbowl!
So our night will be spent at home. We bought some cold meats and chips and dips and we will have the customary treats for our own private super bowl party. It should be fun! The kids and I will have a ball and the show will be good! Party on Colts Fans!

PS - THE COLTS WON!
WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO! THe colts won! And what a game! Oh my gosh! It was so exciting! Indiana is on the map for something besides cars running around in circles! WHooooo hoooooooo! Do you hear me dancing in the house? Do you hear me shouting? Do you hear me screaming? Do you hear the happiness in my words? WOW! WoW! WOW! Tooo coool!

Red Letter Day - Feb. 2, 2007

The day of Feb. 2, 2007 is a retter letter day for me. I submitted 3 of my art images to a big, juried show out in San Diego. If they are accepted into the show then it will be another big red letter day! But for me, finding the confidence to submit the pictures was a big deal. I finally found a show that my artwork would "fit" into as well. The Museum of Art director said to find a show that your artwork was compliant with to submit. For instance I would not want to submit my kscope images to an oil painting show. This show is aptly called "The Art of Photography" and it is about photography, digital manipulation, and collaged photos. I fit right in! So now I will be facing extreme rejection or sky-high elation! The rejection - oh well - the trick is to not take it personally.

You go over in your head - "did I submit the right images?", "Should I submit more"?
The really cool thing is that the guy that is the judge (I have never heard of him before, but this is a new area I am venturing into) is a big wig and many people request him to look at their work and critique it but he does that rarely because he doesn't have much time, and everyone who submits to the show gets reviewed by him! He is the founding Executive Director of The No Strings Foundation, a non-profit foundation established in 2004 whose mission is to provide direct funding to photographic artists. So it is all very exciting.

I found this show in a magazine called camera arts, and after I registered I went and looked through the participants last year and a well know local photographer was in the show last year, so I feel that it is a good show.

I often feel like my path is being directed. My faith set aside, I see events happening that allows doors to open or directs my attention to certain areas that require me to take action. It is all very exciting, and I know God is the one directing these events, the waters are being stirred it seems and the waves are just starting to ripple! It is all very exciting!

Travel

I think there may be a way for me to go to Italy for a month. It fulfills an art history requirement and I would be able to get some awesome, photos for new Kaleidoscope images! I am praying about it. If it all falls into place I could go to Italy and stay for a month.

I have never been out of the country and have never had the desire to go out of the country - until now. I really want to go to Italy and see all the centuries old buildings, the landscape and the art. We will be 30 miles away from where they filmed the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun".

I am so excited!

Excitement

A local shop wants to put my work up for sale! My art work is taking off! It is so exciting! I have 5 prints framed and ready to hang this week.
I somehow have it in my head that I am going to sell them right away, we will see what the reality of that is, but I am hopeful that they will sell well. It is so exciting!

I would never have dreamed that I would even be selling my artwork 2 years ago. I would just create things and put them away in the attic, I would never let people see what I had created.

Isn't self confidence wonderful? You become confident in yourself and your skills and then everyone else sees the value in your talent too. Confidence is contagious it would seem.

Good News!

The doctor tells me I have a "Renal Mass" well I am sure you can figure out what my first thought was.....but it turns out it was a cyst on my kidney! No big deal and many people have them....whew......all those prayers panned out!

What a relief!

hanging over my head

It is funny how stress can affect me. I am not able to focus, I keep having these horrible thoughts run threw my head. The worst imaginable scenario, that whatever this mass is that they have found could be only the worst, but it could be something insignificant too, a cyst or something. I have had those before, lots of them, but my head keeps going back to the negative. What will I do about the kids if....? What will I do about paying the bills if.....? It is the if's that will kill you! I have to quit worrying about what might be and wait and see what the test on Monday reveals. I must stay on the here and now, but I can't seem to focus on my work, I can't seem to concentrate on anything. I want to sit and mindlessly watch TV or shop or read or play on the computer or do my art work. Should I just give in and go with it? I don't feel well at all anyway. Or..should I keep plugging away focusing as best I can? I play praise music, pray often and get mad at Satan and tell him off a few times a day. My God is healing me and I expect a miracle by Monday! Sigh....it really is a weight none the less, no matter how positive I feel.

Then I have a friend who is going to get demoted or fired as a friend. She has become so negative, she heaps all kinds of negativity on me when I am around her, and I don't need that negativity. I politely listen, and do my best to escape her, but last night she dumped all of her step childrens divorce and fights and cop calling garbage on me and I couldn't get away politely. I think I am going to have to throw polite out the window and be blunt. I hate to do that to someone, but right now I need positive people around me, and I don't need all of her garbage in my life. She is verbally journaling and she won't keep a journal because she is afraid that someone will read it! Well I am not going to be her journal I can NOT be her journal. It is poison to me and my mental well being and possibly my physical well-being. Satan get thee behind me!!!

Friends if you are reading this and I am sure you know who I am talking about please come rescue me when you see me cornered. PLEASE!

bad news

I got bad news from the doctor today, I have to go back in on Monday for another test. This does not sound good, but I am done worrying about something that is not true yet. So until then I am going to have a positive attitude and believe that it is nothing for now. I know something is wrong, but I am not going to listen to the words they said I am going to believe instead that God is taking care of it all and that this is just another thing that He is going to use to show people that God is in control and that He is our healer. I am going to believe that it is a huge kidney stone or something and that it will all work out. Thank you God for hearing my prayers and the prayers of your people - that you are working on my situation.

religion and politics

I have never been very active in politics. I get frustrated with it all, but here is an interesting blog about the Mayoral Candidate Matt Kelty from an indianapolis blogger.

Advance Indiana: Mixing Religion And Politics

Basilica Pictures

Here are the Basilica pictures that I took.

Traveling....

I love to travel and see new things. I have been down to St. Louis on numerous occassions and each time I fall more in love with that city. This past weekend I went to the Dale Chihuly show at the Botanical Gardens. What a fantastic show, Dale Chihuly will never let you down when it comes to one of his shows. Each one is unique and special, he tailors the show to the surruoundings of the area.

I also went to the Basilica in St. Louis. WOW! There are not many words that can describe the awe and beauty of this beautiful place of worship, my pictures don't even begin to do it justice. A must see place. It is a place I would like go back to without a group of people, in order to just sit and take in the reverant beauty of this beautiful house of God. It wasn't just about the beautiful artwork or awesome mosaics, there was a distinct feeling that God would physically show up while you contemplated all He is. Incredible place.

I thought I would share just a very small portion of all of the photos that I took, several thousand in all......very productive trip! I should have many new Kaleidoscope images soon!

more of me....

Well there are a lot more of me with my maiden name....maybe I don't want to change it back....

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 18 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Only one me...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Christmas

Two days until Christmas, typically this is a "down" time for me, my depression swings in and the long dreary days of rain and no sunshine don't help any. This year it has been good - until today. I got a disconnect notice from the gas company. If only they would have waited one more week, I could have paid it with my school money. Who sends out disconnect notices two days before Christmas anyway? sigh....And I have the kids for Christmas eve and Olivia was asking what we were going to have to our "special Christmas Eve" meal. I have 3 pork chops and some baked potatoes, and no money. I know God has come through before and the TV is full of Christmas miracles, you can really believe that they can happen if you try hard enough.

I can dwell on the questions -why can't I find a job? Why can't I find freelance work, why am I poor? What have I done wrong? But when I let my mind go to those questions, the darkness threatens to invade like a fog. I can NOT go there, I have to keep positive, I have to hand it over to God and let him take control. It doesn't mean I shouldn't do my part -like call the Gas company and ask for an extension, but I can't dwell on what I can not control. Not a good time to be alone, how will I do it with the kids gone all next week? I am not sure. The Lord has provided a way to get me down to St. Louis for a long weekend, that will help, but until then the weight of aloneness will be great.

I would really like to see a Christmas miracle right here in my home this weekend.

Finals are over!

Finals are over for this semester. Whooo hoooo! My evenings are my own again,as are the daytimes. Of course that time will be spent building my freelance work and picking up the house. House work as not been a priority in the last two weeks of classes. It is amazing how quickly the children and myself can let the house get messy! Uck! Can't wait to get it straightened up again.

I feel such a relief to be done with classes.

Whirlwind!

all photos are copyright protected ©2006 Lisa McKibben Schwaberow



Life seems to be a whirlwind of late. My artwork has taken on a life of its own, fellow artists and friends are encouraging me in my artwork and there is a lot of enthusiasm for it. The possibilities are endless. The one thing I like about my artwork is it combines my love of my city, photography, computer art, and architecture all into one whole unit. And the beauty of it is the architecture that I love so much can be appreciated in any city, and my love of Chicago can be rolled right into the picture!

Taxes....
Ug! I am not tax brained...my brain has an area - I am certain of this - that locks up, freezes and shuts down when the thought of taxes comes to mind. I want to run far away from this aspect of the whole business. I believe I might have found a way. If you display your work in a gallery then you don't have to pay sales tax, the gallery will take care of that. I must still pay income tax but that I can deal with! Any gallery owners call me!

So as I sit here postponing the 16 page paper I have to write with 16 primary sources and the two finals I must study for, I contemplate the excitement of conquering the biggest sales job of my life - my work, and I easily postpone that work a few minutes longer.....but really I must return to work on that paper. So adieu for now!

So much going on!

There is so much going on in my life right now. I am pursuing my art, or maybe it is pursuing me, doors seem to be opening wide and I feel like I am being pulled along a path, but yet, it is work on my part as well. My Kaleidoscope images are starting to gain recognition! My source of inspiration and an artist that I admire so much, Karen Thompson, (click here for her site) said my work was wonderful! Wow! She liked my work! I was so thrilled, what an honor!
I have had two people say that I should sell my work in the retail market. I am giving that some thought. I feel like I need a plan. I am not sure how I am going to do this! You can see my work at ADOTCO.
Who would think that something that gives me such joy brings joy to others.
I really must thank Rebecca-Justice Schaab, she is the one that kept encouraging me first and telling me that I could do it. The new found confidence I have in myself is a big part of the growth I feel. I must share the poem that started it all for me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I have this posted on my bedroom wall and I read it often. Life is good.....

God is Good

Wow! God is good! Here I was with no dollars, couldn't even scrape up the change anymore, Gas tank almost empty, out of milk...well I could go on but you get the picture. I was keeping my peace and trying very hard not to worry, the worry kept creeping in at times but I managed to keep my peace. Well today the kids dad paid his support and I got a check that I wasn't expecting for a couple of more weeks!

I know some of you could reason it away and say that it would have come anyway, but really I just turned in the invoice for the one check yesterday, and I got the check today! WOW! That never happens! And as for child support? Same thing - WOW! That never happens! ha ha!!

It is nice to have unexpected blessings like that, it really restores your faith.
It is Olivia's birthday today and I was worried about a present for her, well God has taken care of that in the whole of this as well. God is good!

God is confirming

I no more than decided to have a positive attitude and God confirmed it. I went to church and the message was about the power of your words and how what you speak can affect your life! Amazing!

Oh and then of course God decided to test it out by making me have a reaction to the new meds I was on. So....I don't know how to respond to that. I am having a tough time of it, but according to God's word I am being healed. RIGHT? Sigh....

Positive Attitudes

I am going to try to have a more positive attitude. No one likes a downer. Plus the doctor put me on a new medicine and I think I feel a little better now. So I am going to try to be more positive.
My fingers and arms seem to not be my own, they don't want to move the way I want them to move, I am thinking meds again, hopefully these will ease up.
The kids and I went and walked around Jefferson Pointe last night that was a nice time, and better yet, my oldest son drove and I got to "relax" in the back seat. Does a parent ever really relax riding with their child in the car? He is only 16 years old, I guess it will take some time to adjust to that. We got on the highway (not an ordinary thing in our city) and that was a white knuckle experience! ha ha! Seriously he is a good driver I just think that it is hard to not see him as my baby behind that wheel.

Another first for me. The kids stayed up and watched a movie. I was so exhausted that I went to bed and left them up! Wow! That was a strange experience, I am so used to tucking them in, saying good night and the whole ritual that just going to bed was weird of course I was so tired it didn't keep me from going right to sleep!

I am really excited about some of the things our church is doing. We are trying to unite the artists in the church as a bible study group. Not just the oil painters but any one creative whether in their job or as a hobby. Architects, commercial artists, musicians, photographers and so on! It should be exciting, I am looking forward to it! I am wanting to meet new people.
Speaking of church - I must get everyone up and ready to go. Bye!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Health

You don't realize how important your health is until you have problems....not something to be taken for granted. I was told this week, that my kidneys are calcifying (there is a million dollar name for this but I can't remember it) and only functioning 60% - that is why I am so tired. There is nothing they can do for it, they can't reverse the damage that has been done, but if I drink 3 quarts of water a day or more I can slow it way down. I feel like I am floating away and I can't quite get the 3 quarts down - yet. I am working on it. Then I was told I have sleep apnea and one of my doctors said that could be the reason for my depression. I have to go back to the sleep clinic and sleep with one of those machines. UCK! I still have one more test to do in August and I am hoping it will bring good results, but I don't think it will, I KNOW there is a problem there.sigh...All this is piling up on me along with all the other problems and I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I did realize that being around people makes me feel better than staying home and avoiding people because I don't have the strength for it. I wish I could explain to people that it is not that I don't want to be around them it just takes energy that I don't have to get there, to sit there and to make conversation. The fatigue is the worst part, I am used to going 100 mph. I went to a Wed. Bible Study and I felt so horrible but I was there and I stayed. It was so good to talk to everyone and hear their stories from a recent trip.
You know what mystifies me is the doctor ask me, "who else in your family has kidney problems?" my response? No one....another doctor "who in your family has endometriosis? my response? No one...another doctor "who in your family has colon problems?" my response? No one....I asked my mom if I was adopted because I don't fit in our family. They all laughed and said I just got the bad end of the gene pool. I am the black sheep of the family and now medically I don't fit in. Could there be just one thing that causes all this? What can I do to make things better? Eat healthy, exercise and get sleep. Maybe it is the sleep apnea causing it all because my body can't get a good enough sleep to repair itself. who knows one can second guess every situation and drive themselves nuts. Sigh...I did find out that if I go to the balcony at church that I can sit down when I am tired and I don't feel conspicious. I wish I could have my energy back.

Lucky?

I don't feel lucky. I was told today that people don't want to hire people who are not good looking.....in other words.....you are fat and so that is why you can't find a job....they did not say it in an unkind way, nor mean it maliciously. I am never eating again....well at least not very much. No more pop or juice - water only, I have been neglectful to let my self get so big. I was a size 9 when I got pregnant with my third child, it was a wonderful pregnancy and since I felt good I ate a lot, I will take it off I said, but I was too busy chasing kids that I didn't take care of myself - big mistake and now I have to do something about it. From this day forward only very small measured bites will enter these lips. Aside from my sucky financial situation and things looking overwhelmingly bleak, I am never going to get a job - because I am fat, because I have poor credit because of my ex-husband. Just because.....and GOD is in control of it all isn't he? He really doesn't give a damn, no miracles in his pockets. I am glad the kids are going to camp (on a scholarship) next week, because there is not going to be much food in the house after this weekend. And I am not eating so that will be just fine.
I can't drive my car any where or at least I shouldn't because the plates are expired, and the church helped with that but of course the mail the check and since the bmv is not open again until Tuesday......the electric is due to be cut off next Friday, and I have not income coming in from anywhere. The gas is due to be shut off sometime next week, I just ignore it, maybe I won't need it. My rent went up to $805 dollars and I have no money anywhere, and I can't find a job. You know I just can't see a solution, I keep applying for jobs but.....what's the point? I don't have the energy or any kind of bubbly attitude to do a good interview. I am angry, angry at this world and angry that I have talent but because of other circumstances that have nothing to do with how well I could perform a job they won't consider me.

Life is not fair...

Single mom, I make $900 minimum on a good month I make $1500. I have a car payment, I have rent which was $640 and has been slowly raised, today I was told that it is to be $805 a month. I am driving on expired plates (only when necessary) I just spent my last dollar on bread, and I have no income at the moment. What's nuts is I have talent coming out the wazoo I have skills that should land me a job anywhere, but I can't get a job at any of the major retail stores, or any of the major fast food stores and I can't get anyone to hire me for a graphic design position, I not good enough in one area and too good in another. Go figure.
I thought I was done moving, I thought I would stay here for the next 40 years, I thought my kids could finally relax and feel like they were secure and we had a place to call home. But it is not to be, I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions right now, but I must I feel a strong need to do something. I think I can sell the car and get an older car, I can move, my dad holds the mortgage but if we put it up for sale and I try to pay the rent until it sells then maybe I can find someplace much cheaper. The kids and I slept in basement, we could do it again.
Really? I can't handle it, it is way more than I can deal with. They say there is a God, I believe that to be true. They say He won't leave you or forsake you, I am not so sure about that anymore, I feel very abandoned and very forsaken. I don't see but one way out.
If you are reading this and you are contemplating divorce please don't. Do what ever it takes to get counseling to work it out. My ex husband abused me physically, I sometimes think the pain I am feeling now hurts worse than any pain he could have inflicted on me.

Today

My sister yelled at me today and told me that I didn't have any idea the stress she was under and what she sacrificed for her company. Does she have any understanding of what I have sacrificed? Obviously not, I had a successful freelance business going and I put it on hold in order to help her build her company because I believed in her and I and what we could do together. It was when I started working for her and quit building my freelance work up that I started having money problems. She used to pay me $30 an hour for projects then she pulled me into the company and I went willingly believing that we would grow, and started paying me $8 an hour and then that went from 40 hours a week to 10-15 and yes she sacrifices her pay sometimes and I always get paid, but who's choice is that and why should she hold that over my head? I think that is the same thing as drinking poison and expecting the other person to die scenario.
I went from being able to pay all my bills to not being able to pay any of them, well guess what? I am going to start building up my business and start getting money in again! hallelujah!

I hate life

No deep philosophies, just I hate life, it's too much work trying to figure everything out.

K-scopes

Here is my sanity. This is what keeps me going right now. They give me purpose and life...and maybe income (I still don't have a day job) I take the pictures then assemble them. a 20x20 is $600 a 10.5x10.5 is $300 unless of course you need a customized one then.....we'll talk.

Chalk Walk

Here is what I did last weekend.
I really had a lot of fun!

Affirmations

I have so wanted to keep this blog positive, but the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders and I can't shake it off. Depression is a bad thing, I can't seem to shake it off, it is as if I have a huge weight tied to each of my appendages and I can't pick the weight up and lug it around any more. I don't want to put one foot in front of another, but I must. My kids cause me so much grief right now because of them being teenagers, well all except my youngest he is so sensitive to what is going on. My daughter is 13 and is just please as punch to bring all her drama into my world and then think it is no big deal. If only she knew how it is almost more than I can handle right now, if only I could let her know that I am at a breaking point and enough is enough. My oldest boy is a little more aware but he really needs a servant, someone to wait on him hand and foot. I don't have the energy for it.

I need a job, I am good at what I do and I would make someone an excellant employee. I will no longer need to stress out about the bills that go unpaid.

I feel like God wants to squash me. Today I accidently got into a hornets nest, under my mom's porch railing. I was being swarmed by hornets, I only got stung twice but boy did those two times hurt like the dickens. The last time I was stung by a hornet I was physically sick for 3 days. We shall see.....

When will it ever end? It feels like never.

ART FAIR!!

Today is the art fair, I am so excited I can't wait to go. This is one event that makes my heart leap, makes me look to the future, makes me hopeful. I love to go to the art fair, because it inspires me and gives me knew ideas and makes me feel alive again. I can't wait. I so admire all of those artists that participate in this event. There are bead artists there, painters, photographers, glass artists and more. The board that chooses artists for this fair does a really good job of picking out the best of the best. I can't wait!

I have been making some artwork of my own and I will post them in the next post. I think I have finally found my niche as to what I am good at, what I enjoy and what people will like. I love art!

this and that....

There seems to be so much! My oldest son turned 16 on Thursday. Wow! 16! Where has the time gone? I looked back through the pictures and it is hard to believe that cute little curly haired imp is almost a man. At 6'3" you would think I would see that young man but I don't somehow I still see that little curly haired baby, it is weird how that works. In one month I will be turning my baby loose on his own into the world when he begins driving on his own. Scary thought. But he is a good driver although distracted easily, typical of youth.


I went to that job interview and they were just trying to bump up their freelance list, not hire anyone. Sigh....I have several hundred other resumes and applications put in but no one calls me. I don't get it. I am talented, and very skilled and yet the doors don't seem to be opening. And yet the bills that aren't paid continue to stack up, I have never not paid my bills, but I can't pay them, and it is not credit cards and extravagant debt that I have. It is utilities, doctor bills and house and car. What is going on? I don't get it.

Health

I have come to think of health as the most valuable thing you can own, if you can really own such a thing. When I was young people didn't think about exercise as a way of life. I was skinny I played softball 6 days a week, I ate what I wanted and stayed skinny. The health problems I had just seemed a natural part of life, I went through the the steps did what was required by the medical staff and got through it. The problems never went away, they have just changed and the older I get the more critical they seem to be.

I used to be skinny, weight was never an issue in my life, until after a nine hour surgery that split me open top to bottom, then the weight started. But now all of a sudden it feels like I have a huge bowling ball in my gut. It is not soft but hard and it makes it hard to breathe and now the doctor has told me that I have diabetes, and my kidneys aren't functioning properly, but yet my diabetes can be controlled by my diet no meds. Yet I feel so terrible, no energy, I can barely stay awake, I have went from working from 5 am to 11 or 12 midnight to barely being able to function. I HATE THIS! And so I decide I am going to lose weight, after all everything I put in my mouth feels like it is poison to my body, I am afraid to eat anything, and what I think are the right food choices I find out they are the wrong choices. So what happens? I gain 10 pounds! How can that be I eat less and have even started walking even though I don't have the strength to put one foot in front of another, and I gain weight.....sigh.......There is a class with the Diabetes Association but it costs $300 and insurance won't pay for it. I don't have money to even buy food, or pay the bills so how can I afford the cost of that class. Seems like scholarships or grants would be nice for those people who are serious about adjusting their life but can't afford it. And while I am griping - what about insurance? They would rather pay the thousands of dollars mopping up the mess instead of preventing the problem to begin with? What is wrong here? Or a better question to ask might be - What have I done to myself?

And then there is this issue, I have a job interview on Monday, I really want this job, it is about 3 blocks from home, I could walk on a nice day, it is doing what I do best logo design, and web design. I really want this job (I hope it pays well!) But is it right, on my part to go to work for a small company having the health issues that I do and will I be able to work for them the hours they need and all that a full time job entails? I have 7 different doctors - appointments in May and June alone! Is it fair to them? I wish God would answer my prayers and make it clear!
If you read this and you pray please pray that I get the job if it is God's will.

The kids have been troopers but yet -The kids say "mom you can you eat that? or should you eat that?" and I don't know, I honestly don't. I would be satisfied with vegetables the rest of my life but think there is more to it than that. You know at times I have been almost anorexic in my life going a few day with out eating just because food didn't sound good, it seems like there is some irony in here somewhere, now that I have to eat to live and and in order to live I must eat. I hate food, a meal pill would be great.

Favorite Quote - Eden

This is the quote of the day that I saw on a church sign:

It wasn't the apple, it was the pair.

I love it!

Too Funny!

This is from http://www.getahuman.com/us/
You know when you are prompted to push numbers in order to get where you want to go in a phone system? I thought these where funny!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Sigh.....

Man, I have been the Gestapo this week. I came home from work on Friday to find out that my daughter had all of her friends in the house. That broke our "no friends in the house" rule while I am not home. I told her there were consequences and then she wanted to take all of her friends to "work" with her. (She helps at the dance studio and they in turn discount some expenses) I said no, she was going to work not socialize. Then she called me every name in the book and went ballistic. She ended up being grounded for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! And the bad part is I grounded her from the kids hanging out at our house after school. Which I love. But so does she and so do they. I had to make them all realize I mean business. They are not going to take advantage of me, or break the rules.

Good news is we patched things up last night and I feel like I have my daughter back if even somewhat tenatively. We "bonded" last night and as a result of that, I have purple metallic finger nail polish on! Do you know the last time I had finger nail polish on? I think I let my daughter polish my finger nails when she was 4, and that was the first time! Even then I only kept it on for a few hours. You know it is kind of growing on me! They do look pretty cool! ha ha! What lengths we parents will go to just to show our children that we love them! It just dawned on me that the kids probably don't even realize that. What did my parents do that I overlooked? I will have to do some reminiscing!

Parenting is tough!

Boy parenting is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. You have to guide kids to make the right choices and if they don't want to make the choices that you know are good for them you have to decide what to do.

Case in point: myspace.com ......instinctually I feel that my space is a bad thing. The kids are supposed to be 16 years old to have a myspace, yet my 15 year old, 13 year old and 11 year old all have accounts. Now I could demand that they take them down and they probably would, but I can guarantee that they would have another one up in a week that I don't know about. So it is easier to let them keep the one they do have and that I know about so that I can keep tabs on it. I have told my kids that they are not to put the city where they live or any personal inforamtion but then their friends put the city and state on, thereby giving her information out. I have uneasy about myspace.com for quite some time now, and then on nightline last night they showed how dangerous it really is. I am not out to win a popularity contest with my children and I won't win one, but there is a part of me that wants to let all the parents of these other kids know about myspace and what kind of things their kids are putting on their spaces - risque pics, things about alchol, sex, I could go into my space and give them a list of all the friends on my daughters site and have them shut them down but, that will just make it worse. Can you see my dilemma? I think educating the parents would be the best bet. But how?? I will pray that God will give me the answer.

One more thing....

It really is interesting to see how God provides, I have very little money for food but we make it stretch. Some times I will have as many as 9 kids sitting around the dinner table when I planned for 5 and it always seems like everyone gets their fill.

But you should see these kids, we laugh we talk we share we have a great time! Meal times are special.

And if you think about it could you maybe pray that a van with good gas mileage will come my way? My Honda only seat 4 besides the driver and it isn't enough for everyone to go on the road together.

Twists and Turns

Life is interesting right now. I feel like there is something on the horizon that is going to be changing life. I don't know what or in what way, but it feels like change is coming.
My house has become the hang out for the kids and their friends. It is really pretty cool, I feel like I can be an adult to these kids and care about them and encourage them in life and school. I get the feeling that many of these kids don't get much encouragement at home. I feel like a surrogate mom to some of these kids. It is really a ministry. It is not the ministry I would have chosen but then again I have often heard it said that what you wanted to do is not where God takes you.

These kids .....I don't know how to word it....I would not want to go back to being 13 ever again, especially not in today's world. These kids are dealing with things that are way more than they should have to handle at their age, and it breaks my heart that they do have to deal with it. It's sad really. I would love to share their stories with you but in the event that they ever find my blog, I would not want to blow their trust, and I want to respect their lives. But the good thing is that I can be there for them and hopefully have a positive influence in their life, even if it's for a short time.

Please pray for these kids you don't need to know the names or circumstances - God knows, and He will hear.

Archaeological Bible

I bought a new bible, I am so excited about it. I already have quite a few, but this one is special! It has mixed in and around the text, tidbits of archaeological insights. It has pictures of actual artifacts found from around the time period in that point in the bible. Or in the footnotes it gives insight into customs or traditions from that time period. It is such an awesome bible and gives such a wonderful insight into biblical times, I really like this bible. It has been fun reading it. I really should have been an archaeologist.

View the Bible on Amazon

God is good

It has been very frustrating in one sense the last few weeks. I have been so tired, I do what is necessary and then come home and crash from being so tired. The doctor tested me for mono, and thryoid and by white blood cell count. If those come back negative I am going to question the meds I am on. And in another sense it has been a blessing. I am too tired to be busy so I have been enjoying my children and their friends. Our house has come to be the place to be. Everyone wants to come to our house. On Wednesday nights we have dinner with everyone helping to make it, everyone is required to help in some way, they all help clean up too. We have had some great conversation around the dinner table. I also have the kids do their homework around the table too, the only problem is space, but no one complains. I enjoy having the kids around and they all call me mom. So even though I feel exhausted most of the time, life is good.

Life is halted.....

My life has been put on hold by choice and yet not by choice. A few weeks ago, I became so tired, and so fed up with some circumstances in my life. I just didn't have the energy to motivate. I had to drag myself to all my activities and finally I said, "enough" quite emphatically and I quit running at a break neck speed to all the church activities, running the kids around and just stopped. I have realized in the past week that I am happy at home. That life has taken a much more sedate pace and it feels good. I am still tired, very tired, and I can't breathe very well, and I am having another test at the hospital tomorrow, but I am very relaxed and I don't feel uptight and I have truly been enjoying the company of my children and their friends. We have some challenges ahead of us since we have never lived in an addition with neighborhood kids before, but we are working it out together and we have talked, I believe we understand each other. I feel like we have new respect for each other, the extra time I have been putting into the kids. Helping them with their homework because I have time, and I am not feeling rushed is a wonderful feeling. It feels right.

I miss church, but very few at church seem to miss me, only about 3 people have bothered to call and see where I am at. But it's okay, because I am happy in this state, although I wished I felt better.

A real culture shock for me has been the TV. I have never watched much TV before. Wow! I can't believe some of the stuff that is on the TV, the commercials are terrible and some of them should be rated R. And some of the shows, the total disrespect for each other in the comments that people make is very sad really. I am afraid I don't see too much humor in the sitcoms.

Health is a precious gift and I wonder how much we let stress rob us of that value commodity? Is stress the cause of my body's rebellion? Or is it something else? Time will tell. But in the mean time I am quite enjoying this new freedom!

Great Sadness

My heart feels heavy, very heavy. On Sunday, I went to the funeral of a baby. Dear friends of mine had a baby that was born with some type of hernia, that allowed the intestines to grow up in the chest cavity and along with that came a whole host of other problems. He was a beautiful little boy, as cute as could be. I never even got to meet him, a great sadness pervails my being. It was such a loss for his parents, for his aunts and uncles, his grandparents and church family.
And even though Nathaniel was here for only two short months it is said that his life made a difference. A father at the Ronald McDonald house called out to God because of his parents great faith, a mother struggling with her faith was brought back into a relationship with God because of Nathaniel being at Riley. So even though he was here only a short time, his life had impact. Does my life have that much impact on those around me? I hope so, if I am questioning it maybe I need to step up my impact. I mean Nathaniel couldn't even talk, so words are not the most important thing, maybe just being there, being a friend or listening will make a difference. How often have I said I can't witness, I don't know enough scripture or know it well enough. I need more knowledge. But it doesn't have to involve words. It is the proverbial "actions speak louder than words."
Something to consider isn't it?

Keep Your Guard Up...

It says in the Bible to control your thoughts. I used to equate that with things of sin, such as what you think when you look at a person in a sexual nature, or wanting to go out partying, so on and so forth. But today, as I consider another cold, dreary day, my thoughts are leaning towards depression, I can feel that if I let my thoughts stray and not stay focused on tasks at hand that my thoughts could drag me down into the pits. It is imperative that I keep my guard up and thereby my spirits up. I can feel that cloud settling in around me and I will not allow it! I am taking steps to have a light that simulates the sunshine so that I might get a daily dose of what ever it is that the sun provides that is so vital to my well being.
So for those of you who read this control those thoughts, so that your life is not dredged through places that are undesirable and you become an unwilling victim.

The Sun does still exist here!

It is close to 50 degrees and SUNSHINING, God does still love us! He sent us sunshine today! Whooo hooooo! You can not believe how good it does my mind, body and soul to see the sunshine! I never take the sun for granted, it is so rare that we get to see the sunshine in our part of the country. I love the sun! I wish I could find a patch of sunlight and lay in it, play around in it and just bask in it, much like Trixie in family circle cartoon. Sunshine is my friend! I do so miss it when we go days on end with out it. What a happy day it is today!!

Sunshine!

I am heading out for a sunny part of the country tomorrow! It is on business, but hey, as long as I can sit outside and eat my lunch or sit in the sun I will be doin' fine! I can't wait to see the sunshine. My sister and I am going on this trip and I hope to come back a renewed person with a new outlook on life the rest of the winter. It may make me want to leave this sunny-less city even more, but I can appreciate the fresh drink of sunshine to it's fullest. Don't get me wrong here, I love my hometown. I have a lot of pride in the city of my birth, I want to return some of what it has given me, but I can not take weeks and weeks of no sunshine! It is just wrong! It has been at least 3 weeks since we have had sunshine. That is just not right! I think I am going to have to buy one of the sunshine simulator lamps, but they are $300 for a little one! And my sister knows people that swear by them. I will pray that God will provide a way for one of those lamps to come my way.
Well I am off to bed to be well rested for my trip. The kids are safely with their grandparents and I will be flying off first class tomorrow morning. So if you see a plane go overhead wave at it - you never know, you might be waving at me!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Why is it that this day, a day like any other feels like a brand new fresh start? This day is really no different than any other but yet it is a day of new beginnings, a day to promise yourself that your life is going to take a new turn. A day to hope and believe that God is in control and things will get better in my life. A day to celebrate all the possibilities that lay ahead. A day to wonder what is God going to use me for this year? What can I do for God? Ask not what God can do for you, but what can you do for God.....to rephrase a famous quote!

Thoughts

I have been reflective lately, but yesterday something strange happened. I went to the store to pick up somethings for my mom and dad. It was a crowded shopping center. I was deep in thought and I suddenly became so aware of all the people around me and how most of them were hurting, lonely people and then I became aware of how lost many of them are with no knowledge of Jesus and who He was, and is, and I was filled with a deep sense of loss for them, a deep sense of pain and I began to wonder - If I felt so much pain for these people that I don't know, how much more Jesus must have felt. How did He do it? How did he come to earth knowing what He knew facing people on a daily basis and not be so overwhelmed with grief everyday. I was so overwhelmed with grief for these strangers and I was a mere mortal, human if you will, no obligation to them, no call to that, and yet the pain was so palatable that it hurt deeply. Why is that? What happened last night? What is God doing in my life? Where is He moving me to?

Exciting!

Wow! I knew my Grandma had an aunt that was a missionary, I even have one of her artifacts that she had collected, but it became real when my mom and I were looking through old photos and we found a picture of her! I have become excited about this because we have a missionary in our family blood line! In the past 3 years of restoration of my body, soul, and spirit, I have been working through all of the past, and it seems like generational curses are a big part of me. All the bad stuff, skeletons if you will - rattling around in my closet. This is exciting to me, I haven't quite filtered through it yet, but I will keep you posted!

Ahhhh! It's over!

Another Christmas past, for this I am thankful. I know it's seems such a terrible thing to be thankful that Christmas is over, but I am. I love the fact that I, and many of my church family are celebrating the birth of our saviour and and what that means, but the rest of the world are celebrating the deep materialism that this country and the world has fallen into, not the birth of Jesus. I am afraid that much of it is celebrated as rote tradition, and the meaning has truly been lost.

Christmas is a VERY hard time of year for me, mostly because my love language is in gift giving and I have no money or time to be creative to fulfill the giving of gifts to those special people in my life, there is so much I would give to them if I could and not just in the way of the latest and greatest, technology gadget or the the coolest new item that everyone wants, but more, I would give some their college tuition or a much needed car, or a debt paid.

So for those of you who read this here are your gifts that I can afford:

To Wally - to you I would give you the self confidence in your self to know that you CAN do anything you put your mind to. You are talented and you CAN learn anything you need to in order to get those creative ideas out of your head and into existance. You ARE smart, funny, gifted and talented. I would give you the gift of believing in yourself because God knows what He is doing with you and He has given you those gifts, if you believe in Jesus, then believe in what He has given you!

To Troy and Asiah To both of you I give the gift of always remembering through the stress of life and children and long marriage the ability to remember the friendship you have for each other first and formost, never ever forget that. And remember farther down in your marriage that what attracted you to each other to begin with is probably the very thing that will annoying you to no end when you have been married for a while. Satans ploy maybe? Celebrate each other's differences and allow each other to be different from each other, after all who wants to read the same book over and over again! If I could I would give you both the stamina for long and happy marriage, never even give divorce as a option to tough times and above all if things get rocky it is NOT a bad thing to go get counseling to make your marriage stronger! And do this when they are tiny pebbles not big giant bolders. I give you the gift of my prayers for the next 70+ years for a strong healthy marriage.

To Troy
If I could I would give you to you the gift of confidence in your music skills. I would give you the connections to open doors that you could take your songs to the those that could bring them to the world. Please dear Troy, call Pastor Bob about the Song Writers guild at the church if you haven't all ready. You have such a gift and such a talent to give. I often wonder why you aren't pursuing it full time, but you are such a prayer warrior that I am sure God will direct your paths in that direction if that is His will.
I would give to you the gift of someone giving you a hug back the way you give hugs when you most need one in the twists and turns of your life.

To Tamara
I give to you the gift of being here if you need me. The gift of all the hugs you may need and a listening ear. The gift of understanding through the rough times and celebrating in the good times. I give you the gift of my admiration and your pure unadulterated joy that you have for Jesus - and the Holy Spirit! Your unwavering faith and your wisdom I give to you as a reminder to those around you of how precious you are. I give to you the gift of reminding you that you sing like an angel and I am sure the angels sing with you and rejoice when you do open your mouth to bring the love you have for Jesus into the throne room through the music that you provide. May you always have the strength and support network to help you fight through the foggy times.

So there you have it, it hardly seems enough but it is all I have to give.

It's been a while

I guess it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been so busy with classes, the kids, life...
Where do I begin - I guess chronological order would be good.
First we found out my son has a learning disability - dyslexia. This has taken a lot of my time and energy because I want him to be successful in school and go to college. I feel like to let him fail in school I will fail him by not helping him. Somedays this takes a LOT of time and energy to help him with his homework.
Classes were challenging this semester, but I enjoyed it. I had to write several paper one was on the historical and archaelogocial proof for the tower of babel. Quite fascinating!
The next paper was on pro-gay theology. You have to choose a controversial subject and definitely be on one side of it. This topic was very taxing as both sides have very convincing arguments but it was if the bigger picture was coming into focus as I did this paper. It was mentally exhausting, but very fulfilling by the time I finished. I ended up with a B in the class, but since I had tried 3 times before to pass this class I am more than satisfied with a B. I didn't have the english classes when I was in high school and besides it was so LONG ago! haha!
Next on the list is my sister's business. I have jumped in with both feet to help her build her business and make it successful. We are a good match, she if very market saavy and business minded and likes schmuzing with the big dogs. Me on the other hand, I am perfectly content to be in the background, create and be creative, and provide customer service. It is a tad confusing because my sister is the sole proprieter and I am an employee of sorts but yet she refers to me as her partner. I don't quite know how to act or react in this situation.
More later....

Birthday success

Our trip was successful and our friend is doing much better. For that I am grateful.

My birthday, was fun. My friends took me to the cheesecake factory for my birthday dinner and we shopped (not my favorite activity but we had fun). Saturday night the people we were staying with took me out for my birthday, mexican restaurant, my favorite! It was a nice evening.
I was more than a little disappointed that my children or my parents or siblings - no one called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I know I shouldn't let it disappoint me but I do.
And if success in friendships and family comes in the number of cards you get, or presents you get then I am doomed. I got 2 cards and 2 presents - and no phone calls......I live a pathetic life. I still think there must be something wrong with me that people seem to think so little of me. I have been told that is a lie from the pit of hell, but is it? Really?
I know I am having a pity party today and no one is coming but me. My life story. I hate my life.

Getting Smart

With age comes wisdom, of this I am thankful!
Every year I am terribly disappointed because me birthday comes.
When I was a kid, my mother made a big deal out of our birthdays, it was our special day. We got our favorite dinner we were made to feel as if we were queen(or king) for a day. She made cupcakes for us to take to school for the other kids, and at school everyone celebrated your day.

Ah well the realities of life quickly showed up when I became an adult. Now? You wake up and if I am lucky I will get a happy birthday greeting, usually from my youngest son. He is sentimental that way. And then we go about our usual day, I fix dinner for everyone, NOT my favorite meal, because no one would eat it, but me. And the day is done....sigh....

BUT enough of the doldrums, NOT this year! I told a friend of mine that I wanted him (no not a boyfriend we are JUST friends) to take me to St. Louis to see another friend of ours for my birthday. We have been talking about this trip for sometime and I asked for it the weekend of my birthday. Probably no one will sing to me, probably no one will have a cake for me, probably no one will even get me a present but you know what? That is okay, going on a trip and not expecting any more than to be doing some traveling and having fun with friends will be enough. And if you expect nothing you can't be disappointed!

And as it works out, a friend of ours is in crisis and we are hoping to be able to talk to him and bring him back around to get his focus back in place. I believe that my steps are orchestrated by a higher power and that this is all coming together quite convienently.

I can't wait!

Old....

Yesterday I had an appointment with a cardiologist. They thought there was a problem with my heart. Good news! I am healthy! My body just got used to the blood pressure medicine they think. My test looked good.

But man, bifocals, cardiologists, the young man who said they didn't want old people around (indicating me), all blows to my self esteem.

I AM NOT OLD! My youngest son is 11 years old, I am not not old. In my mind I am still in my 20's is that how it happens? You end up in this shriveled up old body feeling like you are still in your 20's? I can't stop the aging process, and most people don't guess me to be in my 40's, (at least when my hair is colored, ha ha!)

I do like the wisdom that comes along with age. You don't do such stupid stuff, and you tend to think through your decisions and goals a little more. For that I am thankful.

Sometimes it amazes me the lack of logic my children have. I have to be careful because I tend to be very analytical, and they are just children, but I ask them questions and try to get them to reason things out for themselves. My favorite instance of this was when I was making hamburgers for dinner one night, and my son came in and asked, "what's for dinner?" I told him chicken corden bleu, he said, "no sir, it's hamburgers" you can imagine the conversation that followed! He is much more logical now!

Well gotta get to work, kids off to school and all the stuff that goes into my day!

Bifocals

Old age? Or just a lot of use of my eyes? I prefer to think of it as my eyes have been used up to their required mileage and they need a little extra boost! I got bifocals yesterday. I am praying that God will heal my eyes. I don't like bifocals. I can't get use to that line across my glasses. They assure me I will get used to it but I feel frustrated with the effort.

BUT.....I can SEE!!! Whoooo hooooo! I have put off getting glasses for so long because I knew this would be an inevitability. But the first thing I did when I got in my car was to pull out my bible with the tiny print and I could read it! It was so exciting. I haven't even been able to read a giant print bible, my eyes have been so bad. I can study my books, read my bible and learn at a more accelerated pace again! I am so ecstatic!

So vanity and implication versus life and function.

Function wins!

Better Day

It is a better day, I began to feel better last night. What has changed? And will it continue to get better? Why? Why the change? I will accept it as a gift. Thank you God. Maybe it is the prayers that are going up on my behalf.

who can understand anything?

I don't get it. My daughter just told me that her friend who is 13, same as she, has an offer from victoria secret to model juniors underwear. I want to scream! What is wrong with the parents that they would let their 13 year old and quite innocent I might add, daughter model in her underwear for the world to see? What is wrong with this world?

No wonder I have a dark cloud that won't go away when I can't make sense of the idiocracy in this world. Geez!
My depression seems to be getting worse. I have an appointment with my doctor this Thursday I have to tell her the depression is really bad. I hate doing that, because I put on this happy face for everyone and it is so hard for me to act how I really feel. I think I am very good at covering up the truth. I would really like to get in bed pull the covers up over my head and shut the world out for a time. That is how I really feel. But instead I put one foot in front of another and paste the smile on my face. Most people don't know.
Why has this sprung up? My journaling won't reveal it, although honestly, I get my journal out and the notebook feels like it weighs as much as several bricks and the pen feels like a log. I try to formulate thoughts and all I come up with is something akin to a blank stare, my thoughts seems sluggish, and thick. I can't seem to do it.
Like now when I was just typing, it was as if the wall went flying out from the back of my computer monitor and the monitor came flying into me. What is going on? Lord Jesus take it away please!

black cloud

There is this black cloud hanging over me. My thoughts are not suicidal, but I just can't think, I can't remember things. I have no energy. It is work just to type this. And contrary to popular belief when depression takes over, I don't sit around and think whoa is me. It is more an apathy that won't go away. I find myself very short with people and especially the children.
Troy held me and gave me a big hug in church this morning. I needed that more than anything, I had to fight back the torrent of tears that threatened to bust loose. I have told God I need something.....I don't know what. That hug must have been it. I thank God for that gift, and for him being sensitive to what God knew I needed. I want the cloud to go away, but I don't know how to get it to go away. A friend of mine ask why I didn't just trust God, I do! But.....is depression physical and spiritual, can I make it go away? I wish it would....

Depression

Depression is such a stupid thing. I have struggled with it for way too long. I am a christian I am supposed to believe that God is taking care of everything and that it will all work out. And I do believe that but.....the depression I deal with has a mind of it's own. I can't just tell it to go away. I feel so heavy, and what am I depressed about? I have no idea - that is part of the problem. If I could figure that out I would be all set. I am having fun working, albeit a bit stressed right now. The money situation while very tight is okay, needs are met. The kids....well, health problems, teenage behavior.....it is all normal. I just feel like there is this cloud hanging over my head and I can't shake it. My limbs are filled with lead and my thoughts betray the hope and excitement that I know is there. I have done so many exciting things at work this week and been creative with both my hands and my mind. So why do I feel gloom and doom. I just feel like I could sleep forever. I know, I know....you can't live by feelings, feelings are fickle. You have to go by what you know to be true, and I do that, but it doesn't get rid of the physical feelings of depression. Somedays I feel like depression is robbing me of my life and I get mad at that. Is it a power in the unseen world that is trying to destroy me? Is there REALLY a struggle in the spiritual realm that would have me be less than what I could achieve because of this opression that is upon me? Or is it a physical thing that I will just have to deal with. It is always at this time of year that the depression seems to come over me in a black wave. The doctor says it is probably because my body is anticipating the lack of sunshine that is quickly coming upon us, and that my body is conditioned for this after many years of repetition.
I want to cry and cry buckets, but I have nothing to cry about! Isn't that the most insane thing you have ever heard of?
I will go to church, drag myself actually, and to my other obligations, I will put a smile on my face and cheer and delight those around me. No one will suspect the heaviness I am experiencing. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am not sure. But people don't want to be around a depressed person, so I put on the happy face and it leaves me feeling utterly exhausted when I am done. I think that is why the isolation comes, I just don't want to have to put on that happy face, and pretend all is well.
And I know that those around me would be sympathetic, understanding and accepting if I were to behave how I am feeling, but I don't like being around a person who is a downer so why would they want to be. After all it is more fun to be around the life of the party.
The black hole I am sinking into somedays feels like it will swallow me whole. Everyday seems to be more of a struggle. A determination to survive is what keeps me going. I know that there is a higher power than myself that is in control and He has plans for me. It is my job to keep on the right path and not live by the heaviness that invades my life. I must live by the path that is before me and pull my way along that path and drag that weight behind me. I wish I could cut it loose. Death is the only thing that will free me of that weight.
So I wait it out, wait for the day when I will no longer feel this burden of depression. Will heaven cure that? They say there will be no more sickness or disease and isn't that was depression is? A sickness? Will God really free me of this when I get to heaven? I hope so.

I know the plans I have for you. Plans for GOOD and not for DISASTER, plans to give you future and a HOPE! Jeremiah 29:11

manual for teenagers

Someone should write a manual for dealing with teenagers. Of course any parent of a teenager would probably throw the book in the trash as the kids would probably figure out a way to make that book inaccurate. Oh my gosh! I have heard people say that they would take boys anyday and I would have to agree. One minute I am my daughters best friend and the next she is shouting at me telling me she hates me and will never tell me anything again. I would like to put her in a cave for the next 6 years of her life and feed her through a hole in the wall! Geez!
I get so tired of it!
I don't remember being that tempramental when I was a teen ager. Was I? I will have to ask my mom.

Parenting

Last night was back to school night. Another area that I feel lonely in. First off there is only one of me and two children, and classes to hit and teachers to meet. For the most part I enjoyed seeing the kids schedule's and meeting their favorite teachers. It was hotter than haides in that school though. I bet it was 100 degrees in that school and that was at night! I can't imagine what those kids have to go through during the day when the sun is shining. Oh man! How can they learn in an enviroment like that? And the poor teachers.
The elementary school that feeds the kids middle school was complaining because they didn't have air and it was making it impossible to teach the kids, because they were so hot. Well I agree with that.
When I came out last night to the car there had been some vandalism. Someone had gone through and taken all the gas caps off of cars that they could. Mine was locked so I was okay, but they through them all around the parking area, and one must have skimmed off my hood because I have deep scratches on my hood. They tore bumpers off of vehicles. I hope they catch who did this.
But back to my original thoughts. I don't know any of the other parents, I am not sure I really want to - honestly. But it would have been nice to greet someone and to feel apart of it all. I know, I know - I was there for my kids not to socialize.....but still......sigh.
I didn't fit in at their elementary school because we lived out in the country and not in the additions with all of them. And then we moved and didn't live by the school. But here at the middle school. We live here. It all goes back to knowing your neighbors. I must be the one to change this. Who else is going to do it? No one else is going to initiate a get together to learn who the neighbors are. It must be me.

Friends...

Yesterday after church I was feeling so lonely. My daughter was going to lunch and a movie with friends and I had no one. I couldn't find anyone who was going out for lunch and so I was feel the loneliness all so much more. As I was walking out to the car feeling this tremendous weight, two of the girls from the young adults group flagged me over and said how they had missed me at Sunday school (I went to another class). That helped but then they asked if I wanted to go to lunch, it was a very nice lunch. We didn't go anywhere fancy but it was the company that made it a 5 star restaurant. I really really needed that and enjoyed their company. It made the weight I was carrying yesterday so much lighter.

Loneliness

Loneliness was the topic at church last Sunday, the giant of loneliness and becoming a giant killer. I wish I could remember what he said about defeating the giant of loneliness.

The pastor talked about several different types of lonely people, one was a man who never knew a stranger, could talk to everyone, could call a lot of people friends, but was still lonely. That is me. I can talk to anyone I have many people that I can chat with and ask for prayer requests from but I am still terribly lonely. Another Saturday night spent sitting at home. Another night gone by where no one calls just to say "hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you are...." The loneliness I carry around is so great and a physical pain. Weekend after weekend I sit around. And like the Pastor said, if you feel lonely and you complain that no one called you how many people did you call? That is a big part of the problem too. I call and call and no one is home they are all out, gone, or not answering their phones. And then that makes me feel worse, because I feel like everyone is out doing something and no one called me. I am feeling so low tonight that it is a physical ache in my chest. Have you ever experienced that much emotional pain that it is a physical ache in your chest or arm? That is what I am experiencing right now.
The depression I struggle with is pulling me down today, the loneliness always accompanies it. It is feeling like no one really cares about me. Yes as my pastor/counselor would say - " you are having a pity party and no one is coming, so snap out of it." If only it were that easy. This is such a physical thing.

Where is everyone? Have the truly forgotten me? Is everyone busy with their life and I am not desirable to have around? What can I change about myself so that I can be a better friend?
A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a get together and found out that a person I thought was a good friend (from the singles group, now married) had a birthday party and everyone was invited - but me - I found out about it later, quite by accident. I was very hurt. What is it about me that no one likes? Am I a know it all? Am I arrogant - self centered - unsensitive? What?
I need to let that pain go but it just builds and builds and then that coupled with the aloneness that I experience...well......sigh......I need to be happy with just me and I need to close people off because if I don't expect people to call me, if I don't expect to be anyone's friend then I can't be hurt. Behind the wall is a safe place to be. You can't get hurt.

Bibles...

Well I did it. I bought yet another bible. Giant Print. I can't read my little ones and the other large print bible I have is falling apart, so I needed another one. It would probably be easier to get new classes so I could read the tiny print. I am being vain, I don't want bifocals those are for old people and I am NOT old. Anyway I bought this bible and I couldn't get it in the New Living Translation like I like I had to get it in the New King James Version, which seems to read pretty easily and it is just one more version to add to my collection.

I also bought a new book - The Lost Books of the Bible - quite fascinating reading so far. I am reading about Mary's parents and her birth and childhood. They say that these books are just as accurate but that politics might have played a part in them not getting in the bible. Or some questionable facts. Like the fact that Jesus when he was a boy got mad at another boy and caused him to fall down dead, and when the townspeople accused him of murder he caused some of them to go blind! But did it really happen? I can't wait to read in the text that part. I am quite curious.

Do you know that Joachim and Anna - Mary's parents couldn't concieve and the angel told Joachim that sometimes God does that so that the child born was not born out of lust but was born as a gift from God? Wow! I think that should be in the bible. Having been through infertility myself I would have been so encouraged to have read that.
I will try to keep you updated as to what I read. It is quite fascinating so far.

Boy I am just full of verbage today, aren't I?

College Animation Class

I am in my second semester of animation at college. We are 4 weeks into school and we have not done any animating yet! How frustrating that is. The class is divided there are some 3D modeling students in the class and some animation students, some are first semester and some are second semester. We have done no 3D work and no animation. The professor is teaching us a Microsoft product to produce tutorials in 3D so he can get grants! The whole class is unhappy and several are talking about going to the dean of the department to discuss what is happening.

I hate the class because I am not learning the animation I wanted to learn. I am learning some fun things but they are not part of animation and that is frustrating. I paid good money to take my animatioin skills (in Flash) to the next level and the prof wants me to create tutorials? You have to know - well - what you are going to create a tutorial on.

And if I went to any of the professional companies and said well I know a little flash but I know Microsoft PowerPoint and Producer - they would laugh in my face! They are not considered the programs of the professionals. Aghhhh. Anyway I think I carried on about this once before.

So the whole class is thinking of protesting. Life is never dull in my household!

time flies....

gosh time flies when you are.....having fun? or are busy? I have so much going on. Classes started and while they aren't hard there seems to be a lot of work. In my W131 class (ha this is what it looks like with the caps on - W!#! weird sense of humor coming through there) any way I found out that any student can use the campus writing center for anything. For example I can take the book I am working on down there and they can help me with the writing of it. Pretty cool! That is very exciting to me. Oh yes for those who don't know I am writing a book called - "Saved by an Email" it is the correspondence between a pastor/counselor and myself during a very dark time in my life. It is my hopes that people who are going through what I went through during that time would be encouraged and changed by the book. I have 100 pages written so far, it is mostly just organizing at this point. I must go through 1000's of emails and decide which ones to use. And then I must change some names, mostly it does not have people's names in it for very little of it is about people. It is about spirituality and emotional well-being.

Anyway I am off on a bunny trail there. I have been busy with my work and my sister's business, and the kids, school and house. My sister wants to work her business so badly and I told her I would work my own business and do the graphics for her and then she could run her business......wow as I start to type this I realize it is too hard to put into words all that is going on.

My youngest son started Middle School this year and he is just blooming! It is fun to watch! Last year the teacher said he barely talked in school and he would come home and just talk and talk and talk. He has always been very shy. Well he joined the drama team! And the drama teacher tells me what a gift he has and how he has such a stage presence! And he tells me everything he does and I told the drama teacher how his teacher couldn't get him to talk last year. It is almost as if we are talking about two different children. But he was so single minded when they announced drama club he jumped on the chance and couldn't wait for it to start. It is so cool! And then he is in shop class - I think they call it industrial arts now - and he is running the power tools and sanding and building things and he is in 7th heaven. He is just blooming! It is so exciting as a parent to see a child take off flying. He is excelling in his classes, even in language which has been a struggle for him. My daughter grumped all through the 6th grade and I was prepared for a repeat but it is not to be so.

My daughter is having health problems. They have decided that the shakiness and two big episodes that she has had is not hypoglycemia as first thought but seizures -- :.....(
They are going to do an MRI on wednesday, and then a sleep deprived EEG and then a 48 hour EEG. The doctor said that it could be because of the onset of puberty or it could be the onset of migraines or it could be something else. She is mad at me and wanting me to leave the whole thing alone, but the doctor heard enough to know that something was going on.
One a positive note - she has had this rash on her arm and the medicine the doctor gave her wasn't making it go away and one day she came to me and said mom look at my rash and I said, "wow it looks a lot better, the medicine must be working" and she said, "no I have been praying about it" so that is encouraging. And I have been asking her if she is experiencing any more shakiness and she said no. Now whether that is because she doesn't want this whole thing with the doctor to happen or because it really hasn't been happening I am not sure. Maybe it is the prayers being sent up.

oh my.....

I am SOOOOOO tired! I decided that it was time to go through all those boxes in the garage from when we moved last October. I was determined that I was going to get more room in the garage. Well I almost accomplished the feat. Almost....but I still congratulating myself on a job well done, even though I didn't get it finished.

I threw away about 15 boxes, condensed other ones so that I now have about a dozen empty rubbermaid tubs and it started to cloud over and I was so exhausted that I just put what was left back in the garage. I have about 5 boxes for the auction house, but still many more to sort through. I am so sore!

And while I was doing this my daughter had two friends over and my son had two friends over and my oldest son is here. So while I worked they tore up the inside of the house and then the toilet overflowed and, and .......well you get the picture! I put them all to work and the house is okay, and then I was so tired that I had all of them come outside and help me with the last little bit.
I deserve a pat on the back. That was a major task! And now we can all get in an out of the car IN the garage. And we can find all the sports stuff and we can find all our tools once again!

Oh groan.....I feel like a 90 year old woman, I am so sore! Even tylenol didn't stop the ache.
But I feel good when I look at my garage.